Apologies to All Pack Journos Who Didn't Get an Invite

Hands will be slapped.

Believe me, I know you've got a job to do - sell papers, right? - and I realize how frustrating it has been for you people, desperately searching for a Such-and-Such-Gate or a So-and-So-Scam to replace the Sponsorship Scandal. I know you all really ACHE to be the Woodsteins of your generation. But let's get real - remember the old Mister Dithers days, when the Puffins had to BEG you to write stories about their latest desperate handout or giveaway program?

Now you've got a front row seat in our battle with Elections Canada. But now's the time for responsible journalism as well. Don't forget, we're taking the bullet for the other parties.

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PS: Here's a bone to chew on. The material seized by the Elections Commissioner last week cannot be used by Elections Canada to defend itself in our lawsuit against them.

Obama Assembles his Spritual Credentials

We've been thumbing through the Divine One's Mein Kampf, The Audacity of Hope, and on about page 200 he confides to us that he doesn't have any profound religious belief, but in his early Chicago days as an "activist", he really felt he needed to acquire some spiritual "street cred."

Is this like Bobama Rae's youthful foray into "democratic socialism"?

Change We Can Believe In.

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PS: Here's Obama getting his "Commie cred."

Delacarte Discovers Disturbing Trend

Torostar diva and former Paul Martin insider Susan Delacarte is a pillar of the unholy trinity of the One Front Street High School Yearbook Team, the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network and the Puffin Party of Canada.
In her latest slow news day musing, Is there a Trend here?, this journo-nanny is shocked, YES SHOCKED, that righteous Conservatives such as myself should think there would ever be such a thing as collusion among these dark forces.
If I could be unparliamentary for a moment, this is simply:

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So Susan, cut the crap. Nobody believes this kind of thing any more. Even you don't. Welcome to the twenty-first century.

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Pix: Torostar, Saskatchewan Union of Satiric Photoshoppers

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In other news, Torostar Corp. is cutting 160 jobs and taking a $21-million charge in a restructuring of its newspaper division amid continued weakness in the industry....

Liberal Media Has Telepathic Powers

Don Martin:

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"The real interesting part, which has a lot of Conservative MPs in a lather, is how two camera crews magically surfaced to stake out both floors rented by the Conservative Party within minutes of the search warrant being executed.

The RCMP cruisers were unmarked, and the police scanner didn't broadcast the "visit," so unless CBC journalists are telepathic, the only plausible explanation is that they were tipped by Elections Canada."

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Repeat after me, "I'm mad as hell and I won't take it any more."

"This is BRANDING!"

This just in. Sandra pointed out that the esteemed Puffin Senator David Smith is quoted this morning as saying, "I could hardly believe it. I can't recall anything like this... This can be defining. This is branding."

Not so fast, sir, this really is unseemly near-orgiastic behaviour. My advice is, pay attention to your own flagging brand, not ours.

Anyway, heartiest congratulations to your Dirty Tricks Team, and the media tipoff was classic Grit, but please restrain yourself in future, and we'll see you in court.

Keep on Puffin.

In-And-Out-Gate a Real Yawner

Hey, this André Thouin of Elections Canada was the same guy who as a chief superintendent with the RCMP testified to Judge Gomery that Librano MP Alfonso Gagliano was the capo making decisions about sponsorship in Quebec. Small world, eh?

OK, Thouin is a diligent ex-horseman who was just doing his job, and I guess Elections Canada needed to read our emails before they met us in court because they weren't even close to making a case. But why the heavy hand, and who tipped off the journos and the Puffin Party of Canada's own hacks and camera crew? Are they doing a documentary? On moi, Teflon Steve?

My bet? the usual suspects - the Puffin Dirty Tricks Team, and close friends of the Opposition in the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network, just down the street. More as this develops....

Totally pathetic. A tip for the Puffins: "In-and-out-gate" just doesn't cut it.

Here's our statement, and I won't comment further on matters before the courts.

Speaking of court, my Puffin friends, just thank us for taking Elections Canada to court to seek clarification of a badly thought out rule. By the way, don't we have a date before the judge?

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Ian, please keep me informed about the progress of this farce. I have a country to run.

This is a Local Ad

Hi, I'm Fake Stephen Harper, and I approved this local ad.

This is a National Ad

I'm Fake Stephen Harper, and I approved this ad.

