The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper

I Get By.....

2009-10-05T05:25:00.013-04:00

Jeez what a weekend for old blue-eyes. A command performance at the National Arts Centre with the Yo Yo Man [Commanded by Laureen? - Ed], and then watching Denis Coderre kiss up to "the leader" on Tout le Monde en Parle. It doesn't get any better than this. And it's quite a change from last year when I was badly misquoted about it being so rich that bunches of people liked to go to galas.

Now if we could just get the opposition to defeat us on a non confidence vote... I know, I know, Canadians don't want another election, but do we have to endure another six months of blathering - not from the politicians, from the media - about "now it's the NDP's turn" etc etc ad nauseam.

Look people, parliamentary pensions and Crouton's election financing law have put the opposition in a real bind. The Bloc will support us until their pensions click in. The NDP will support us because, hey, why take the risk of losing some seats and all those sweet taxpayer dollars that go with them? And the Liberals will support us because, frankly, they are still dead broke. Why can't the working press get this? Is it because most of them are Pierre Trudeau Liberals and because they just can't face the facts?

It's a weird old world, but I get by with a little help from my friends across the aisle.

Pix: Mike Carroccetto, Canwest; James Moore

Welcome Back Class!

2009-09-13T11:46:00.011-04:00

Welcome back to Hogwarts on the Rideau.

I'm pleased to announce that Count Ignatula will be head boy this term, with responsibilities for moving non-confidence motions, and keeping up his public intellectual persona in order to befuddle the public. Jack and Gilles, depending on the bill, your job is to rage and complain in committee, but in the Commons you will either support or vote against the Puffin motions, depending on your turn in the rotation.

Once in a while either Jack or Gilles will introduce a non-confidence motion, in which case the other aggrieved third party agrees to vote with us. The Puffins can vote as their conscience dictates.

In conclusion, I want to sincerely thank the Count and his brains trust for their loyal support in the past two terms, particularly in getting us out of that Three Stooges imbroglio. I particularly want to thank Jack and his new buddy Jim Flaherty for bailing Ontario out of that GM/Chrysler mess.

Isn't it wonderful what we can do when we work together for a better Canada! Gilles, I'm still waiting to hear from you about some forestry biomass projects we've got on the boil. Come on, la nation québecoise wants you to get going on this, so if I can be unparliamentary for a moment, bouges tes fesses!

Remember, team, a lot of parliamentary pensions are at stake here, and there should be no election for another couple of years. That does not mean we stop talking about an election. Au contraire, we always have to give the slathering journos something to write about, because economics is boring on TV, right?

OK, any questions? No? OK, see you in QP.

Class dismissed. You have a free period in the Library.

More Political Satire From Calgary

2009-08-11T12:10:00.005-04:00

You can tell this pix is fake. His buttons are not pearly, and there should be two breast pockets with triangular flaps. Plus where's the goofy cowboy hat? Did his wife nix that photo op? Just asking.

Farewell Old Fellow

2009-08-11T12:08:00.002-04:00

You did your best. God speed.

Radwonky Piles on the Count

2009-06-16T08:23:00.007-04:00

My heart is increasingly going out to my esteemed colleague across the floor, Count Ignatula the Public Intellectual, as he braves a growing stream of criticism from crazed journos like Adam Radwonky, who recently opined,

Dion’s problem was that he had a vision; he just couldn’t find the right words to sell it. Ignatieff has managed to flip things around; time after time, he articulately ties himself into knots trying to get around the fact that he has very little to say.

Come on people, this is not fair. He's got a job to do, and has several years to learn how to do it, so let's cut him some slack.

And let's squelch all this crazy talk about going to the polls. Jack and Gilles don't want an election, because they will lose votes (er, and money - Ed?), and who wants to do that?

So we're stuck with the Count, until the Justin Child grows up and can take his rightful place as the Obama of Canada.

Pix: "Puffin Troika," by Tom Hanson, CP

Puffin Bashing

2009-05-14T08:35:00.006-04:00

Apparently an election is not in the cards for at least a year (Three? - Ed.) , but we've got to keep the troops in fighting trim, and what better way than trashing and bashing "Canada's sexiest public intellectual"?

Thirty four years. Imagine! The guy has time-travelled here from way back in the Seventies. Scary.

Over to you, Warren.

Buttman versus Canada

2009-05-10T14:00:00.008-04:00

You wouldn't believe the cranky e-mail we are getting about Buttman's alleged cartel-like behaviour in not letting Ballsley acquire the Coyotes.

The gist of the letters is, "where was Buttman when small market teams in Winnipeg and Québec were sold to American shopping plaza millionaires?"

Other comments: "Garry gives away tickets and then claims attendance records? Isn't this indecent?"

"He mismanaged a mainstream sport and turned it into a cable TV obscurity. There oughta be a law, right?"

This whole business reeks the big one. It's a disgrace to our national sport.

Maybe when I retire from politics I can get involved in the league, and sort this whole mess out.

Dr. Rubie Dwalla, Chiropractrice

2009-05-07T17:00:00.019-04:00

Checking in from the medieval delights of Kandahar city, and the staff just briefed me on a shocking article in Torostar, that Dr. Dwalla is having a nanny eruption - something to do with the Ontario Labour Code - and McGuilty's ministers are sitting on it....

If I can be personal for a moment. Rubie, we offered you a friendly reception if you crossed the floor a few years ago, to replace Ms. Belinda, and you should have taken us up on it. It's a little late for that, since we now have enough decent looking and talented female MPs.

Kory handed me the attached picture, with Rubie allegedly engaging in unparliamentary behaviour, and it sure looks doctored to me - this is the Photoshop generation, right? Kevin thinks it may be a good way of helping slumdog bikers deal with back problems. My wife thinks it's a fake. and she should know. Not in our wildest dreams would we ever try this stunt....

BTW, Kory assures me we had nothing to do with it, but he smells the hand of Puffin indie film maker Warren Kinsella. Rumours are flying that he is trying to mix punk and Bollywood in his basement studio in the Beaches.

SOURCE: Sun Media

Buttman versus Ballsley

2009-05-07T14:14:00.010-04:00

What? Huh? Did something happen last week in Vancouver? Oh, yeah the Canucks started round 2.

Meanwhile I'm seriously contemplating setting up a Royal Commission to investigate the Un-natural Hockey League for non competitive behaviour. The way most of my friends see it is, Buttman and his slimy gang of shopping plaza millionares who own these pathetic southern teams just gotta keep them going to fulfill Garry's vision - to be the Selig of shinny.

Gretz and his buddies want to sell to Ballsley, I say go for it.

I think I speak for all parties in the House when I say I'd like to see Buttman come up here to Parliament Hill and join the old German sausage maker under the committee room kleig lights. I personally have a few questions I'd like to ask him, and there's a few guys from la ville de Québec and Winnipeg who want to slam him into the boards. Capiche, Buttman?

(This is satire, right? - ED.)

Ask Not What You Can Do For Your Iggy

2009-04-25T15:43:00.008-04:00

Just got handed True Patriot Love. ZZZZZ - what a lame read. Clearly Count Ignatula writes his own stuff.

At least Jack Kennedy had his own tame writers like historian Arthur Schlesinger to pen books like Profiles in Courage.

Hey, what's Peter C. Newman doing these days?

FLASH: Newman roused from retirement to do the dirty deed. Couldn't find anybody else....ZZZZzzzzz.

The Man Can't Count

2009-04-23T19:34:00.006-04:00

Here's Mikey the Mike talking about his hereditary title, which does not exist. We've researched this exhaustively with a team of genealogists, and to tell the truth, he is five times removed, being the son of the fifth son. Sorry, this doesn't cut it. I once had a taxi driver who was the real King of Ruritania. Honest to God, it was in the Almanach de Gotha.

Some feel the real royalty in this benighted country is Justin Sinclair Trudeau. According to our consultants Dan Brown and Associates, he is a direct descendant of Mary Magdalene. Apparently, I'm a very distant relation as well.

The Person Who Must Not Be Named

2009-04-22T08:19:00.002-04:00

Lighten up, everybody. This is just an exorcism exercise to prevent Puffin demonization of Yours Truly by Torostar and the Canadian People's Agitprop Network. Everything is under control, and the Rt. Hon. gentleman's reputation will be vindicated by history.

