No Way Newman

That energetic old
antidisestablishmentarian
Peter T. Newman just e-mailed me. He wants to be one of my special buddies and please could he have one of my BlackBerry numbers so we can have intimate late night chats, but Sandra says he's persona non grata unless she's in the room watching every move he makes, and it's swept for bugs later. Laureen also nixed the idea, and rolled her baby blues and looked at me as if I were crazy.

I called up Brian for some advice. He says "Don't go near the X@#$X&X* AA##%%@. He's a wannabe Grit, but even Paulie can't stand him." To prove his point he e-mailed me the above picture. "I mean, look at the colour of his hankie... I rest my case. Plus he never removes that dusty old dutch fisherman's cap. You know it's hinged, Stephen. He lifted it once to show me - there's just an empty brain pan with some kind of teletype implant... Anyhoo, here's what I really think of the guy; I got Paulie to do the intro..." and he linked me this crude home video:

Dion in Tears

Stéphane Dion just called me on BlackBerry #4 and he sounded close to tears. "Thanks for all your support dearest Fake Steve," he said. "You're one of the fewer Commons people who know what a rough time I'm had. You always respectful and décent guy, unlike some of my party people."

And then he burst out, "I used to think you Conservateurs had a hidden US-style agenda. Now it turns out Michael Ignatyef, a US-style intellectual, thinks he can just snap the fingers and I will hand him Liberal leadership reins. Jamais!" Then he stifled a sob and the phone went dead.

Now WTH am I to make of all this? Who would have thought Iggy the House Elf would behave so badly? They never should have given him that sock.

Jack Layton Caught in Steroid Scandal!

Haha, just kidding. Here's more draft "agent orange" election material produced by a Toronto art college photoshop class. One of my loyal culture-jammers passed it on to Brodie.

Apparently the plan is to plaster it on poles in the "village people" districts of Canada's major cities, starting with Vancouver.

Not very professional if you ask me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he looks to me like a freak, with the head of V.I. Lenin and and the abs and pecs of Vlad "the Impeller" Putin.

I don't think it's any secret we're working on a similar poster of Peter MacKay, pumping iron in the Centre Block gym. We're targeting suburbanite soccer moms in 905. Particularly in one riding where daddy's girl used to run. We may also run it in the Sun newspaper chain.

What a Sense of Humour!

For several months now, I've been trying to get Gilles to come along and help me out at the annual Press Gallery Dinner - you know how shy I am in front of journalists - but he keeps telling me "No Stephen, you know that humour is a provincial responsibility".

Giles, if you're reading this, the door is still open for a union of our two great parties.

Another Nasty Liberal

Just to drive home the point that Stéphane Dion is one of the nicest Puffin Party leaders in history, Brian emailed me one of his favourite pictures of Pierre Trudeau. "Look at that face, dripping with contempt for Quebeckers and other Canadians," he writes.

"Yep, he sure was a maudit méchant bâtard," I reply, showing off my French. But in my heart I feel, "Brian, get over it. He's gone, and all he left us was a big pile of debt and a Charter the lawyers can fight over for centuries, generating millions in billable hours."

"Come on, big guy," I'm thinking, "your legacy is secure. Quebeckers are a free and independent nation within a united and prosperous Canada."

NDP Testing Out New Election Posters

Fresh from their Outremont electoral triumph, Canada's New Democrats® are trying out fresh new approaches to attract Canadian voters to vote for Taliban Jack. Here's one of the early efforts leaked to one of our Toronto operatives. It's from a Photoshop class at the Ontario Collage of Art. Pretty damn retro, but chillingly a propos, don't you think? The guy's looking more and more like Vladimir Sonuvabitch Lenin every day. Bernier got some foreign affairs flunkies to translate it, and it means, "Layton-Lived, Layton-Is-Alive, Layton-Will-Live". Yeah, whatever.