Michelle Obama on Broken Souls

Come all ye that are heavily laden, and Barack will refresh you, for he is the truth and the light, says Obamamama. “Barack knows at some level there is a hole in our souls,” she says. “Barack is the only person in this race who understands that before we can work on the problems as a nation, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation.” Here endeth the lesson.

Bobama Rae Will Free You if You Only Believe

Silly Serpents awake! Bobama Rae is back in the Promised Land of Ottawa and he doesn't like what he sees. Things used to be real swell, but now Bobama sees a place that is "more partisan, more scripted, more orchestrated."

But Bobama has a dream, you see, a dream to bring the tulips out again. On his blog he declares, "The public service in Ottawa is muzzled, afraid to speak its mind, told to toe the party line. The deep freeze in town is not just the longest winter in memory - spring will come and the tulips will emerge. But a vigorous public service able to breathe and speak its mind will have to wait for political change."

The groundhog Bobama has spoken, five more years of winter unless we believe. No Stanley Cup either.

Obama and Ignatula - Rulers of North America!

Wow, who's this foxy academic sitting on her soapbox?

Why it's Iggy's soulmate Samantha Power, musing about her vision of a sophisticated Harvard-educated dynasty of Puffins and Bamas ruling the whole of North America.

This time the ex Obama advisor told an Ottawa Citizen reporter that the Count may have been beaten once for the leadership, but don't count him out.

"I think you have not heard the last of Ignatieff... That was just a first foray. He's just getting, from my talks with him, more and more sophisticated."

Two minutes later, Samantha realized she had put her foot in it again. She panicked, and called the reporter back:

"To say we haven't heard the last of Ignatieff, I think, is perfectly fine," she said. "To say 'an Ignatieff-Barack continent' is probably pretty stupid and not all that helpful on my part."

Not at all stupid, Ms. Power. Your frankness is charming. How refreshing to see what you and Mikey are really talking about in your sophisticated late-night conversations. And I'm delighted to see you continue to tell the truth when talking to reporters.

Keep on Puffin.

More Church of Obama Kool-Aid

The research office just keeps coming up with these beatific images of the new saviour south of the border.

Looks like all the time Barack was sitting listening to his pastor, the Reverend Wright, spew his 9-11 invective and AIDS nonsense he was really watching his technique in manipulating a crowd of believers.

Truly Orwellian, but I do see how it would attract desperate Puffin Party of Canada theorists. Bring on the Justin child!

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The Brand Called Bob™

According to Susan Delacarte and the high school yearbook team at Torostar, the Puffins are desperately thumbing through the Obama playbook. Particularly this article on "The Brand Called Obama."

Says Susie: "Every MP and senator who attended today's caucus session received a copy of the article. Big hint — "Obama has taken what we thought we knew about politics and turned it into a different game for a different generation."

This fits with what Liberal pollster Michael Marzolini has been telling the Grits since last year: The trick for gaining support is to reach out to the whopping 80 per cent or so of Canadians who aren't engaged with politics."

The article says, "Obama has his greatest strength among the young, roughly 18 to 29 years old, that advertisers covet, the cohort known as millennials -- who will outnumber the baby boomers by 2010. They are black, white, yellow, and various shades of brown, but what they share -- new media, online social networks, a distaste for top-down sales pitches -- connects them more than traditional barriers, such as ethnicity, divide them."

So there you have it. The Brand Called Bob™.

Bobama Rae as Mister Sunshine

We've been deconstructing Bobama Rae's earliest utterances on his blog and in the House, and guess what? The new Puffin message is clear - utter contempt for nasty uncaring unfeeling old-fashioned politicians like me, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe. Oh, and a dumbed down party message: We're the Good Guys.

Here he is blogging about his first days back in the House:

"The culture of contempt applies everywhere - question period, debates, committees - Prime Minister Harper has refused to answer any questions on the Cadman Affair, committees are stonewalled, the NDP is caught in a timewarp of class warfare and character assassination, the Bloc is fighting desperately for its survival and as a result is circling the wagons to defend the ramparts of linguistic nationalism."

(And the Puffins? - Ed)

While Obama says, "Yes We Can," Bobama takes a more Canadian approach and says "Let's Be Nice":

"Can we do something about this ? It will not be easy. Humour, spontaneity and good fellowship are always a good idea and should never be out of style."