The National Attention Span

2009-04-15T13:29:00.004-04:00

Guy says if it doesn't pan out, the Count can always get a job on TV Ontario. Here's a clip from ten years ago. He lost me at about the 20 second mark.

Managing Canada vs. Managing a Graduate Seminar

2009-04-15T13:10:00.004-04:00

Now the Count says he wants to raise taxes to pay for the Recession. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. The plan is, we wait till prosperity improves, and let increased revenues pay down the debt.

He's reverting to type, and starting to lecture his Party faithful as if they were grad students. He sure knows how to put people to sleep. Here's everything you want to know about Giambattista Vico. I can't wait to listen to his victory speech when he becomes official leader.

Moi? International Money Czar?

2009-04-06T13:05:00.003-04:00

There was a lot of goofing around at the G-20, and I kind of felt shut out from the cooler kids, but they're just jealous because we have a whole pile of the world's wealth - oil, water, minerals, forests, plus a kick-butt banking system second to none.

Barry even had the Queen buzz me on my BlackBerry to try and get me to miss the photo op. What a card.

Anyhoo, there was a lot of buzzing about international reform and regulation, and it was proposed, only half in jest, that I should leave this job and become despot of some new super IMF, headquartered in Iceland or somewhere.

Get real, I said. Who will take care of Canada while I am away? Count Ignatula? The coalition? You guys will carve up our dear country like a pumpkin.

Bringing Them Back to Reality, One Socialist at a Time...

2009-03-17T15:17:00.009-04:00

Hopefully my Manning speech in the Star, Only Conservatism Can Lead Canada Forward, will appeal to all those exhausted Canadian leftists whose world view has come crashing down, with the inexorable decline of the US under the obnoxious Obama regime.

Down With Puffinomics! Viva the Reality Party of Canada! Venceremos!

Warren Kinsella is Grit Girl

2009-03-13T14:05:00.008-04:00

This Just In Over the Transom: After John Iveson's article, a lot of people were wondering who is this "theGritGirl". No she's not Krista Ericson, although several Puffins wish she was.

Surprise, we've just learned she doesn't exist; she's just a fantasy of Warren and his New Grit War Room. Grit Girl is the name of a dutch punk band.

Catmeat and the Puffin Band. What a bunch of headbangers.

Pretty decent production values for something coming out of a basement home video studio.

Obama in Trouble

2009-03-11T13:46:00.003-04:00

Apparently the new president is running into some heavy weather on his big tax plan. Seems to me he's turning into the American equivalent of Backpack Boy, with his own Green Shaft plan.

The sticking point is coal. As he said to a San Francisco audience last year during the campaign:

"Let me sort of describe my overall policy.

"What I've said is that we would put a cap and trade system in place that is as aggressive, if not more aggressive, than anybody else's out there.

"I was the first to call for a 100% auction on the cap and trade system, which means that every unit of carbon or greenhouse gases emitted would be charged to the polluter. That will create a market in which whatever technologies are out there that are being presented, whatever power plants that are being built, that they would have to meet the rigors of that market and the ratcheted down caps that are being placed, imposed every year.

"So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can; it's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted."

You can listen to him also on YouTube.

Senate Budget Committee chairman Kent Conrad (D-N.D.) says he has "spoken to enough colleagues about several different provisions in the budget to make him think Congress won’t pass it. Conrad urged White House budget director Peter Orszag not to “draw lines in the sand” with lawmakers, most notably on Obama’s plan for a cap-and-trade system to curb carbon emissions. ”Anybody who thinks it will be easy to get the votes on the budget in the conditions that we face is smoking something.”

Presidential Protection?

2009-02-25T12:10:00.002-05:00

I'm still basking in the glow of the visit from my new friend Barry, even though he still has a tendency to want to hog the spotlight, and the pathetic Torostar and CP fotojournalists are still trying to get what they call the "Bob Stanfield dropping the football moment".

This picture shows President Obama telling the press corps to lay off and treat me with more respect (I later told him he was wasting his time).

Laureen joked that perhaps he was preventing me from being hit by a shoe.

Shades of Mister Dithers

2009-02-25T10:57:00.009-05:00

It's clear that some of the great Obama charisma has rubbed off on me, to the detriment of the Leader of the Opposition, Count Ignatula, who has suffered a terrible drumming from some pinko journo by the name of Michael Stickings at the British newspaper, the Guardian.

Stickings leads off his hatchet job by saying, "Naive and egotistical, Canada's Liberal leader isn't the saviour his supporters believe him to be." What did the poor man do to deserve this treatment?

Sticking goes on:

"Why did Ignatieff do what he did? Because he has no interest right now in bringing down the government and thereby being compelled to share power. Because his political career has been about his own glorification, about his desire – for it seems to be the only reason he entered politics in the first place – to be prime minister. He may generously be called a chameleon, a shifty academic difficult to pin down, but perhaps more accurately he ought to be called an egotist who is sure of his own superiority and who seems to lack any real passion for the country he intends to lead..."

And on...

"With an air of haughty detachment, an arrogant sense of entitlement to leadership, limited charisma, Bush-friendly positions on key foreign policy issues, hardly any record on (and relatively little knowledge of) social and economic issues and next to no experience in the political trenches, Ignatieff is hardly the saviour so many Liberals delusionally think he is."

I must say I don't disagree on this point. The saviour is Prince Justin.

And on...

"To me, though, he has never seemed to be much of a Canadian, and certainly not enough of one to be our prime minister. It's not that he has spent so much of his life overseas – mostly in Britain and the US. It's that he has seemed to aspire actively to be anything but Canadian, and more specifically to be American. Which is fine, in a cosmopolitan sort of way, but he comes back to Canada with an air of condescension about him, as if he has seen the world and conquered it and has now decided, with the coaxing of a party eager for him to lead it back to the promised land, to sully himself in the world of politics supposedly on our behalf but really because he just wants to be prime minister, so great would it look on his resumé, a capstone to a long and successful career."

And on...

"Today's Canada is very much Trudeau's Canada, the Canada of Trudeau's vision, for better and for worse. Trudeau was, like Ignatieff, an intellectual, but, unlike Ignatieff, he obviously cared deeply about this country and sought to leave his mark on it, which he did. Ignatieff may feel "passionately and proudly Canadian", and there may be a bold vision behind his egotism, somewhere, but he has a lot to prove before he should be considered anything more than an opportunist, if not a self-absorbed charlatan."

What can I say. This is an ugly pathetic hatchet job on a good hearted Canadian politician, and I condemn it utterly.

UPDATE: Apparently this Stickings pig used to work for Bobama Rae.

The Wolf Blitzer Interview

2009-02-19T04:37:00.006-05:00

This kind of thing is great for Brand Canada:

I'm still getting feelers from the Republicans about running for them next time. Sorry guys, I tried that last time and it didn't work.

Our Obama Agenda

2009-02-18T04:22:00.014-05:00

President Barry, if I can get personal for a moment, you're a great orator, but you're no economist - not even Chicago School - so here the main things I'd like to accomplish with you during your short visit.

1) First I want to give you a quick Harpernomics lesson. Lesson one. The trillion bucks has to come from somewhere. Carney and Finance want to know, are you going to inflate or tax?

2) The offer I made election night still stands, if you need help in reforming your banking and health care systems, just give me a buzz, and we'll send some experts down to the White House. As you may know, Canada is a great believer in helping our neighbours with foreign aid.

3) Let's talk about what to do about thorns in our side like Premier Danny Chavez and George Boros.

4) Now I know you're going to pledge to maintain NAFTA, and you will probably turn around and do the opposite, by putting up non tariff barriers against Canadian industries and producers. Are you OK if we negotiate free trade deals with Europe, Japan, India and China?

5) Let's discuss whether you're serious about the environment, or are you thinking that four years of hot air will heat enough homes to make the difference? Yes We Can make the Alberta Oilsands more environmentally friendly. But who's going to pay for it?

Look, I wish you all the best, and I really do sympathize with the tough job you have ahead of you. Our experts tell me that a Canadian PM has far more power than a US President, who has to spend all his time negotiating with Congress. I don't envy you, and if there's anything I can do in the way of economics education, give me a buzz.

