Jack Layton - Guns in the Street

Hey, here's the new Kneedipper French ad.

• Decent production values - check.

• Shores up the Paranoid Doper demographic - check. Like you can look at YouTube when you're stoned to find even more hidden meanings.

• Sucks up to the Québec artists who lost their travel junket money so the Tories could subsidize the goddam St-Tite rodeo - check. Love the broken guitar graphic.

• Creepy Coldplay type soundtrack - check.

• Whiney gay marriage message - check. C'mon people, we've crossed that bridge.

• Stephen Harper = George Bush - check. ZZZZZzzzzzzz...

• Kyoto, Oil Companies, Globalization - check.

• NDP = No Down Payment - check.

• Jack Layton popup as the Man From Glad - check.

Well done, boys and girls. This should cut into the Bloc and Liberal vote even more. If I were a betting man, I'd think maybe Mulcair will keep his seat, but that's about all.

A Little Respect, Please

People, this is a hockey game, and it's fine to check Stéphane into the boards and clear the front of our net by muscling out Jack, but PULEEEEZE, no jumping into the stands and assaulting the ticket buying fans.

Look, Sens goalie Ray Emery tried this rink rage crap last year, and where is he now? Playing in some Russian B league. Capiche?

Pig Headed Politics, Obama Style

Or should I say, pork barrel politics à la Chicago.

Elizabeth May, Liberal

Check out this debate with poor Warren Kinsella. Maybe she will be able to explain the Green Shift to Canadians....

Satire Has No Place in Canadian Politics

As many of you know, I have long been a fan of Justin Trudeau, and feel he would be a real ornament to the House of Commons, taking the debate out of the gutter where it is now stuck, stealing the limelight from Bobama Rae, and elevating all our thoughts towards higher goals. Kind of like what Barack THE ONE is doing in the States.

Why not take the time to read this well thought out personal message from his web site HERE?

I would also make it a point to avoid this scurrilous attack by some imposter, also on the Web (Caution: Inappropriate Language, F Word):



This kind of satire has no place in a Canadian election, and I would urge sensible Canadians to have nothing at all to do with it.

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Source: Prenez Garde aux Chiens

Puffins More Juvenile Than Tories? You Be the Judge

Due to popular demand, I am uploading Darth Turncoat's original post*, to show how both parties are afflicted by juvenile over-enthusiasm. Click to expand:

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* (since removed)

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Here's the original Turner Report RSS feed received on our war room computer:

Curb the Enthusiasm, Guys

The Leader of the UGP (Unnatural Governing Party) has graciously accepted my sincere apology for the unseemly prank perpetrated by some of our over enthusiastic and over refreshed young Party workers. Yes the Puffin doo-doo graphic was pretty sophomoric, and I have told these people that they can do a lot better.

If I had my druthers, all this negative campaigning would not be needed. But it's the playoffs, right?

I must also remind you, dear readers, that we're not entirely to be blamed. The whole Puffin metaphor was dreamed up by Count Ignatula about a year ago on the Rock, when, after having consumed some screech, he innocently opined to a sympathetic reporter,

"They lay one egg each year. They put their excrement in one place. They hide their excrement.... They flap their wings very hard and they work like hell. This seems to me a symbol for what our party should be."

The problem is, comments like that tend to stick.

Installing Dion Servo-Controls

Apparently the Dion campaign is getting off to a rough start. First it was installing seats in the old carbon-spewing Air Inuit 737, lent to them by Senator Charlie Watt-Not, and getting rid of the faint tell-tale odour of muktuk so the journos don't throw up.

Now it seems the controls in the campaign Dion-a-Tron™ have been seizing up too. The picture shows Puffin operatives testing out a new speech-and-walk module on Parliament Hill.

I'd say this is the money shot of the whole campaign. And so early on too!

Demonize Stephen Harper Contest

The kids found this whopper on the Darth Turncoat site.* Of course Ben and his school friends think it's pretty cool. Not being a gamer myself, I'm not so sure.

Guy Giorno, who has had direct field experience dealing with the demonization of a guy name of Harris by the teachers unions of Ontario, feels that this is obviously the beginnings of a movement. But he nixed hiring a campaign exorcist.

Please send us any photoshop demonizations you find and we will publish them here. First prize is an absolutely FREE three month trial subscription to the online edition of Torostar. Second prize is an absolutely FREE six month trial subscription to the online edition of Torostar....