ZZZZZZZ - I told you the next nine months were going to be totally boring.

Justin TrueDoh, where are you?

Yes, Norma Bob is Back

... after a 30 year absence, and being kind of at loose ends. He gave up his youthful fling with Marxism several years ago, and recently got a new Grit chip implant. Now he's back where he knows he belongs, in full Puffin regalia, Boss suit, muted red tie, fit to kill. And a new shtick - Bobama!

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Change we can believe in, right?

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Someone pointed out that we now have two sons of Lester Pearson mandarins on a totally Toronto-centric front bench. God help Canada if this gang ever get into power.

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Pix: Chris Wattie, Reuters

Let's Welcome Martha Hall Monitor

Let's hope this lady can bring some sense and estrogen to the Opposition front bench, which has been too long the playground of schoolyard bullies, and arrogant, devious, uncaring and unfeeling male members.

And she'll give me something to look at besides the bland supercilious smirk of Bobama Rae and the snarky indignation of Count Ignatula.

A hearty welcome to Blogwarts Academy, Martha. Your first job is to send your leader out on the road for a nine month fundraising trip. And don't forget, Keep on Puffin.

PS: Martha, any time you want to do a "Reverse Belinda" move, just give one of my friends a shout.

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Pix: Martha's Web Site

The Obama Beatification Continues

... with these "Drink the Kool-Aid" images of Obamasaviour and the Virgin Michelle were inspired by their pastor, the Reverend Wright. Repeat after me, "...a light will shine through that window, a beam of light will come down upon you, you will experience an epiphany … and you will suddenly realize that you must go to the polls and vote for Obama."

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Truly, deeply pathetic.

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Your Quote of the Week:

"I'm sure," said Barack Obama in that sonorous baritone that makes his drive-thru order for a Big Mac, fries and strawberry shake sound profound, "many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests, or rabbis with which you strongly disagreed."

Well, yes. But not many of us have heard remarks from our pastors, priests or rabbis that are stark, staring, out-of-his-tree flown-the-coop nuts." - Mark Steyn

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Liberal Leadership Convention May 2009

I have come under a lot of gentle ribbing around the office for my prediction of a 2009 Puffinfest in Toronto where Bobama Rae or Count Ignatula will win the leadership after a gripping battle with Martha Hall Monitor, Justin TrueDoh and Gerry F. Kennedy.

I'm sticking to my guns, and recent evidence suggests I am right:

• The Count was furious over a report on his misgivings about Backpack Boy in La Presse; he had to issue a release stating categorially that it was a pack of lies; (Memo to Mikey - the election campaign starts today; no telling the truth to reporters.)

• Senator Smith and John Rae unveiled a new tougher "Gunslinger" Stéphane in a meeting in Montréal yesterday. Hilarious, but necessary.

• Our sources tell us the word is going out that the Party will brook no more dissension and lack of discipline (i.e. bitching to reporters), or miscreants will not be around to reap the spoils of "the glorious victory that will at last be ours"...

I guess it's go into your holes until roughly January 2009, when Backpack Boy will announce his resignation.

So much for the Puffin Youth Movement:

So dear readers, look for a BORING nine months.

Except for the new front four facing me and trying to give me a hard time - Martha, Iggy & Bobama, with Dion gradually fading into nothingness.

And not forgetting the US election, which will give the poor journos something to chew on.

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My prediction for Puffin Saviour: Bobama Rae, because he knows when to keep his mouth shut, and knows how to say absolutely nothing with perfect sincerity.

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Pix: Iggy doing his best John Kerry impression (Canadian Union of Satiric Photoshoppers); Getty Images (Simon Hayter)

Pity for the Puffins

It is with a great deal of genuine sympathy that I note the current potentially fatal travails of the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition. I mean this sincerely.

You know the history. In his first year in the job, Monsieur Clarté surrounded himself with political theoreticians, and his office very quickly imploded. Senator Smith and John Rae had to move in, de-foul the nest, and get the bird flying again.

These old operatives quickly got under way a major poll-swaying operation, led by the usually reliable tame journos at Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network. First it was a gripping replay of the Schreiber Show, then the cunningly crafted Cadman Exhumation, then the hilarious NAFTAgate exposé.