Anyhoo, if you talk the talk, people will expect you to walk the walk. So keep talking in generalities, OK?

Yours for defending the world's longest undefended border....

PS: You can have a five minute photo op with Count Ignatula.

FSH

Pix: Explaining how power relationships work based on self-interest. Yes indeed.

Mike the Baptist

2009-02-04T13:29:00.003-05:00

Of course we're all fascinated by the spectacle of a public intellectual like Count Ignatula holding court within these hallowed walls. We're flattered, but why is he here? To save Canada from Yours Truly?

A persistent feeling around Langevin Block and PCO is that he is only here to hold the fort while the Puffins try desperately to refill the piggy bank. His role is to prepare the way, like John the Baptist, for the coming to power of young Prince Justin, descendant of the Templars, and the Obama of Canada.

Because the Count dresses better than I do, has a press agent wife, never met a camera he doesn't like, and has refined his "Talk Tough Like Mike" road act, he will at least make Commons life more interesting than Backpack Boy. I'm thankful for small mercies.

Kim Dilute Pull Forced to Eat Cat

2009-02-03T19:37:00.003-05:00

In what journalists are calling Catgate or even worse, Pussygate, (Catscam? - Ed.) a senior Ignatieff advisor has been forced to recant before cadres of Red Guards for his sins in failing to keep his mouth shut.

This has become a big issue in the PRC, with people taking Warren Kinsella (Kim Dilute Pull) seriously, to the detriment of Sino-Canadian relations so carefully nurtured since the days when St. Pierre pirouetted in front of that old beast Mao. Now it is back to square one, I fear.

Massaging Michael

2009-01-26T10:15:00.007-05:00

Dear ~~Fake~~ Interim Leader of the Opposition:

Look, don't be so shocked. It's just my brand new multi billion dollar coalition style budget, and I hope you like it. We need another election like a hole in the head, right?

Hopefully we won't have to pull all those economic levers. Now let's work on those so-called "middle class tax cuts" you and the Torostar don't want us to bring in.

Anyhoo, I look forward to crossing swords with you in the days to come, and educating your entire caucus, including that McCallum guy, about what's important in the days ahead.

Yours for a better Canada,

FSH

US Media Goes Bananas Over Obama

2009-01-26T07:27:00.002-05:00

I'd kill for these headlines:

- "A Day When Even the Seagulls Were Awed"
- "Cheney Exiting Like 'Dr. Strangelove'"
- "Press Gets Intimate with Obama"
- "An Inaugural Speech 'For the Ages'"
- "As Obama Ascends, Horn Honking Ends"
- "After Eight Years of Hell, Celebrating Soulful, Brilliant Obama"

So much for the noble profession of journalism.

Harpernomics for Socialists #11 - Helping the Poor

2009-01-20T10:56:00.006-05:00

I see tough talking Mikey the Mike is still wandering in La La land. In a recent Le Devoir interview, he said that he will reject any Conservative budget that contains tax cuts for the middle classes, but will support any measure that help the poor and create jobs.

Sorry Count, but you're wrong on both counts.

1) The Poor pay a higher proportion of their income on GST and PST than the rich. Ergo, any cut to these taxes benefits the serfs and peasants more than the bourgeoisie. Or would you prefer government hiring programs?

2) Tax increases provide more jobs for bureaucrats and their programs. Tax cuts leave more money in the hands of people and businesses. One way makes things better. Your way will make things worse.

So I'll ask you again, who's doing your economics? My advice is, fire him.

Or did you get this stuff from focus groups? Or is the Coalition of the Damned™ still in operation?

Congratulations to the New Pres

2009-01-20T05:34:00.007-05:00

Congratulations to you, the new leader of Obamastan, and I'm delighted you're paying us a visit first.

Look Barry, if I can get personal, I know you're going to have a hell of a time living up to all these expectations, but let's face it, it's your own damn fault.

So the offer is open. If you need any help reforming your banking or health care systems, or even NAFTA, just give us a shout.

Oh and by the way, ditto if you ever need any energy.

So good luck, eh?

PS: I just want to say that I may have been critical of you in the past, but a recent report from Carleton University says it's important for us to be best buddies. So I'm willing to give it a try. Let's shoot a few hoops and maybe I can show you how to skate.

PPS: Sorry, but we don't want Bill Ayers. Try Iceland.

The Puffins Still Don't Get It

2009-01-19T09:25:00.009-05:00

Warning: Puffinomics eruption.

So Mikey the Mike says "Stephen Harper spent the government down to the red line in good times," and he's not going to support any more of my terrible terrible tax cuts.

This from a guy who never managed anything bigger than a graduate seminar.

Clearly the Count can't count. Where's he getting his economics from? Bob Rae? It sure isn't Obama, who has come out firmly for tax cuts.

So it's back to the Coalition, Mikey the Mike?

The Obamafication of Count Ignatula

2009-01-10T08:15:00.005-05:00

We're watching closely as the Count morphs into an Obama-like creature. I'm calling him Mikey the Mike.

First it was crop the hair short like Barry. Second, appear in shirtsleeves with a mike, lecturing an adoring crowd about helping out the poor. Third, perma-tan to give him a slight cafe au lait tinge. Fourth, smile a lot and carry around a cup of Tim Horton's (this nice touch ©Warren Kinsella).

All this shows up the intellectual bankruptcy of the Puffin Party of Canada. Yes, my friends, now led by the man who invented the name two summers ago in St. John's, Dannyland, after too much screech.

More analysis from the War Room as this develops.

What Do I have to Do to Get a Break in this Town?

2008-12-30T14:52:00.003-05:00

Jeez, I appoint the Duffster to the Senate and I get a whole pile of complaints that I have ruined people's evening TV viewing.

I guess they prefer Mike Duffy Live to Mike Duffy Embalmed.

Pix: Mike With Hair: Canadian Communications Foundation

We're Installing Radical New Political Technology in the PMO

2008-12-30T05:44:00.008-05:00

And here it is. Our brand new Canuckistan III BS Detector that will help us deal with Puffinomics outbreaks. It will also tell us precisely when Count Ignatula and Bobama Rae are telling the truth about voting to keep us in power.Thanks to all the party's political engineers involved in producing this cool little device, which has an array of infrared, organic odour, climate change, political correctness and other sensors. This baby is Canadian made, and about the size of a BlackBerry.

We're equipping all Conservative Party MPs with the device, so they can stay alert, and also practice being sincere without smelling of BS. Or conversely, be able to spout BS when needed.

We may also be able to use it in upcoming trade negotiations with the Americans, Europeans and Chinese. I may try it out with King's crystal ball, to see if the old guy is telling the truth about how he kept Canada's credit strong during the 1930s.

God I love this country!

Merry Christmas Everybody

2008-12-25T06:02:00.005-05:00

Hey, speaking of gifting, maybe we can build something like this?

A Productive Meeting

2008-12-13T04:48:00.004-05:00

My first meeting with the Count was productive. I was delighted to see he knew where to find me, and he was right on time.

First we went outside into the hot blazing sun. Then at the count of three, we turned, walked fifty faces back and turned to face each other. He squinted at me and spat in the dust. I returned a fierce Bondian glare, my right hand in my pocket gripping my Flaherty PPK. This went on for thirty minutes. I kept my cool but I could tell he was perspiring slightly. Then he blurted out, "I don't need any lessons in legitimacy from you, Harper." And then it was over.

Talk Tough Like Mike

2008-12-12T07:57:00.009-05:00

Want to get Iggy with it?

Count Ignatula has already reached back almost to Lester Pearson and hired Toronto guru and policoach Patrick Gossamer, fabricator of the original Trudeau gunslinger image (right).

Gossamer has clearly been coaching the Count on how how to talk tough. Apparently the journos love it, especially the female ones. Here's a sample from his first day before the cameras:

“I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”

“He knows where to find me.”

A promising start. Look also for Ignatula to surround himself with beautiful women and potted plants.

This and the institutionalization of Susan Delacarte happily marks the end of the Demonize Stephen Harper! program, which, let's face it, was a total bust.

