Presidential Protection?

I'm still basking in the glow of the visit from my new friend Barry, even though he still has a tendency to want to hog the spotlight, and the pathetic Torostar and CP fotojournalists are still trying to get what they call the "Bob Stanfield dropping the football moment".

This picture shows President Obama telling the press corps to lay off and treat me with more respect (I later told him he was wasting his time).

Laureen joked that perhaps he was preventing me from being hit by a shoe.

Shades of Mister Dithers

It's clear that some of the great Obama charisma has rubbed off on me, to the detriment of the Leader of the Opposition, Count Ignatula, who has suffered a terrible drumming from some pinko journo by the name of Michael Stickings at the British newspaper, the Guardian.

Stickings leads off his hatchet job by saying, "Naive and egotistical, Canada's Liberal leader isn't the saviour his supporters believe him to be." What did the poor man do to deserve this treatment?

Sticking goes on:

"Why did Ignatieff do what he did? Because he has no interest right now in bringing down the government and thereby being compelled to share power. Because his political career has been about his own glorification, about his desire – for it seems to be the only reason he entered politics in the first place – to be prime minister. He may generously be called a chameleon, a shifty academic difficult to pin down, but perhaps more accurately he ought to be called an egotist who is sure of his own superiority and who seems to lack any real passion for the country he intends to lead..."

And on...

"With an air of haughty detachment, an arrogant sense of entitlement to leadership, limited charisma, Bush-friendly positions on key foreign policy issues, hardly any record on (and relatively little knowledge of) social and economic issues and next to no experience in the political trenches, Ignatieff is hardly the saviour so many Liberals delusionally think he is."

I must say I don't disagree on this point. The saviour is Prince Justin.

And on...

"To me, though, he has never seemed to be much of a Canadian, and certainly not enough of one to be our prime minister. It's not that he has spent so much of his life overseas – mostly in Britain and the US. It's that he has seemed to aspire actively to be anything but Canadian, and more specifically to be American. Which is fine, in a cosmopolitan sort of way, but he comes back to Canada with an air of condescension about him, as if he has seen the world and conquered it and has now decided, with the coaxing of a party eager for him to lead it back to the promised land, to sully himself in the world of politics supposedly on our behalf but really because he just wants to be prime minister, so great would it look on his resumé, a capstone to a long and successful career."

And on...

"Today's Canada is very much Trudeau's Canada, the Canada of Trudeau's vision, for better and for worse. Trudeau was, like Ignatieff, an intellectual, but, unlike Ignatieff, he obviously cared deeply about this country and sought to leave his mark on it, which he did. Ignatieff may feel "passionately and proudly Canadian", and there may be a bold vision behind his egotism, somewhere, but he has a lot to prove before he should be considered anything more than an opportunist, if not a self-absorbed charlatan."

What can I say. This is an ugly pathetic hatchet job on a good hearted Canadian politician, and I condemn it utterly.

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UPDATE: Apparently this Stickings pig used to work for Bobama Rae.

The Wolf Blitzer Interview

This kind of thing is great for Brand Canada:



I'm still getting feelers from the Republicans about running for them next time. Sorry guys, I tried that last time and it didn't work.

Our Obama Agenda

President Barry, if I can get personal for a moment, you're a great orator, but you're no economist - not even Chicago School - so here the main things I'd like to accomplish with you during your short visit.

1) First I want to give you a quick Harpernomics lesson. Lesson one. The trillion bucks has to come from somewhere. Carney and Finance want to know, are you going to inflate or tax?

2) The offer I made election night still stands, if you need help in reforming your banking and health care systems, just give me a buzz, and we'll send some experts down to the White House. As you may know, Canada is a great believer in helping our neighbours with foreign aid.

3) Let's talk about what to do about thorns in our side like Premier Danny Chavez and George Boros.

4) Now I know you're going to pledge to maintain NAFTA, and you will probably turn around and do the opposite, by putting up non tariff barriers against Canadian industries and producers. Are you OK if we negotiate free trade deals with Europe, Japan, India and China?