Nothing worked.

Count Ignatula was sent door-to-door. Fundraising stalled.

The polls budged a few degrees, then slid back.

Party propagandists grew weary, and yearned for a Canadian Obama. But Backpack Boy stubbornly refused to fall on his sword.

So what to do? I've been wracking my brains over this one, but have finally figured out the plan.....

The obvious near-term answer? Bite the bullet, stay in the House for a non-confidence motion, fight an election, and get Backpack Boy defeated.

But it's getting a little late in the day for that, and besides, there is no money to fight an election. Even if there were, Smith and Rae are clearly terrified at the prospect of losing 30 or 40 more seats to moi, Teflon Steve.

I'm convinced, Dear Diary, that Senator Smith and John Rae have come to the conclusion that the best course of action is a leadership convention about 5 months before October 2009, the fixed date for the next federal election. So Stéphane stays in harness, gradually fading into the woodwork as the journos get increasingly obsessed with the US election, then quietly resigns in about January 2009.

At the same time Smith and Rae are working flat out to manufacture a tight three way race among Gerry F. Kennedy, Bobama Rae and Count Ignatula, with Martha Hall Monitor and maybe Liza Frulla there for the ladies, and Justin TrueDoh for the youth, spouting Yes We Can Obamaisms ad nauseam, and may the best Puffin win.

Of course, the excitement generated by this convention - held in Toronto in about May 2009 - will be so profund that the journalists will be wetting themselves with relief, money will again flow, and the Puffins, so the theory goes, will win the next election in a walk.

Hey it might work, but don't quote me...

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Dion Pix: Fred Chartrand, CP

More Obamamania - Faking Out America

"My job is to be so persuasive that if there's anybody left out there who is still not sure whether they will vote, or is still not clear who they will vote for, that a light will shine through that window, a beam of light will come down upon you, you will experience an epiphany … and you will suddenly realize that you must go to the polls and vote for Obama." - Barack Obama, January 7.

This guy's not a healer, he's a sick-maker. It's called Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). Look it up on Google. Obama is a walking, talking practitioner.

Apparently, the national hypnotism is being engineered by the Democrats' "Fake-Out America" adviser, Berkeley linguistics professor George Lakoff.

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This just in: surprise, surprise, Warren Kinsella has swallowed the Kool-Aid as well!

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Former NDPer Elected

I'm sorry to announce that the oleagenous Bobama Rae, whose brother John lent him $700,000 to run for the Puffin leadership, has been elected to the House of Commons.

This is good news for the people of Toronto, who have sent Rae packing on several occasions, but this is not good news for viewers of Question Period, who will now be treated to endless sanctimonious meandering, and all with a straight face, set with predictable outrage.

I wonder if he will have anything new to say on "CadScam" and "NAFTAgate", two phony scandals that are well past their due date? I cannot comment further on matters that are before the courts.

The Dangerous Rhetoric of Barry Obama

"Equality means that a black demagogue who has been exposed as a phony deserves exactly the same treatment as a white demagogue who has been exposed as a phony." - Thomas Sowell

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This Obamaman is worse than a Bible Belt preacher. He doesn't give speeches, he turns people into zombies. He truly knows how to use hypnotic language to mess with his audience.

What are we to make of this statement: "It will light upon you," he said. "You will experience an epiphany. And you will say to yourself, I have to vote for Barack. I have to do it."

Yes master.... Must go vote... Must go vote...

Pathetic. Soon people will be fainting in the aisles and speaking in tongues.

And check out the Pepsi-style logo. It stands for, "Drink the Almighty Obama Kool-Aid."

Puffins Max Out their Amex Cards

Sandra just pointed out that Backpack Boy is claiming to have enough funding to fight an election, cause it only takes $18 million, and they have set up a line of credit for exactly that amount.

It really saddens me to see the once great Puffin Party of Canada forced to grovel before hard-hearted bank managers. My heart goes out to my esteemed Parliamentary colleagues just across the floor of the House of Commons. And bravo Senator Smith and John Rae for getting this train wreck off the ground and producing some really cool demonization of Yours Truly - "NAFTAgate" and "CADSCAM" were really triumphs of political black art.

Doug made a tasteless joke about the collateral for the loan being "Stéphane's ass," but I am urging everybody to calm down and take the high road here.

Yes We Can.