Red Diaper Baby Dumbs Down Public Discourse

Yawn Martel keeps bugging me to read more. This week he sent me a copy of Naomi Krein's Schlock Doctrine, with a note telling me it was a "non-fictional account of a young woman's nightmarish coming-of-age in a world she never made." I must confess it's a real bummer and I could hardly wait to put it down.

All I can say is, in spite of the loving, caring, concerned look on her face, this person appears to be thick as a brick. Her understanding of history and basic economics is grade school. For example, Chile under Allende and Pinochet was a Cold War battleground... the Russkies were pouring money into Allende cause they wanted a naval base on the Pacific, and the Yanks were determined to stop them. The country was heading for a major civil war.

Now all that sad story is over and the place is a thriving democracy, all because of free-market economics. But Naomi is still fighting the Cold War (or is it the Spanish Civil War) that her parents and grandparents fought in, and just can't get her brain to move on. Must be all those Pete Seeger songs running around in her head. Waaaaaah!

Viva Milton Friedman! Viva la Escuela de Chicago! Venceremos!
God Bless Canada!

Aw C'mon Gilles, Voyons Donc!

I know the purs et durs are leaning on you not to support those maudits Tories, and people are telling you to stand up and be a man. But jeez, you know very well I can't fulfil your wish list. So all I can conclude is that you're having me on. I mean tu blagues, hein? It's your devilish sense of humour, right? Let's look at these, ahem, non-negotiable demands:

First, as you very well know, Kyoto, apart from being a white dog, is also a white elephant, and to put it in the vernacular, un pot de marde, and even Stéphane knows it. My experts, who have risked their research grants to tell me, are of the opinion that it is increased solar radiation, which boosts water vapour in the atmosphere, that is the main factor in global warming, anyway. I know I'm the PMC, but can I turn down the sun?

Second, Afghanistan. I really wish I could help here. But we have to stop Pakistan, with its nuclear industry, from being take over by the Talibanskies. Do you have any better ideas?

Third, the spending power. You mean like funding Canada Research Chairs and stuff in education? I mean, profitez, right? Or are we stepping on the toes of all those poor imperialistic bureaucrats in Quebec City? The same ones who forced you to get on your knees and eat raw cod, in spite of the moratorium?

Fourth, aid to forestry. OK maybe we could come up with a lot of money to help the industry automate. But what will that do for future jobs? Quebec should spend some of its Hydro cash and buy out the contracts of forestry workers.

Fifth, keep supply management. You old Commie. OK, we might not touch chickens and cows for the moment. I mean until we are forced to by our trading partners.

So during the Throne Speech, just give me a little wink and I'll know you're onside, okay?

Nice is a Real Killer

I nearly choked over my double-double this morning when I read Rex Murphy in the Globe, uttering one of those universal truths he is so famous for: "Stéphane Dion gives every evidence of being an honest, intelligent, fair, nice human being. And with that train of four adjectives – all of them pointing to what we acknowledge as most fine in human character – I probably am writing the most savage sentence about a political leader it is possible to compose. Honest, intelligent and fair he might survive. But nice is a real killer."

Pauv' petit pitou!

Lighten up Rex, and all you pack journalists get off Stéphanes back! Sure he's everybody's favourite poli sci professor, and his anglais, pas pire, but jeez don't be so hard on the guy.

I must say I look forward to crossing plastic swords with him and Iggy the House Elf in that seminar room we call the House of Commons. He's really a superb Leader of the Opposition.

And what's wrong with nice anyway? It goes without saying I'm delighted that Puffin Party leaders are more civilized today than they were in the days of that sleazy street fighter Créton. Here he is doing his famous Shawinigan Handshake.

We've Got to do Something about the Polar Bear

Baird sent me these latest statistics about the out-of-control growth of our polar bear population. It seems that in places like Vancouver having a bearskin on your floor is a sin, so the market has tanked. Besides, the Inuit aren't shooting enough of them. As one guy in Nunavut told me, "Why should I risk my eskimo ass going after one of these beasts in a blizzard when I can work for CBC, roar around town on the 4-wheel and play video games with my kids."