5) Let's discuss whether you're serious about the environment, or are you thinking that four years of hot air will heat enough homes to make the difference? Yes We Can make the Alberta Oilsands more environmentally friendly. But who's going to pay for it?

Look, I wish you all the best, and I really do sympathize with the tough job you have ahead of you. Our experts tell me that a Canadian PM has far more power than a US President, who has to spend all his time negotiating with Congress. I don't envy you, and if there's anything I can do in the way of economics education, give me a buzz.

Anyhoo, if you talk the talk, people will expect you to walk the walk. So keep talking in generalities, OK?

Yours for defending the world's longest undefended border....

PS: You can have a five minute photo op with Count Ignatula.

FSH

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Pix: Explaining how power relationships work based on self-interest. Yes indeed.

Mike the Baptist

Of course we're all fascinated by the spectacle of a public intellectual like Count Ignatula holding court within these hallowed walls. We're flattered, but why is he here? To save Canada from Yours Truly?

A persistent feeling around Langevin Block and PCO is that he is only here to hold the fort while the Puffins try desperately to refill the piggy bank. His role is to prepare the way, like John the Baptist, for the coming to power of young Prince Justin, descendant of the Templars, and the Obama of Canada.

Because the Count dresses better than I do, has a press agent wife, never met a camera he doesn't like, and has refined his "Talk Tough Like Mike" road act, he will at least make Commons life more interesting than Backpack Boy. I'm thankful for small mercies.

Kim Dilute Pull Forced to Eat Cat

In what journalists are calling Catgate or even worse, Pussygate, (Catscam? - Ed.) a senior Ignatieff advisor has been forced to recant before cadres of Red Guards for his sins in failing to keep his mouth shut.

This has become a big issue in the PRC, with people taking Warren Kinsella (Kim Dilute Pull) seriously, to the detriment of Sino-Canadian relations so carefully nurtured since the days when St. Pierre pirouetted in front of that old beast Mao. Now it is back to square one, I fear.

Massaging Michael

Dear Fake Interim Leader of the Opposition:

Look, don't be so shocked. It's just my brand new multi billion dollar coalition style budget, and I hope you like it. We need another election like a hole in the head, right?

Hopefully we won't have to pull all those economic levers. Now let's work on those so-called "middle class tax cuts" you and the Torostar don't want us to bring in.

Anyhoo, I look forward to crossing swords with you in the days to come, and educating your entire caucus, including that McCallum guy, about what's important in the days ahead.

Yours for a better Canada,

FSH

US Media Goes Bananas Over Obama

I'd kill for these headlines:

- "A Day When Even the Seagulls Were Awed"
- "Cheney Exiting Like 'Dr. Strangelove'"
- "Press Gets Intimate with Obama"
- "An Inaugural Speech 'For the Ages'"
- "As Obama Ascends, Horn Honking Ends"
- "After Eight Years of Hell, Celebrating Soulful, Brilliant Obama"

So much for the noble profession of journalism.

Harpernomics for Socialists #11 - Helping the Poor

I see tough talking Mikey the Mike is still wandering in La La land. In a recent Le Devoir interview, he said that he will reject any Conservative budget that contains tax cuts for the middle classes, but will support any measure that help the poor and create jobs.

Sorry Count, but you're wrong on both counts.

1) The Poor pay a higher proportion of their income on GST and PST than the rich. Ergo, any cut to these taxes benefits the serfs and peasants more than the bourgeoisie. Or would you prefer government hiring programs?

2) Tax increases provide more jobs for bureaucrats and their programs. Tax cuts leave more money in the hands of people and businesses. One way makes things better. Your way will make things worse.

So I'll ask you again, who's doing your economics? My advice is, fire him.

Or did you get this stuff from focus groups? Or is the Coalition of the Damned™ still in operation?

Congratulations to the New Pres

Congratulations to you, the new leader of Obamastan, and I'm delighted you're paying us a visit first.

Look Barry, if I can get personal, I know you're going to have a hell of a time living up to all these expectations, but let's face it, it's your own damn fault.

So the offer is open. If you need any help reforming your banking or health care systems, or even NAFTA, just give us a shout.