BTW, we're starting a new right side column with some of the more flavourful examples of Talk Tough Like Mike. Enjoy.

Your contributions gratefully accepted.

A Valium Leader Takes Charge

2008-12-11T11:21:00.005-05:00

So the Coalition of the Damned™ is dead. Excellent travail, Sir, and now we can get down to work spreading the blessings of Harpernomics to Canadians.

You're almost there. You support low taxes, limited government spending, and so on. Flaherty can help you fill in the blanks. Welcome aboard!

PS: We loved your press conference, and the office had a good laugh as you piled on Grit cliché after Grit cliché. A masterful job. We especially liked your heartwarming reminiscence about your uncle's Quebec dairy farm, and the delicious odours. Much like Question Period on a rough day, right?

One cynical staffer quipped that maybe you were “born in a manger”, but we'll leave that one for the Justin Child, descendant of the Templars. One of our weirder researchers/ conspiracy theorists suggested, with a straight face, mind you, that you were like a political John the Baptist, sent to prepare the way for His ascension.

Mea Culpa

2008-12-10T05:39:00.007-05:00

It looks like Groundhog Day has come early.

I suppose if I hadn't been so interventionist, Count Ignatula wouldn't have come to lead the Puffin Party of Canada - the party he founded in the summer of 2007 - so easily and so early, and I would still be facing Backpack Boy. But that's politics.

Now we're back to the same old grinding battle, facing a dead broke opposition whose only policy is to say we are doing nothing and I am a bully.

Oh, and the usual piffle from the Ignatula blog: "Harper has created uncertain economic times. They inherited a $12 billion federal surplus and they've spent it down to the red line of deficit."

The Count spoke of the Puffin as "a symbol for what our party should be" - "They put their excrement in one place. They hide their excrement. They flap their wings very hard and they work like hell."

I predict the difference under his leadership will be, the excrement will be better hidden.

Susan Delacarte to Reboot Career

2008-12-09T14:49:00.016-05:00

Word just came over the transom that Puffin cheerleader cum journonanny Susan Delacarte has had another "incident" caused by demonization possession, and will be recuperating at Toronto's Messy College, where old Puffins go to lay their eggs.

Apparently my successful prorogation of Parliament was too much for her, and she lost it in the Torostar cafeteria, throwing plates of damp adjectives at the other pitiful #1 Yonge St. wretches.

I think I speak for none of my peers when I send her our heartfelt wishes for a long and thorough exorcism.

This just in: Apparently there is a ferocious bidding war by McClellan & Stewpit for her forthcoming memoir, "That Stephen Harper is SUCH a Big US-Style Schoolyard Bully!"

Pix: Macleans's snapshot from the Torostar Christmas Party; Mister Dithers is trying to "intervene" and reason with Susan to remove the US flag, which she has not taken off since November 4, to celebrate Obama's victory. Apparently she is hoping to attend the Obamaguration, and will remove the garment as soon as he is sworn in.

I'm Such a Bully and I'm Crushing Your Head

2008-12-09T04:12:00.013-05:00

Laureen and I were just relaxing and watching Mike Duffy Live last night before the Sens game, and the Duffster had on four Puffin talking heads, including the oily, unctuous, oleagenous Bobama Rae, and guess what, ALL OF THEM said that Stephen Harper is "bullying" the House of Commons.

More and more Canadians are finding this mantra really tiresome. I know the theory, repeat the Big Lie long enough and soon enough people will believe it.

Clearly, through lack of any real policy to fight the downturn, you gang of losers have fallen back on good old let's demonize Yours Truly.

All I can say is, "You flatheads, I'm crushing your head."

Can't you people even be ORIGINAL? I guess not. Let me help you out. First, go to the Susan Delacarte Attack Thesaurus below right. Pick a set of three adjectives, and try to pack them into one sentence, like, I don't know,

"Stephen Harper is ___________, and he's just trying to be _________ with the tax dollars of working Canadians, who think he is so ______. Nanny nanny boo boo."

There, feel better?

Don't blame me if this kind of moronic demonization fails to convince Canadians that you're fit to govern.

Adieu, Stéphane

2008-12-08T16:25:00.003-05:00

Vaya con Dios and I hope we continue to see you on the front bench. Sorry you never got to be PM, but the job's mine.

You have been treated shabbily, during the Puffins' time in the penalty box, and now they think Canadians have forgiven them, they toss you out like a piece of old Kleenex. Pathetic.

So it's going to be me vs. Count Ignatula, mano a mano. I can handle that. At least I don't have to face Bobama Rae in the next election. That would be shooting fish in a barrel.

Pix:Christopher Pike/Reuters

An Important Message for Puffins Thinking of Defecting

2008-12-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

Take a number.

No seriously, the response has been overwhelming. One of our tame historians has said this situation is "similar in scope and impact to Robert Borden's wartime unity coalition."

If you want to do the dirty deed, act now and send your CV to Kevin at the PCO. We may have to open up some Minister of State positions. No limo, sorry, but perhaps a fine mid-range Ford, GM or Chrysler vehicle with driver. If you act now we can get you a premium late-model upgrade from Flaherty Motors in Oshawa, OAC.

Out.

We Can Work With the Coalition of the Damned

2008-12-05T09:06:00.011-05:00

Darned right we can. Have your war room contact our war room.

Cartoon: Graeme Mackay, The Hamilton Spectator

Marde de Taureau

2008-12-04T06:36:00.004-05:00

The estimable Terry Corcoran comments today that "The Flaherty update contained ideas on taxes, spending, infrastructure, deficits and government waste that are sound conservative policy options. It was reasonably based on actual economic forecasts rather than the calamitous and opportunistic speculations of opposition politicians who are looking for a new excuse to bring back massive government spending."

He is calling the new Dion musical "a page from the work of the greatest academic authority on the subject, Princeton philosopher Harry Frankfurt, author of the 2005 best-seller, On Bullshit. Liars, says Prof. Frankfurt, need to know the truth. Bullshitters, interested solely in advancing their own agenda, have no use for the truth. They just make things up to win over their audience."

Mangeur de Hot Dog

2008-12-04T06:29:00.006-05:00

Jolly Jacques Parizeau, French vineyard owner and former Parti Québécois premier of Quebec, said that “The fact that the Bloc got Stéphane Dion to sign a political accord in which it is explicitly written that he undertakes to act in partnership with Canadians and the Québécois should bring a smile to the face of many sovereigntists.” He also said a coalition government would be weaker than he one led by Yours Truly, a prospect he said was “eminently satisfying.”

Pix: Graeme Mackay, Hamilton Spectator

Time For a Unity Government

2008-12-03T11:20:00.002-05:00

I hear cooler heads in the Ignatieff camp feel they were "mouse-trapped" by Backpack Boy, and don't want to have anything to do with the Coalition of the Damned.™

Well done, fellas, come on over for a while until we can root out these evil people. If you want to stay, fine. Canada First, right?

Then we'll have an election to clear the air.

Let's Have a French-Style Runoff Election

2008-12-02T09:10:00.013-05:00

This is getting goofier and goofier. Someone else emailed me, suggesting we move toward runoff elections like the French.

Come to think of it, it may not be a bad idea.

After election #1, we could ditch the third place parties, i.e. the Bloc and NDP, and a week later have the real Mexican standoff, mano a mano, just me and Dion in the hot sun.

The way things are going, something like this may happen anyway. Just me, and the Coalition of the Damned. Winner take all.

Memo to Self: Call Sarko and find out how it is done.

Goofy Catches a Fish ©Walt Disney

Constitutional Convention of the Damned

2008-12-02T08:40:00.012-05:00

I am told by my experts down the hall that Her Excellency Mme. Jean cannot change her Prime Minister unless there are extraordinary circumstances. Only an election can do that.

Essentially she is obliged to act on my advice, for example if I ask for dissolution of the House. The exceptions are pretty limited - breakdown of the government, major crisis, me going insane, and so on.

But there are no extraordinary circumstances, except the coalition's new found lust for power, enabled by Gilles Duceppe, who has not officially joined the Coalition of the Damned™, committing only to vote for the budget and Speech from the Throne for 18 months.