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* (since removed)

Here We Go Again

I hope you like the new Softer Stephen©. It's the real me, at least when I'm at home with the kids. On the campaign trail I am a barracuda.

Hey Doug was approached by some freaks from San Francisco who wanted to sell us on the same hypno-political techniques used by Barack Obama, but he laughed in their face and told them to try Jack Layton's office.

As I have already noted, back in January Obama told his audience, "My job is to be so persuasive that if there's anybody left out there who is still not sure whether they will vote, or is still not clear who they will vote for, that a light will shine through that window, a beam of light will come down upon you, you will experience an epiphany … and you will suddenly realize that you must go to the polls and vote for Obama."

I tried channeling Obama, but sorry, I really couldn't keep a straight face.

Congratulations to John McCain & Sarah Palin

Hey, she's practically Canadian. I have a picture of Laureen gutting a fish I took this summer at the lake, but Doug says it's not appropriate campaign material.

Puffins Opt to Foul Own Nest

Lord knows I tried. I even asked Mackenzie King what to do using the old man's crystal ball - all he said was "make sure the budget is balanced, and do what's right for Canada."

As I see it, Backpack Boy doesn't care whether he wins or loses; it's how he plays the game. As long as he and Torostar are demonizing moi, Teflon Steve, they are happy. I am the demon of global warming. I am the demon of not following fixed election dates. I am the demon of our troops in Afghanistan. I am the demon who lets the rest of Canada treat Quebec as a nation. I am the demon who doesn't follow the political science curriculum. I am leader of the unnatural governing party.

What can you do with these people?

So I have a dilemma. Should I pull the trigger and let my Hon. friend flame out, at which point the Puffins will have a new leader in December? Or should I prorogue until after the US election, and come up with a modest recovery budget for poor old Ontario and Quebec, and see if we can go till October 2009?

Clearly Senator Smith and Bobama Rae's brother want Monsieur Clarté out of the leadership, and they certainly would vote with the Kneedippers against our righteous Tory government, but they can't bring us down without the Bloc, and the Bloc are down in Quebec. Why would Gilles want to go to the polls?

Conversely, Carney says we're in good shape. The US economy is not as bad as people thought, in spite of what Darth Turncoat is preaching.

The universe is unfolding as it should. The polls are showing the Puffin vote is starting to evaporate in the Maritimes, and seriously softening in 416 Trawna.

So I'm baffled by all the Puffin bravado. An election sure would clean the Puffin nest, but it could very well give us a majority.

So what would you do, Dear Diary?

God Bless Canada.

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Puffin Poster by Canadian Union of Satiric Photoshoppers, after Thomas Eckersley

Bobama Rae Spouts Off

"There's no good faith on the part of the Prime Minister. He's running ads now, with people talking about how they're going to be voting for Stephen Harper, yadda yadda yadda," Liberal MP Bob Rae told CTV Newsnet. "The election campaign, in some sense, has already started."

With Bobama, it never ends. ZZZZZZzzzzzzz.....

Showdown at Sussex Drive

Well today's the day I have to drive down from the lake to meet Backpack Boy. Ugh. The guy was posturing about meeting the 9th instead of the 8th, and now he wants to meet today, on the nicest weekend of the summer. What a bummer.

I'm going to put it to him that if he wants to stay on as leader until October 2009, and hold off Rae and Ignatieff, I'll make it as easy as possible. All he has to do, in the words of the Rt. Hon. Person Who Should Not Be Named, is keep on his "best shit-eating grin" for another twelve months.

We can work this out. He and Baird and Liz May's new guy can together develop a new non-partisan climate change/global cooling program for Canadians, and we'll put it into a Speech from the Throne.

In a weakening economic climate, this is not the time for posturing. This is the time for helping all Canadians.

Now I've got Mackenzie King's real crystal ball in my office, with a fake duplicate now at Laurier House (made for me by some Turks west of Ankara), I'll have a much better handle on these Puffins, particularly the bozos in the 416 area.

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Pix: CP. Is that the best you can do, guys?

Birthday Blog - King's Crystal Ball

I can hardly believe it's one year since I first put pen to paper here on the Internet.

Anyway, I must tell you about a spirituality session we had at Harrington Lake this week. Josée Verner borrowed Mackenzie King's actual crystal ball from Laurier House, and we tried to channel the old guy to see if we could learn the secret of his longevity.