Oh and by the way, ditto if you ever need any energy.

So good luck, eh?

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PS: I just want to say that I may have been critical of you in the past, but a recent report from Carleton University says it's important for us to be best buddies. So I'm willing to give it a try. Let's shoot a few hoops and maybe I can show you how to skate.

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PPS: Sorry, but we don't want Bill Ayers. Try Iceland.

The Puffins Still Don't Get It

Warning: Puffinomics eruption.

So Mikey the Mike says "Stephen Harper spent the government down to the red line in good times," and he's not going to support any more of my terrible terrible tax cuts.

This from a guy who never managed anything bigger than a graduate seminar.

Clearly the Count can't count. Where's he getting his economics from? Bob Rae? It sure isn't Obama, who has come out firmly for tax cuts.

So it's back to the Coalition, Mikey the Mike?

The Obamafication of Count Ignatula

We're watching closely as the Count morphs into an Obama-like creature. I'm calling him Mikey the Mike.

First it was crop the hair short like Barry. Second, appear in shirtsleeves with a mike, lecturing an adoring crowd about helping out the poor. Third, perma-tan to give him a slight cafe au lait tinge. Fourth, smile a lot and carry around a cup of Tim Horton's (this nice touch ©Warren Kinsella).

All this shows up the intellectual bankruptcy of the Puffin Party of Canada. Yes, my friends, now led by the man who invented the name two summers ago in St. John's, Dannyland, after too much screech.

More analysis from the War Room as this develops.

What Do I have to Do to Get a Break in this Town?

Jeez, I appoint the Duffster to the Senate and I get a whole pile of complaints that I have ruined people's evening TV viewing.

I guess they prefer Mike Duffy Live to Mike Duffy Embalmed.

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Pix: Mike With Hair: Canadian Communications Foundation

We're Installing Radical New Political Technology in the PMO

And here it is. Our brand new Canuckistan III BS Detector that will help us deal with Puffinomics outbreaks. It will also tell us precisely when Count Ignatula and Bobama Rae are telling the truth about voting to keep us in power.Thanks to all the party's political engineers involved in producing this cool little device, which has an array of infrared, organic odour, climate change, political correctness and other sensors. This baby is Canadian made, and about the size of a BlackBerry.

We're equipping all Conservative Party MPs with the device, so they can stay alert, and also practice being sincere without smelling of BS. Or conversely, be able to spout BS when needed.

We may also be able to use it in upcoming trade negotiations with the Americans, Europeans and Chinese. I may try it out with King's crystal ball, to see if the old guy is telling the truth about how he kept Canada's credit strong during the 1930s.

God I love this country!

Merry Christmas Everybody

Hey, speaking of gifting, maybe we can build something like this?

A Productive Meeting

My first meeting with the Count was productive. I was delighted to see he knew where to find me, and he was right on time.

First we went outside into the hot blazing sun. Then at the count of three, we turned, walked fifty faces back and turned to face each other. He squinted at me and spat in the dust. I returned a fierce Bondian glare, my right hand in my pocket gripping my Flaherty PPK. This went on for thirty minutes. I kept my cool but I could tell he was perspiring slightly. Then he blurted out, "I don't need any lessons in legitimacy from you, Harper." And then it was over.

Talk Tough Like Mike

Want to get Iggy with it?

Count Ignatula has already reached back almost to Lester Pearson and hired Toronto guru and policoach Patrick Gossamer, fabricator of the original Trudeau gunslinger image (right).

Gossamer has clearly been coaching the Count on how how to talk tough. Apparently the journos love it, especially the female ones. Here's a sample from his first day before the cameras:

“I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”

“He knows where to find me.”

A promising start. Look also for Ignatula to surround himself with beautiful women and potted plants.

This and the institutionalization of Susan Delacarte happily marks the end of the Demonize Stephen Harper! program, which, let's face it, was a total bust.

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BTW, we're starting a new right side column with some of the more flavourful examples of Talk Tough Like Mike. Enjoy.

Your contributions gratefully accepted.

A Valium Leader Takes Charge

So the Coalition of the Damned™ is dead. Excellent travail, Sir, and now we can get down to work spreading the blessings of Harpernomics to Canadians.