Dion and Layton, with their 114 seats and 44% of the vote, claim their legitimacy rests on some kind of emergency. But the opposition has already debated and voted for our legislative program as set out in the throne speech. We now have the confidence of the House.

So, my friends, they are being too clever by half, even more so if they take this to the Supreme Court of Canada, which clearly they intend to do.

Pix: ATTILA KISBENEDEK/AFP/Getty Images

Fall on My Sword

2008-12-02T08:14:00.008-05:00

I'm getting all sorts of advice. Another friend says fall on your sword right away, and let the Coalition of the Damned™ drive Canada into a ditch, as they are sure to do.

I replied that the stakes are too high for the country, and we have to fight as long as we can, and we shall NEVER SURRENDER.

Pix: Serge Chapleau, La Presse

Not a Real Coalition?

2008-12-02T08:07:00.011-05:00

One of my wise friends just emailed me on BlackBerry #2, and said, you're toast, but drag it on as long as you can, then to hell with them, because you will have done all you can for the health of the Canadian economy. All the Coalition of the Damned™ will do is drive up the deficit and the GST.

He said this is not a real coalition, without Duceppe or any bloquistes in Cabinet. It is rotten fruit, and it will fall within the year.

Maybe so, but the confidence of the House is the confidence of the House.

I don't think this government is toast, but I'm afraid these opposition shenanigans are going to drive us into an election we don't need.

More later.

Pix: Serge Chapleau, La Presse - When Reality is Stranger Than Fiction. ("Stéphane, in the end I have always been a fan of your Clarity Act")

Political Whores

2008-12-02T04:59:00.014-05:00

I raised Mackenzie King on the crystal ball last night, but sorry to say, the session didn't last long. "Political whores!' he sputtered, and disappeared in a cloud of sparks and smoke.

A certain ex Prime Minister was more soothing. "First of all, this is not a fait accompli, as the three stooges pretend. Also 74% of the voters did not vote for M. Dion. Look, I'll see what I can do to help," he purred. "I have no doubt there are some rogue Bloquistes and Liberals who are yearning for a dose of reality."

"When it's clear you're going to prorogue," he went on, "all hell will break loose. Are you sure you want to go through with this?" "Of course." "Then go to the House and stay cool and let them rage and roar like schoolyard brats."

"They really hate your guts, don't they?" "Yep." "Well that means you're doing something right. I found the louder they complain the better you are doing. Anyway, you exposed them as political welfare bums who couldn't raise a dime on the streets, and that's something. And young Justin Trudeau's father is rolling in his grave."

"Plus you obviously scared Gilles Duceppe to death."

"I'll get back to you soon."

Socialist Heaven?

2008-12-01T20:27:00.008-05:00

Well, I underestimated that crafty old Maoist Gilles. And look where he's got us all. Deep in Socialist Heaven.

The only responsible way for this government to proceed now is to prorogue and work flat out with Ontario to help the automakers avoid going belly up. Then reboot with Speech From the Throne #2 at the end of January, and if the Coalition of the Damned holds up, we'll have to go to the people again. Maybe some cooler heads in the opposition will come to reason and join us before then.

Otherwise it's Tax and Spend Heaven, and the ruin of Canada.

Tomorrow: A lot of people want me to resign right now. That's an option, but I'm going to contact an ex-PM and ask his advice, and then have a session with Mackenzie King's crystal ball. Stay tuned.

Pix: Chris Wattie, Reuters

The Universe is Unfolding...

2008-12-01T07:33:00.010-05:00

Hopefully as it should. Let me see. What have I accomplished here?

1) I need a docile House of Commons to solve this crisis, and I'm betting that terrifying the Bloc and Puffins with the threat of an election will do the trick. An election would of course bankrupt them.

2) I need the support of Gilles Duceppe, since the poor guy holds the balance of power. Will I get it? Time will tell. At least I know that he will not pull the plug in an "alliance" with the Puffins and N.D.P. (New Dope Party). To his credit, he said he never would do this. So he'll bide his time, and meanwhile I will try not to piss him off too much. [Update: OK I eat my words]

Other side benefits:

1) The Puffins and N.D.P. showed their true colours, that they are just two sides of the same so-called "progressive" movement. But Jack Layton as Finance Minister? Flahery nearly fell off his chair when he heard this.

2) This will make it harder for the Puffins to get donations from the centre. Their credibility is pretty shot, and our Reality Party of Canada will emerge even stronger.

Nothing like a little cat among the pigeons, er puffins, to get the session off to a good rollicking start.

Now, to prorogue or not to prorogue? Do Canadians really want to see the opposition whining and pulling their hair and giving yours truly a hard time in this our holiday season? Or do they want to enjoy themselves?

Jack and Gilles Went Up the Hill

2008-11-30T19:18:00.006-05:00

All this talk of Jack and Gilles talking coalition is really hilarious.

The problem is, Gilles fears that the Québec branch of the Nouveau Parti dopiste (N.P.D.), led by the charming soft-spoken Mulcair, is trying to chip away at his left wing. So he did a sharp turn left in the last election to hold them off. If he's talking to Jack, it's to find out what the hell he is thinking under that shiny dome.

Grrr. Maudites socialistes.

Peter McCabe, CP

Harpernomics for Socialists #10 - Taking the Liquidity Valium

2008-11-28T19:37:00.014-05:00

OK everybody, take a deep breath, and THINK hard.

Everybody's asking me why I engineered this sideshow. The answer is that we need leverage. We need support from all you guys, to meet this economic crisis. And the last thing Jim Flaherty, the MP for Oshawa, needs is MORE BS about the auto industry. He says we've got to hang in there. Like you, he's waiting for my new friend Obama to heal the planet, stop the rise of the oceans and save the UAW. Apparently this will all happen December 8.

Jack: No more whining about eliminating corporate tax cuts. You want them restored? Let's get real. Think of your Red Tory roots before you act. You know the Puffins will eventually slit your throat if you give them half a chance.

Gilles: Let's make a deal on forestry and infrastructure, and maybe we'll take another look at sending all your aging rock gods and téléroman artistes to Cuba, once a year, or even permanently. No not Guantanamo, although this has crossed my mind.

Honorable Stéphane: Believe it or not, but I don't want you to make any mistakes by going to the altar with the wrong party. But please, no more committee games and demonization, and maybe I'll drop the court case and save us all a few bucks. Want to boost the party donation maximum to $5,000? I could send some of our guys to teach some of your guys how to fundraise. Anything to help you out, capiche?

So people, don't mess with our mandate, as imperfect as it is. You know in your hearts this coalition can't last, and I urge you to stick with the Reality Party of Canada for the moment. At least you'll know where you stand. Out.

Journalists Hunt For New Adjectives

2008-11-24T13:07:00.005-05:00

The world's second oldest profession is really scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to find creative new adjectives to describe the current economic mess. The Obama benediction got them all riled up, and now they want to keep the Big Mo going.

My favourites: "grim", "apocalyptic", and "the big D". I'm kind of partial for "Rooseveltian" myself.

Ongoing.... for another six months or so...

Justin Time

2008-11-24T12:50:00.006-05:00

The Justin Child has just given his maiden speech in the Commons and I'm sorry I missed it. Jetting around the world, you know, trying to patch the hot air balloon of global credit.

Can you believe it? The young PET pup spoke not on helping other people around the world, not on justice, not on his blessed father, not even on his grail quest, but on THE ECONOMY. Hilarious.

Note he's driving home the Puffin spin, and demonizing Yours Truly for driving Canada into deficit, blah blah, blah, when what we did was restore to Canadian taxpayers, through GST cuts, a mountain of surplus amassed by Mister Dithers. Apparently our actions were not "socially responsible." ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

Looks like a repeat of the last session, if the Puffins keep up this BS.

Has Bobama Been Botoxed?

2008-11-21T09:30:00.012-05:00

A number of commentators have remarked on Bobama's fresh youthful appearance, especially during his press conference, while Tag Team Twin Count Ignatula is looking like a moth eaten senior statesman and Dominic Leblanc like a grad student.

Looks like a pretty fresh job too, especially around the eyes and mouth. Possible signs of a well-done face lift too. (Flash: I've just been informed it's either a face peel or maybe some vitamin B injection.)