Experts are now saying that if this growth continues, the big white bears will eat every seal from Hudson Bay to the North Pole, which will cause an environmental catastrophe of biblical proportions because then the fish population will explode too. Scary.

We're going to set up research chairs in every major university to come up with a solution. Baird thinks maybe we can tell the Chinese that polar bear penis is an aphrodisiac. I'll also try and get the UN to address this crisis in my speech there next week, although it may clash with my meeting with the Council on Foreign Relations. Brian says take door #2.

Gilles Duceppe, Great Canadian Hero

Gilles, you've done a superb job fighting for and defending Québec's interests. Brian is a big secret fan of yours too - much more than that traitorous bozo Bouchard. But now you can feel a chill wind going down your back, don't you. It's the wind of loss and dejection. The bye-elections were the beginning of a sickening downward slide. None of your members want an election, because they know they will lose and have to go back to Ste-Crysostome du Ha!-Ha!, forgoing the delights of Babylon on the Rideau.

So Gilles, call me up and let's talk. There's a place for you in the New Conservative Party/le nouveau Parti conservateur™.

And if you can't do this then let's support each other in an atmosphere of mutual respect. With Alberta's oil and your hydro, we can rule Canada for the next generation.

So I say, du fond de mon coeur, Vive le Québec libre
de profiter d'un Canada uni!

Crikey, John Howard's Gone Google!

Now YouTube becomes an official tool of democracy. Google has just announced the launch of a Google Australia election website, "so that Australian voters can have an intimate look at the parties, candidates and election issues, all in one Google location. These services, spanning Search, Maps, News, video, Earth, Trends, and iGoogle, enable voters to organise, find and share Australian election information more easily than ever."

They've even got a Picasa Web Album "to showcase all the elements, and we're pleased to offer these world-first tools that were developed in our Australian office. Here's hoping Australians will find them useful and even fun. It's our view that democracy on the web works -- and the web can work for democracy."

Yeah, whatever. Here's my good buddy Kangaroo John himself. Can anybody out there translate the Strine?
You know, I beat Howard to the punch. I'm the first fake world leader with his own blog.

Today's The Day

I feel for pauv' Stéphane. It's not going to be pretty in Outremont. First, CanWest papers are reporting that Iggy the House Elf has got some experienced Martinite thugs to undermine the campaign. "I only know what I see, and I see some suspicious stuff," said one Liberal worker on the ground. Jeez, kneecapping poor old Ken Dryden or what?

Another thing, our night operatives have been out trying to drum up sympathy for Mulcair by falsely accusing him of having left-wing principles (see poster). I know it's not true, I mean that he has principles. But the backroom thinking is, Mulcair in the Commons will take the environmental initiative away from Backpack Boy and his sidekick Kyoto the Malamutt. Makes sense to me. Brian told me it's all symbol manipulation anyway with the Puffins.

George W. Bush to Run for Third Term

Laureen saw this story at Loblaws and rushed back to tell me. I just called him on Blackberry #1 and the rumours are true - Dubya is staying on for another term. After all FDR did it in wartime too. That makes me think, why don't we have this kind of hard-hitting journalism in Canada. If the Toronto Star were to lighten up a bit, and become a tabloid, they'd be a lot more fun to read in the checkout line. As it is, reading the Red Star is a bit like going to a prayer breakfast when you've got serious jet lag.

Howard's Army

I have come away from OZ with a new respect for the Aussies and their PM. There's no BS about staying the course in Afghanistan - they're there for keeps. Until the job is done. Here he is flying over 'Stan with some of his happy warriors. Jeez the guy never stops smiling.

Trust me, the prospect of facing Taliban Jack and Backpack Boy and Iggy the House Elf next month is making me gringe. But as Brian told me in our daily conference call, "Don't forget, always keep on your best s**t eating grin."