You're almost there. You support low taxes, limited government spending, and so on. Flaherty can help you fill in the blanks. Welcome aboard!

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PS: We loved your press conference, and the office had a good laugh as you piled on Grit cliché after Grit cliché. A masterful job. We especially liked your heartwarming reminiscence about your uncle's Quebec dairy farm, and the delicious odours. Much like Question Period on a rough day, right?

One cynical staffer quipped that maybe you were “born in a manger”, but we'll leave that one for the Justin Child, descendant of the Templars. One of our weirder researchers/ conspiracy theorists suggested, with a straight face, mind you, that you were like a political John the Baptist, sent to prepare the way for His ascension.

Mea Culpa

It looks like Groundhog Day has come early.

I suppose if I hadn't been so interventionist, Count Ignatula wouldn't have come to lead the Puffin Party of Canada - the party he founded in the summer of 2007 - so easily and so early, and I would still be facing Backpack Boy. But that's politics.

Now we're back to the same old grinding battle, facing a dead broke opposition whose only policy is to say we are doing nothing and I am a bully.

Oh, and the usual piffle from the Ignatula blog: "Harper has created uncertain economic times. They inherited a $12 billion federal surplus and they've spent it down to the red line of deficit."

The Count spoke of the Puffin as "a symbol for what our party should be" - "They put their excrement in one place. They hide their excrement. They flap their wings very hard and they work like hell."

I predict the difference under his leadership will be, the excrement will be better hidden.

Susan Delacarte to Reboot Career

Word just came over the transom that Puffin cheerleader cum journonanny Susan Delacarte has had another "incident" caused by demonization possession, and will be recuperating at Toronto's Messy College, where old Puffins go to lay their eggs.

Apparently my successful prorogation of Parliament was too much for her, and she lost it in the Torostar cafeteria, throwing plates of damp adjectives at the other pitiful #1 Yonge St. wretches.

I think I speak for none of my peers when I send her our heartfelt wishes for a long and thorough exorcism.

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This just in: Apparently there is a ferocious bidding war by McClellan & Stewpit for her forthcoming memoir, "That Stephen Harper is SUCH a Big US-Style Schoolyard Bully!"

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Pix: Macleans's snapshot from the Torostar Christmas Party; Mister Dithers is trying to "intervene" and reason with Susan to remove the US flag, which she has not taken off since November 4, to celebrate Obama's victory. Apparently she is hoping to attend the Obamaguration, and will remove the garment as soon as he is sworn in.

I'm Such a Bully and I'm Crushing Your Head

Laureen and I were just relaxing and watching Mike Duffy Live last night before the Sens game, and the Duffster had on four Puffin talking heads, including the oily, unctuous, oleagenous Bobama Rae, and guess what, ALL OF THEM said that Stephen Harper is "bullying" the House of Commons.

More and more Canadians are finding this mantra really tiresome. I know the theory, repeat the Big Lie long enough and soon enough people will believe it.

Clearly, through lack of any real policy to fight the downturn, you gang of losers have fallen back on good old let's demonize Yours Truly.

All I can say is, "You flatheads, I'm crushing your head."



Can't you people even be ORIGINAL? I guess not. Let me help you out. First, go to the Susan Delacarte Attack Thesaurus below right. Pick a set of three adjectives, and try to pack them into one sentence, like, I don't know,

"Stephen Harper is ___________, and he's just trying to be _________ with the tax dollars of working Canadians, who think he is so ______. Nanny nanny boo boo."

There, feel better?

Don't blame me if this kind of moronic demonization fails to convince Canadians that you're fit to govern.

Adieu, Stéphane

Vaya con Dios and I hope we continue to see you on the front bench. Sorry you never got to be PM, but the job's mine.

You have been treated shabbily, during the Puffins' time in the penalty box, and now they think Canadians have forgiven them, they toss you out like a piece of old Kleenex. Pathetic.

So it's going to be me vs. Count Ignatula, mano a mano. I can handle that. At least I don't have to face Bobama Rae in the next election. That would be shooting fish in a barrel.