Clearly the man and his brother are obsessed with making him Prime Minister, and restoring the Puffins to their natural governing state.

It's true cosmetic surgery can cover up a lot of sins. And all those worry lines he got when he was The Worst Premier in Ontario History™. But if he keeps this up he'll look more and more like Cat Woman.

Ah hell, it's all PR anyway, right? And if it's good enough for Joe Biden, it's good enough for Bobama.

Pix:Bobama the Mentalist Ponders his Answer to the CAW Bailout, by Reuters

A New Somber Mood of Reality

2008-11-20T05:40:00.007-05:00

My friends, I hope you liked the low-key speech, and the reaction afterwards. A few salient points:

1) Jack and Gilles went up the Hill, and did what they had to do, and it makes the Puffins look like pussies, keeping us in power.
2) Prentice will be carrying the heavy load - water and gas, and he will do it well.
3) We're framing this session as a roll up your sleeves one, and all whiners and demonizers will be dealt with severely by the new compliant press corps, forced to find new verbs and adjectives to describe the doom and gloom that pervades our markets.
4) Now that Thibo has gone, the so-called ethics committee should become less partisan, right?
5) Who's the biggest polluter in Canada? A certain provincial hydro monster that was forced to burn more coal because Bobama Rae nixed nuclear plants. I rest my case.
5) I look forward to echanger les barbes with the jeune prince Justin. This should be fun.

My friends, this is no time for political bickering and partisan backbiting. This is the time to work together to help working Canadians, and as my good friend Obama said, "heal the planet." Yes we can. God Bless Canada.

Somber Pix: Adrian Wyld, CP

Welcome Back to Blogwarts, Chaps

2008-11-19T10:00:00.006-05:00

I see the Tag Team Twins have been seated next to each other, right across the aisle. Is this to make me cross-eyed? Did Ignatula just fart or something?

Apparently the two Lester Pearson Liberals are running against each other. Don't believe it for a minute, mes amis.

It appears Bobama Rae is going to be playing the bad cop role, Count Ignatula the good guy. Both will continue to demonize me in their own special ways. But I'm ready for it.

My strong suit will continue to be economics, of course. Bobama ran Ontario into the ground, and we're still feeling the effects - not enough doctors, not enough nuclear power (both nixed by Bobama). The Count has not run anything larger than a graduate seminar, although I hear he has a good PR agent for a wife.

It's going to be an incredibly boring six months until the Puffin convention. Please bear with me my friends as we are subjected to an endless series of symbolic stunts - Bobama walking out of a candidates meeting because he is an open and transparent guy was the first one. I nearly feel off my chair laughing. Who dreamed that one up, Gerry F. Kennedy?

Enjoy the speech. Yes we have to rescue GM. But it goes against every fibre of my being.

Pix:Chris Wattie, Reuters

Sour Grapes?

2008-11-06T12:04:00.002-05:00

Angry right wing Fox News commentator Ann Coulter is still feeling cranky about Obama's victory, as I am:

"For now, we have a new president-elect. In the spirit of reaching across the aisle, we owe it to the Democrats to show their president the exact same kind of respect and loyalty that they have shown our recent Republican president."

Oh, no. Not more conflict. Why can't we all love each other as the dear Leader wants us to?

Well, I Lost

2008-11-05T03:41:00.012-05:00

In spite of my last minute entry into the race, replacing John McCain, the American people obeyed the Messiah and went to the polls in record numbers to do their duty, as they had been taught to do by Lord Barry.

God Help America, and if I hear some TV commentator utter the word "historic" again, I'm going to get hysterical. The Reality Party of Canada is historic. These guys are antediluvian.

If I may address the people of the United States personally: "You Americans had a chance to elect me, and impose the Canadian banking system on the US, and you blew it. You've opted for Barry's "redistributive change", so good luck to you all."

Now the hard part begins as the heir to Jimmy Carter attempts to teach Americans about "relationships built on self-interest". I guess that's Washington in a nutshell.

Montrealers Nail Sarah Palin

2008-11-03T12:11:00.004-05:00

Montreal CKOI DJs Marc-Antoine Audette and Sebastien Trudel, the "Masked Avengers," nail another politician to the wall, although clearly this one is a good sport.

Previous victims include the Queen, Britney Spears, Bill Gates and Sarkozy himself (who accepted a call from another Fake Stephen Harper (not the REAL one!).

Obama's Defence Naiveté?

2008-11-03T11:45:00.001-05:00

More policy clarification from the Dear Leader.

Sorry, but this gives me the creeps.

Barack Chavez?

2008-11-02T20:10:00.004-05:00

It seems His Holiness is now saying that

"We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set.... We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well funded."

Sounds just like Cesar Chavez, idol of Obama's old buddy Bill Ayers.

Obama Will Spread the Wealth

2008-11-01T08:20:00.004-04:00

Can Lord Barry Heal the Bitter Ones?

2008-11-01T08:19:00.002-04:00

Hallowe'en in Obamaland

2008-10-30T05:22:00.011-04:00

More Hillaryousness from south of the border.
First, a blood sucking monster scares a young woman:

Second, a nasty, unfeeling attack cartoon on the Democratic Party saviour's wonderful "Spread the Wealth" message.

Next, a restructuring of our Wizard of Oz metaphor (no, Sarah, this isn't Kansas any more):

Hey, I'm Running for President

2008-10-29T11:28:00.015-04:00

My friends, fresh from my electoral triumph in Canada, and with the Puffin Party in disarray, I've agreed to help out our cousins in the Republican Party by taking over from John McCain in this, the final week of the campaign.

Obama is such a fake, and if anybody can beat Fake Obama, I can.

I realize that having a virtual unknown such as myself come out of nowhere may be a bit of a shock to many Americans, but my main platform - to impose the Canadian banking system on the US - will I think help us save the day.

I'm Fake Stephen Harper and I approved this message.

PS. Click HERE to see the start of my campaign.

Harpernomics for Socialists #8 - Will the Reality Party of Canada Run a Deficit?

2008-10-29T06:03:00.008-04:00

A lot of pundits are whining that I misled them during the election when I said that regardless of the ongoing global economic crisis, I would not allow Canada's finances to slip into deficit. Waaaaaaahhhh!

Look I never really said that in so many words, and Flaherty has been at pains to tone down the rhetoric and suggest that we will use all tools at our disposal.

Look dear friends, last night I got out Mackenzie King's real crystal ball, and called up the old fellow. We got into a heated argument, which I ended up winning. He said, "Even Bennett agrees with me. You've got to balance the budget above all".

I said, "Look Mackenzie, it's clear the US and certain global basket cases are slipping into deflation, and if Carney finds we're trending into the same ditch, there's always the good old printing press. I mean, we're all post-Keynsians now."

King gave me a look of sheer disbelief, shook his head and grunted, then quickly faded out.

Dithers' $12 Billion Surplus

2008-10-29T05:35:00.014-04:00

According to a briefing paper, my predecessor is going around flogging a manuscript on why he was so beloved as finance minister, and why we ruined HIS $12 billion surplus.

Well my friends, it wasn't his anyway. It belonged to the Canadian people, and we gave it back.

In the classic words of Dear Leader Obama, it's "redistributive change*." Except we in the Reality Party of Canada reversed the process, in two neat GST slices. Geddit people?

I see too that M. Paulie, "one of the most successful finance ministers Canada has ever had,"™ is now chairing a project to preserve the Congo River basin. A real Humprey Bogart is our ex! Here he is on one of his latest expeditions, where he teamed up with Katherine Hepburn in dragging an old CSL barge up the Heart of Darkness, looking for treasure.

The legend just keeps on growing.

*higher taxes = more pork for our friends. As US Chief Justice John Marshall once said: “The power to tax is the power to destroy.”

New Obamanation National Anthem

2008-10-28T11:50:00.005-04:00

Hey, it just struck me. This is the same anthem they played when Tretiak and his goons came to Canada for the first time, and, if I can be unparliamentary for a moment, we went to Moscow and whomped their respective asses.

And we can do it again. Yes we can.

Obama Spin Doctor Meets Megyn Kelly

2008-10-28T11:02:00.003-04:00

Such a polite Obamatron...