Waltzing Matilda

Off to visit my good buddy John Howard, whose coalition has had FOUR majority wins. OK they're getting tired of him but crikey, what a charmer. Has his own talk show even. Always smiling. Here he is with his Shelagh and my Laureen. We're going to be working on a Climate Change Declaration if we can get the Chinese on side.

OK, I Did It. I Prorogued. Now Get Out of Town.

All you MPs go off and work for the party of your choice, while I go to OZ. AND DON'T BOTHER ME! I've got to work on a New Vision For Canadians.™

What Have the Grits Been Puffin'?

John Tory called on Blackberry #3 and he's urging me not to prorogue. Apparently he wants the Liberal Brain Trust (Kinsella?? - Ed.) tied up in Ottawa, obsessing about Afghanistan, during the provincial election. I'll think about it.

Meanwhile the Grits are on the Rock (rocks?) trying to suck up to Danny Williams. Apparently while chumming around with journalists late at night in downtown St. John's, Iggy the House Elf showed himself capable of much wit (who would have known?) with his comment that the official bird of the Liberal Party should be a puffin - because it lays an egg a year, flaps its wings a lot and tries to hide its own excrement (that's Harvard-speak for "shit").

That's what I've been telling people for years. A fake Conservative Party membership is going out to you today, Michael. Have another tot of screech.

Prorogue, Darnit!

Jeez, you wouldn't believe the pressure I've been under to prorogue, or is that perogie? Anyway Ralph the Last Grit in Saskatchewan called and said the Ontario Liberals are threatening not to attend Parliament because they have to spend the month of September in their ridings. Something to do with a provincial referendum on MFF.

Even this dog's master is tired out. You're right, it's Kyoto the Malamutt! What an alert little fellow, who bears an uncanny resemblance to his owner, except for the glasses. Too bad he can't fly!

OK, I'm a reasonable guy, so in the interests of parliamentary unity - plus I don't want to face a bunch of riled up Grits just yet - I've booked the Chateau Laurier at 9 am tomorrow for the big announcement. Speech from the Throne, tax cuts, the whole ball of wax. I'm going to roll out the outline of a whole new Promise to Canadians™.

Memo to the Press: I won't be taking questions. You can listen and take pictures, period. In the immortal words of P.E.T., "Just Watch Me!"

Tory! Tory! Tory!

Ah those were the days.

Backpack Boy's Hands Are Clean

Quick, how many provinces does Canada have?

Me on LaFlaque

Tabar- nouche I'm trying to work on my French by watching Radio - Canada and look what I found. It's the work of Serge Chapleau, the creative La Presse cartoonist, on his muppet news show, Et Dieu Créa LaFlaque. Your tax dollars at work...

Maybe this cruel satire is one of the reasons I'm stuck at 33.33% in Quebec. Must get Brian to have a word with the producers. Or maybe we can wait till Tom Long finds a new CBC president and Chapleau can be induced to work on my smile and move my eyes wider apart et faire la tête moins carrée.

At least my French is better than Backpack Boy's English. Dieu bénisse le Canada!

This Government is Dog Tired

Jeez I'm tired too.  Every free minute this summer we've been working on forging a new Promise to Canadians™ and getting the ducks in a row.  I think I'll get the lovely Michaëlle Jean to read it from the Throne. Stay tuned.

Sarko's Love Handles

Sarkozy's got the French press so well trained they even photoshop his love handles.  Left is the Reuters photo, right the one in Paris Match. They even gave him a sunburn so he didn't look so, ahem, Algerian.

I've asked Sandra to have a word with our Canadian media owners, about maybe Photoshopping any images that show me more, ahem, portly than I am. Except of course the Star, who would ADD love handles to any picture they took of me.

