The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: The Man Can't Count

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Man Can't Count

Here's Mikey the Mike talking about his hereditary title, which does not exist. We've researched this exhaustively with a team of genealogists, and to tell the truth, he is five times removed, being the son of the fifth son. Sorry, this doesn't cut it. I once had a taxi driver who was the real King of Ruritania. Honest to God, it was in the Almanach de Gotha.

Some feel the real royalty in this benighted country is Justin Sinclair Trudeau. According to our consultants Dan Brown and Associates, he is a direct descendant of Mary Magdalene. Apparently, I'm a very distant relation as well.

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)