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Pix:Christopher Pike/Reuters

An Important Message for Puffins Thinking of Defecting

Take a number.

No seriously, the response has been overwhelming. One of our tame historians has said this situation is "similar in scope and impact to Robert Borden's wartime unity coalition."

If you want to do the dirty deed, act now and send your CV to Kevin at the PCO. We may have to open up some Minister of State positions. No limo, sorry, but perhaps a fine mid-range Ford, GM or Chrysler vehicle with driver. If you act now we can get you a premium late-model upgrade from Flaherty Motors in Oshawa, OAC.

Out.

We Can Work With the Coalition of the Damned

Darned right we can. Have your war room contact our war room.

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Cartoon: Graeme Mackay, The Hamilton Spectator

Marde de Taureau

The estimable Terry Corcoran comments today that "The Flaherty update contained ideas on taxes, spending, infrastructure, deficits and government waste that are sound conservative policy options. It was reasonably based on actual economic forecasts rather than the calamitous and opportunistic speculations of opposition politicians who are looking for a new excuse to bring back massive government spending."

He is calling the new Dion musical "a page from the work of the greatest academic authority on the subject, Princeton philosopher Harry Frankfurt, author of the 2005 best-seller, On Bullshit. Liars, says Prof. Frankfurt, need to know the truth. Bullshitters, interested solely in advancing their own agenda, have no use for the truth. They just make things up to win over their audience."

Mangeur de Hot Dog

Jolly Jacques Parizeau, French vineyard owner and former Parti Québécois premier of Quebec, said that “The fact that the Bloc got Stéphane Dion to sign a political accord in which it is explicitly written that he undertakes to act in partnership with Canadians and the Québécois should bring a smile to the face of many sovereigntists.” He also said a coalition government would be weaker than he one led by Yours Truly, a prospect he said was “eminently satisfying.”

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Pix: Graeme Mackay, Hamilton Spectator

Time For a Unity Government

I hear cooler heads in the Ignatieff camp feel they were "mouse-trapped" by Backpack Boy, and don't want to have anything to do with the Coalition of the Damned.™

Well done, fellas, come on over for a while until we can root out these evil people. If you want to stay, fine. Canada First, right?

Then we'll have an election to clear the air.

Let's Have a French-Style Runoff Election

This is getting goofier and goofier. Someone else emailed me, suggesting we move toward runoff elections like the French.

Come to think of it, it may not be a bad idea.

After election #1, we could ditch the third place parties, i.e. the Bloc and NDP, and a week later have the real Mexican standoff, mano a mano, just me and Dion in the hot sun.

The way things are going, something like this may happen anyway. Just me, and the Coalition of the Damned. Winner take all.

Memo to Self: Call Sarko and find out how it is done.

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Goofy Catches a Fish ©Walt Disney

Constitutional Convention of the Damned

I am told by my experts down the hall that Her Excellency Mme. Jean cannot change her Prime Minister unless there are extraordinary circumstances. Only an election can do that.

Essentially she is obliged to act on my advice, for example if I ask for dissolution of the House. The exceptions are pretty limited - breakdown of the government, major crisis, me going insane, and so on.

But there are no extraordinary circumstances, except the coalition's new found lust for power, enabled by Gilles Duceppe, who has not officially joined the Coalition of the Damned™, committing only to vote for the budget and Speech from the Throne for 18 months.

Dion and Layton, with their 114 seats and 44% of the vote, claim their legitimacy rests on some kind of emergency. But the opposition has already debated and voted for our legislative program as set out in the throne speech. We now have the confidence of the House.

So, my friends, they are being too clever by half, even more so if they take this to the Supreme Court of Canada, which clearly they intend to do.

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Pix: ATTILA KISBENEDEK/AFP/Getty Images

Fall on My Sword

I'm getting all sorts of advice. Another friend says fall on your sword right away, and let the Coalition of the Damned™ drive Canada into a ditch, as they are sure to do.

I replied that the stakes are too high for the country, and we have to fight as long as we can, and we shall NEVER SURRENDER.

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Pix: Serge Chapleau, La Presse