In one of his Little Red Broadcasts, the Dear Leader spoke of the "tendency to lose track of the political and community organizing and activities on the ground that are able to put together the actual coalitions of power through which you bring about redistributive change."

The One posits that Americans should "break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution."

"I am not optimistic about bringing about redistributive change through the courts. The institution just isn't structured that way."

In other words, don't bother about the courts and the law. The way to give everybody bread and circuses and fake mortgages is through politics.

More on Bill Ayers and Friends

2008-10-27T20:57:00.003-04:00

Here's old fidelisto Bill Ayers in his Cuba T-shirt rapping about education.

Here are some of Bill Ayers' other friends.

Obamatrons Get Ready to Vote

2008-10-27T17:37:00.004-04:00

Obamorganizers waken the living dead in Austin, Texas, and get them to shuffle off to the polling station to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller.... Scary stuff if it's true.

Red Star Over Chicago - Anti Obama Political Art

2008-10-27T10:03:00.008-04:00

In this video, researchers for the Fox News Bill O'Reilly show nail Obama guru and Cesar Chavez buddy Bill Ayers. Ayers, a former Weather Underground domestic terrorist, sporting his red star t-shirt, makes a property rights statement and calls the same police he once (allegedly) bombed.

A number of US photoshoppers have come up with some Nobama art. I prefer the Obama as the New Messiah ones, but maybe these portray more of the truth. Here's a sample:

October Surprise? - The Ultimate Obama Smear?

2008-10-23T09:16:00.020-04:00

As someone who has spent the past few years being demonized by Torostar, the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network, the National Dope Party (N.D.P.), that old Maoist Duceppe, and now George Boros, owner of the US Democratic Party, I must say I share the pain that Barack Hussein Obama is currently going through.

Today and tomorrow, reports say Barry will be off the campaign and in Hawaii, helping take care of his sick grandmother. My condolences.

However, other cynics say that he is there to tend to something more ominous, a court challenge by crusading Chicago lawyer Andy Martin that is asking for a certified vault copy of Obama's birth certificate.

In a parallel court case, in Philadelphia, the plaintiff, attorney Philip J. Berg, declares that the birth certificate put up on Obama's Fight the Smears website must now be regarded as a forgery and that, according to Obama's paternal grandfather, Obama was born in Mombasa, Kenya.

Here's an interview with Berg (you can skip the first 60 seconds):

Berg states that "he filed Requests for Admissions on September 15, 2008 with a response by way of answer or objection had to be served within thirty [30] days. No response to the Requests for Admissions was served by way of response or objection. Thus, all of the Admissions directed to Obama and the DNC are deemed “ADMITTED.” Therefore, Obama must immediately withdraw his candidacy for President.

More HERE.

Here's the docket. Here's a good tracking blog from a law student with pals at the courthouse.

UPDATE: The Philadelphia judge ruled Berg had no standing. He is appealing to the US Supreme Court. The Hawaii judge delayed a decision until November 7.

NEW UPDATE: Some commentators are now suggesting that if John McCain loses the election, HE has standing, and the Supreme Court will hear him right away.

Whew, what a zoo! This stuff makes the last Canadian election look like a Sunday school picnic.

More From America's Loony Left

2008-10-21T14:54:00.006-04:00

What if he is the Messiah?

Bereft of real religion, these poor people expect the American media industrial complex to provide it for them.

Truly, deeply pathetic.

God Bless Canada.

Hey Sarko, Bienvenue Chez Les Osties!

2008-10-17T08:32:00.006-04:00

Faites comme chez vous, and let's make a deal.

Source: Serge Chapleau

Bobama Rae Love Affair Over as Grits Gear Up For Quick and Dirty Leadership Convention

2008-10-16T05:04:00.006-04:00

As we clean up the old chambres de guerre and put away the signs for another term at Blogwarts, word on the street (and in the National Post) says that the love affair between Bobama and Count Ignatula is over "and the two can't stand to be in the same room together."

My response to this is simply, Puffin Poo.

This pathetic attempt at a leak is clear evidence that the leadership campaign is already under way, and the first thing that Senator Smith and Bob Rae's brother John decided to do is manufacture a split between these two old college chums to give the appearance of a real fight. My friends, don't believe it for a moment.

The second thing is that my old friend Frank McKenna is also being brought into the race from TD Bank to provide some long needed credibility to the New Toronto Party of Canada.

The Justin Child will at last emerge and tease the journos and the women of Toronto that he is being temped to run. Acres of dead trees and zigabytes of bandwidth will be burned to maintain this sweet fantasy. He and his lovely wife Sophie will appear endlessly on the front pages of Chatelaine, Torostar etc. My friends, don't believe it for a moment.

The convention may occur as early as December. Details are being hammered out.

Yes, things are that bad.

God Save McQueen

2008-10-16T04:58:00.005-04:00

This may be a complete fabrication, but a little bird told me that there was a tough, soul-searching meeting at Stornaway yesterday, where the big Liberal brass told Backpack Boy to pack his bags.

The problem, you see, is money. With him as leader, the Puffin Party is dead in the water in terms of fundraising.

Now as you know, I don't believe any of this. And I have great respect for the Leader of Her Majesty's Official Opposition (see Her Majesty, top right), and I would love him to stay, but times are tough around the world (see Her Majesty, top right), and with the loss in votes in the last election, the Puffins are taking a $1.6 million hit from Elections Canada.

Thanks Jean Chrétien/Merci au petit gars de Shawinigan.

More as this develops.

Pix: Some Fleet Street Rag, "Queen Forced to Pawn Tiara as Chaos Rages in the City"

We Blew It, People, But We'll Fight Another Day

2008-10-15T06:04:00.005-04:00

First the good news - We've gone from 99 to 124 to 143 seats.

Now the bad news - We did not go to 156 seats.

My personal post mortem:

1) Culture - We boosted the Heritage budget from $350 to $400 million, and got shot down because we made one small program cut into a wedge issue. Doh.

2) Youth Justice - Another minor optional wedge issue. We shouldn't have bothered. People already knew we were tough on crime.

3) Insulting Bloc voters was a mistake, and we paid for it. I mean, was a vote for the Alliance a useless vote?

Maybe this election wasn't the time for wedge issues. I'm getting out Mackenzie King's crystal ball in the next day or two, to see if the old guy has any suggestions. Stay tuned.

Pix: Peter Thompson, National Post

Happy Thanksgiving From the Real Steve

2008-10-13T21:49:00.001-04:00

God Bless Canada's Women Over 35

2008-10-13T08:16:00.005-04:00

According to Laureen, that flirtation with Stéphane couldn't last.

Harris-Decima

A Final Plea to Quebec "Artistes"

2008-10-12T08:16:00.011-04:00

As you know, I am a cold hearted economist. I don't have time to gush over "phoques en Alaska," like some of your aging pop gods. I refuse to tell lame journalists who my favourite Beatle is, and I'm not going to appear on Tout le Monde en Parle so Dumbo Danny can sneer at my politics.

Yes my government loves Canadian culture, and we actually boosted spending in the Heritage Ministry from $350 to $400 million. But your whining about a $15 million travel cut in Foreign Affairs, which never should have had the program, got all the press.

Not very smart, people.

I just want to say, you bozos, that I'll be back, and next time you'd better not try the same BS as you did with your stupid ad, which Nathalie Petrowski of La Presse said was pathetic. A lot of people agree with her.

God bless a strong Québec within a United Canada.

Obama the Messiah

2008-10-11T11:27:00.000-04:00

God help us is all I can say.

Fraud We Can Believe In?

2008-10-10T11:54:00.004-04:00

It seems Obama's ACORN group are a little too enthusiastic about signing up dead Democrats.

Let's hope their Canadian branch does not try to pull off the same stuff.

Cranky Pants? We'll Get the Stocks Back Up

2008-10-10T09:50:00.001-04:00

The Land of Oz is Strong

2008-10-10T08:56:00.008-04:00

You know, friends, Hallowe'een is coming, and the kids were asking about costumes. Well, we just watched the Wizard of Oz, and I said, sometimes on the campaign, I feel like Dorothy on the way to the Emerald City, having to drag along the the Scarecrow (Stéphane Dion), the Cowardly Lion (Jack Layton) and the Tin Woodsman (Gilles Duceppe), not forgetting Toto (Elizabeth May, in the basket, out of the picture).