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(Hey, maybe they can dig up some of that sponsorship loot - Ed.)

The Trap Has Been Set

This just in. The New Puffin Party of Canada has decided to stake it all on a tax break for the rich. They've hired Rick Mercer to shill for them with a new bunch of campaign ads that are almost as bizarre as Paulie's "We're not making this up" series in 2006.
Looks like we're going to the polls, in an April election that nobody wants. With bells on. In Canada. We're not making this up.

Oh well. As long as we can keep Norma Bob Rae out of the House of Commons. I don't think I could stand the boredom of Question Period with that unsufferable marble-mouth.

YES WE CAN.
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Ooops, sorry. No we can't. Ah darn.

Soldiers With Shovels

C'mon Puffin propagandists, where are you when we need you? Might I suggest:

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"Stephen Harper actually announced he wants to increase military presence in our cities. Canadian cities. Soldiers with shovels. In our cities. In Canada. We did not make this up."

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Your Weekly Obamagaffe

Quote of the Week: "Is the Democratic presidential process a Karl Rove plot?" - Mark Steyn

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Barry Obama's senior foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, apparently a Harvard "soulmate" of Count Ignatula, resigned yesterday after an interview in The Scotsman in which she described Hillary Clinton as a "monster... You just look at her and think, ‘Ergh.’”

Here's her entire commentary:

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“We f•••ed up in Ohio. In Ohio, they are obsessed and Hillary is going to town on it, because she knows Ohio’s the only place they can win.

“She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything."

“Interestingly, the people in her innermost circle seem to not mind her; I think they really love her.”…

“You just look at her and think: ergh. But if you are poor and she is telling you some story about how Obama is going to take your job away, maybe it will be more effective. The amount of deceit she has put forward is really unattractive.”

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This just a week after Obama's economic adviser told a Canadian official in Chicago that the candidate's comments on renegotiating NAFTA were only for show. And WE'RE being blamed??? Come on Puffins, let's get real here. What a load of phony baloney.

Poor Stephanie also made comments a few months ago that discredited any Iraq exit plan because of the likelihood of having to change that plan. Smooth move, Stephie.

It's kind of sad. That's what happens when you tell the truth to reporters during an election campaign.

In other news, I see Obamaguy has just raised over $$35 million from a gang of New York financiers led by George Soros.

This just in - rumour has it Al Gore wants to be Barry's VP. Somewhere, on an iceflow in Hudson Bay, a polar bear is smiling.

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OK children, repeat after me, YES WE CAN.

Watch Your Neck, Stéphane...

We didn't even have to photoshop this one, sent in by a loyal reader. It seems that Count Ignatula can barely restrain himself. Maybe some midnight on a moonless night....

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Pix: Tom Hanson, CanadianPress

Puffins Yearn for the Good Old Days

All this Cadman stuff is making HM's Loyal Opposers nostalgic. Remember those days when life was golden and Puffins could fly free, soaring through the heavens confident in their ability to, whatever. Well it's all the fault of those evil Kneedippers and Blocheads, who conspired with the brutal uncaring unfeeling dishonest and vindictive Yours Truly to tear down the government of one of the finest pirates ever to sail the seven seas of convenience. Yes, Paulie made us so happy. (see below)According to Torostar, the Naturist Governing Party is about to introduce a motion that the House of Commons "condemn the irresponsible and self-serving actions on Nov. 25, 2005, by the New Democratic Party and the Bloc Quebecois which led to the installation of a government that is hostile to the rights and needs of vulnerable Canadians."

Puffins Lay Another Egg

This time they may have gone too far. It's fine to utter such blather in the House, but not very wise out in the real world.

Is this the same gang of idiots who brought us "Guns in the Streets?"

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This just in: It appears it's a NEW gang of idiots attached to BC political wunderkind Mark Parisol, architect of the amazing leadership victory of Backpack Boy.

Keep on Puffin!

PS: The The Libel Notice...

Suffice it to say, none of the allegations has been proven in court.

R.I.P. Chuck Cadman

What's all the fuss? Correct me if I am wrong, but the "insurance" he was talking about may have been his decision to support the Liberals so he could die in office. This would probably make his widow Dona's pension worth at least a million dollars over her lifetime. I didn't particularly like what he did, but I think we can all understand why. So let's move on.