Why Peter Gets Defence

Look at the pecs and abs and gluts and whatever on this guy Poutine. His recent naked aggression at the North Pole got me thinking - the only man in Canada's New Government™ who can stand up to the Chief Russki and defend our northern frontiers is Peter MacKay, the early morning iron pumper of the parliamentary precinct. Plus the Shrill Times keeps voting him the Sexiest Guy on the Hill. So that's why I dumped Gordon O'Connor for the former Mr. Belinda Stronach.

And also you should know that Bernier's going to Kandahar to hang around with the Vandoozers and get his picture taken riding a tank. This should nudge the polls upward in Quebec.

I had to shuffle Prentice because he was getting too friendly with the First Nations, and giving them all sorts of concessions without getting them to promise to vote Conservative. Chuck will lean on them a little harder, do the Wheat Board thing. These autochotones have been voting Liberal for too long. I mean Dief the Chief gave them the vote in the first place, and since then all they have done is abuse his trust.

Stop the World

Jeez, one day Nahanni, the next day Markham, yesterday Carquet. Hey guys we've got almost $7 million in the bank. Can't we slow down a bit? George W. and Jose Canseco are coming for a security pow-wow this week, and I'm all whacked out. Plus I've got to get chapter 6 of the hockey history to the publishers.

Sarko's in Town

Brian and I may visit the new guy Sarko this week. For some reason he is vacationing in the Hotel New Hampshire. Paul Desmarais says he wants to patch up Franko-Yankee relations. Something about oil concessions in Iraq. George will be all ears.

I like Sarko already - the other day he tried to punch out some papparazzi on a boat. Sandra Buckler was ecstatic, but I told her we don't do that sort of thing up here in the Great White North.

Here he is at the G-8 after meeting Poutine and toasting Franko-Russki Relations. Vive La France. Hic!

Lay Off the Lit Bits, Martel

Laureen tells me some metrosexual from Montreal name of Yawn Martel is trying to get publicity by sending me the Great Works of World Literature to read, then bragging about it in the Toronto papers. Dante Gabriel Chavez, people like that.

The idea is, rednecks like me would be more loving and caring if we got a dose of Deep Thought. Now I like fiction as much as the next guy - nothing I like better than curling up with the latest Tom Clancy - but jeez I'm up to my yinyang in briefing books. I haven't got time to read some warmed over tale of a guy in a boat with some animals. It reminds me of Cabinet.  Besides, Ben and Rachel are getting me into Harry Potter plus I'm writing my own book about our national sport.

Memo to Oda: Can you do anything to get this guy off my back? How about a Canada Council travel grant to Kazakhstan?

Iggy the House Elf

The thinking woman's Harvard intellectual has done it again, with a four-page glossy in the New Yak Times. He was wrong about Iraq. It's just that he found those Kurds so courageous, and his heart went out to them. Plus they let him fire off a Kalashnikov.

So now he is back in the Grit sheep fold, with a major mea culpa.

I don't buy it. Politics is a tough business for a thinking man. It's those pesky polls, right? So many compromises you have to make, right?

Look, the reason Dithers didn't take us into Iraq was because he was too busy sucking up to Chirac. Now we have word the Francos wanted to build old Uncle Saddam a state of the art reactor, which George tells me was a no-no.

So stop beating your brain on the bedpost, Iggy. This is a tough business, and Lester Pearson is not around to help.

Plus it's too little and too late. Sarkozy's already patching things up with Bush, and the Americans are letting the French back into Iraq if they promise to be good.

Jeez What a Summer

Trust me, troops, I'm doing all I can on the rubber chicken curcuit. Now it's rubber moose. I'm up north of 60, trying to get somebody with an ice auger to fly to the Pole and drill a hole so I can drop a lead-weighted Maple Leaf on top of Poutine's pathetic tricolour.

Whew! Here's Poutine at the North Pole just before he got into his mini-sub. Jeez, he looks like the bad guy in Red October. Maybe Ben's right and I should take up karate.