Here are some movie stills to show you what I mean. Pretty scary similarities, eh?

You Want Empathy?

2008-10-10T08:22:00.004-04:00

Vote for Oprah.

Or maybe Elizabeth May.

Rumours are spreading that Ms. May might get so empathetic that she will bow out of the race, and tell all her supporters to vote for the Puffin Party of Canada.

Canadians will want to know: Was that the plan all along?

Bank on Canada, People

2008-10-09T14:01:00.004-04:00

Reuters Today:

"Canada has the world's soundest banking system, closely followed by Sweden, Luxembourg and Australia, a survey by the World Economic Forum has found as financial crisis and bank failures shake world markets.

But Britain, which once ranked in the top five, has slipped to 44th place behind El Salvador and Peru, after a 50 billion pound ($86.5 billion) pledge this week by the government to bolster bank balance sheets.

The United States, where some of Wall Street's biggest financial names have collapsed in recent weeks, rated only 40, just behind Germany at 39, and smaller states such as Barbados, Estonia and even Namibia, in southern Africa."

So I would like simply to say to my esteemed opponents, take a valium guys.

Vote for the Sensible Party, Not Those Other Guys

2008-10-09T09:45:00.001-04:00

Elite Dems Who Want to Move to Canada

2008-10-09T09:25:00.002-04:00

Check this out. Oh, and bring your money.

Jeez, People Are Telling Me I'm Not Emotional Enough

2008-10-08T13:17:00.015-04:00

Well I'm mad as ~~hell~~ heck and I'm not going to take it any more.

Friends this is not the time to bawl your eyes out like Jack Layton appeared to do the other day, or get all choked up like Backback Boy when talking about poverty, or seethe with frustration like that old Maoist Gilles Duceppe. This is the time to put your shoulder to the wheel and roll up your sleeves and get to work to help Canadian working families keep their jobs, their RRSPs and their houses and have enough food on the table. It also means keeping our businesses prosperous, and retain enough money for social programs in our national treasury without raising taxes. That's why I'm in politics.

Let's not freak out here. The Royal Bank says Canada is strong. But we're on a roller coaster ride. Please do not remove your seatbelts.

During a private seance the other day, Mackenzie King reminded me of the words of Winston Churchill during the Battle of Britain, "These are not dark days, these are great days, the greatest in the history of our nation."

Harpernomics For Socialists #6 - Pre-Election Prognosis

2008-10-08T08:33:00.042-04:00

Look people, it's real tough being a real economist leading a real campaign, but we're the Reality Party of Canada, right? And we have to get through this mess with our savings and standard of living intact. And we can do it.

I've got to say I really feel your pain having to listen to the pathetic clap trap spouted by opposition politicians.

Let's look at each of them in turn:

1) George Boros - the proprietor of the Democratic Party of the USA and the biggest idiot in the world has entered the Canadian election at the last minute with his surrogate azazza.ca, whatever, party, which is not approved by Elections Canada, although there may be a loophole somethere. Our legal eagles are working on it, and papers will fly, I can guarantee it.

Anyhoo, George is buying full page ads in Canadian newspapers (see above), sucking up to the opposition parties and painting me as the worst leader in the world. George, if I could be unparliamentary for a moment, you can go short yourself.

2) Stéphane "the Plagiarizer" Dion - lacking any real policy, he is falling back on cruel schoolyard taunts perfected by Torostar journo-nannies and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network. The real Yours Truly is "selfish," "a bully," "George Bush," blah, blah, blah. He's still panicking. Last night, in North Bay, without a teleprompter, he said that “Never will an election have posed to Canadians so starking choice.”

You know, he's right.

3) Jack Layton - is freaking out as he drops in the polls as people start to vote strategically. When I mused that there are buying opportunities in the current stock market, which is a simple statement of fact, he demonized me as stealing money from pensioners. Get a life, Jack, and by the way, let's do lunch after October 15.

4) Gilles Duceppe - is now saying that while I am immoral and nasty, fragile and shaky, he looks forward to working with us in the next Parliament. Having survived a narrow near death experience by moving to the left and sucking up to téléroman "artistes" and aging pop stars, he will now spend the next couple of years popping paxil and fading into insignificance. But yes, Gilles, drop by my office when we get back to Ottawa and we'll have a talk about the forest industry.

5) Elizabeth May - rightly chewed out Mike Duffy when he suggested she wanted to dump NAFTA. Liz just wants to renegotiate the energy provision. Which will never happen, because the Americans will cancel the whole deal. They want energy security and need an oil price based on the value of the US dollar. That's the real deal. That's how we got them to the table in the first place.

Well, yes, OK, Duff, I guess she does want to dump NAFTA.

6) Danny Boy Williams - the Hugo Chavez of Atlantic Canada™ is also getting into the act, using the hard earned dollars of his ABC supporters to buy flashy billboards in downtown Toronto. As John Crosby used to say, "Lard help us".

Well that's about it. See you at the polls, and God Bless Canada.

Pix: Today's Montreal Gazette; Fred Lum, Globe and Mail

Obama's Little Potatoes

2008-10-07T19:24:00.002-04:00

Source: Celestial Junk Blog

Obama Youth Corps in Training

2008-10-07T10:55:00.003-04:00

A group of Obamatrons at the Kansas City charter school Urban Community Leadership Academy pledge allegiance to the Dear Leader. The school suspended the teacher in charge of the after school Hugo Chavez style training activity after he posted the video in YouTube.

Saturday Night Live Censored

2008-10-07T09:09:00.007-04:00

This Just In: It seems that the jolly satirists at Saturday Night Live south of the border just got seriously clotheslined by George Boros, owner of the Democratic Party of the USA. In an amusing skit last week, the crew lampooned Boros and his left-wing subprime schemer friends Sherbert and Maria Handler. In an unprecedented move yesterday, NBC yanked the video of the skit from their Web site, and it is gone from YouTube.

Well friends, God Bless the New Transparency. Some enterprising bloggers snagged the offending clip, and here it is in all its glory. Or if you prefer, a transcript.

Stéphane Dion Plagiarizes John McCain Conference Speech

2008-10-06T20:37:00.010-04:00

Trusty Tory reports that over a quarter of Stéphane Dion’s speech at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in 2005 was plagiarized directly from a 2004 speech given to the U.S. Senate committee chaired by none other than John McCain.

Bobama Rae comments: "This isn't just deeply embarrassing for Mr. Stéphane Dion — he would have been expelled from l'Université de Montréal for pulling such a stunt — but it speaks to the heart of what is deeply wrong with the old Naturist Governing Party. And that's why I am the odds on choice to become next leader of the New Puffin Party of Canada".

Canadians want to know: Can Backpack Boy deep six his speechwriter, or did he assemble the speech himself? And will this shame never end?

US Branch Plant Lefties Trying to Influence Canadian Politics?

2008-10-06T19:25:00.026-04:00

According to John Baird, it looks like George Boros (right), Obama's chief benefactor (to the tune of $40 million), is bankrolling efforts against the Reality Party of Canada. That's us. SAVE THE PLANET: STOP HARPER! they scream.

Environmental group Avaaz.ca is a tentacle of Avaaz.org, which was founded by moveon.com, which is funded by Boros, owner of the Democratic Party of the USA. Their Canadian Web site currently says Copyright 2008 AVAAZ.ORG.

In other news, Obama's ACORN group, a political poverty pimp community organization (and a private corporation) which bullied Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to increase mortgages for US minorities, with predictable disastrous results, also has a Canadian branch plant: canada.ACORN.org. ACORN has been convicted of voter fraud in over 20 US states.

"You’ve got only a couple thousand bucks in the bank. Your job pays you dog-food wages. Your credit history has been bent, stapled, and mutilated. You declared bankruptcy in 1989. Don’t despair: You can still buy a house.” - Chicago Sun-Times, April 1995, directing people to contact ACORN.

Both these "Canadian" groups lack a charismatic leader with a big deep voice. The only one on the horizon I can think of is, yes, The Justin Child, or better still, his "progressive" brother Sasha.

Canadians demand to know: Who will Boros buy?