We got him right away, and he looked a bit annoyed, as if we had got him up from his nap with Pat. All he would say is, "Why should I tell you anything? But I can tell you Bennett and I both agreed, that the way to govern Canada is to ....." And then the signal started to crackle and the ball filled with smoke and then faded out. Laureen flipped on the lights just in time. I later learned from the Mountie it was something about those damn Bell beavers chewing the land line. So much for superstition.

Anyway, back to business. I want to say, Dear Diary, that you'll be looking at a lot of changes around here over the next twelve months. Guy Giorno is an intensely focused guy, and he thinks we have a shot at taking 416. People are getting tired of being so politically correct and twentieth century. They're getting used to me, and, ahem, they like what they see.

We're not quite sure what to do with the so-called Ethics Committee, who seem determined to do the same old, same old. But it's starting to look a lot like the same old demonization by association of Yours Truly, Teflon Steve. Boring, and it's all before the courts anyway. It's the CPAC afternoon soap opera for folks who like that sort of thing.

In other news, that Robert Thibozo sure is pathetic, n'est-ce pas?

Diary, today we decided to try Mackenzie King's crystal ball again, in the daylight, in an intimate PMO strategy session, and it was the strangest thing. From the depths of the cloudy ball we heard an deep eery voice, sounding somewhat like the Rt. Hon. Person Who Must Not Be Named, telling us the following:

1) There will be no election before its time. The Puffins can't afford one, even with their $18 million line of credit. Senator Smith and John Rae are biting the bullet and this minority government is going the course.

2) I asked the Voice, shouldn't we have prorogation and a Speech From the Throne? But the voice said, listen to what Guy is saying, why bother if you don't have to? And let's not give away the election platform, right?

3) The Voice predicted a boring session with lots of bills and committee work. He said, don't sweat the large stuff. The Puffins and their friends in the Press Corps will be obsessed with the US election and won't give you too much trouble. Ignore the so called Ethics Committee, as I am doing.

4) The Voice then said beware Bobama Rae, who will try to paint you as a friend of McCain. Don't respond, he said, at which point my eyelids started drooping and I fell asleep Zzzzzzz

When I woke up I was back at Harrington Lake and Laureen was calling me for supper.

I certainly feel refreshed, and though we experienced a lot of global cooling this summer, things are hotting up again at Blogwarts Academy....

The Book of Obama

By Gerard Baker, The Times of London July 25, 2008

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He ventured forth to bring light to the world

The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers

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And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the

Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

The First Doper to Lead the Free World?

"I had learned not to care. I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though."

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Unlike Clinton, he claims to have inhaled.

More Obama Hypnopolitics

He is already president in his own mind. According to the New York Times, "It is emblazoned with a fierce-looking eagle clutching an olive branch in one claw and arrows in the other and is deliberately reminiscent of the official seal of the president of the United States. Around the top border are the words “Obama for America;” across the bottom is the campaign’s Web address."

Our research team has found several commentators swear the seal was designed by Shep Fairey, who did the "Progress" poster and also hides his devil's pentangle in most of his "drink the Obama Kool Aid" works. Weird stuff.

Harpernomics For Socialists #5 - The New Puffin Sin Tax

Would you trust these little green gnomes who are out to s____ you?

In this edition of Harpernomics For Socialists™, I want to take on the whole phenomenon of sin taxes on carbon, and the Green Shaft proposed by the Puffin Party of Canada.

Forgetting for a moment the fact that the jury is still out and the science not settled on the causes of climate change aka global warming, the new Puffin Sin Tax on Carbon contains a lot of hidden agendas:

1) It is a way of increasing the price of energy, so the Americans have to pay more for our energy.
2) It is a way of raising money for social engineering run by bureaucrats. You pay the tax, but you don't necessarily get it back, as claimed. Much will be used for BackPack Boy's Anti-Poverty Crusade and other new programs.
3) It is a way for the Puffins to appear decisive.
4) It is a way of driving the pump price higher.

Here are the fatal flaws in the system:

1) It puts Canadian companies at a disadvantage against other countries with less onerous taxes. Countries that don't have the tax will do better than us.
2) It effectively subsidizes China, which has just passed the US as the World's major polluter.
2) Corporate taxation is stupid, because the tax is almost always passed on to the customer.
3) Green Shift is just a juggling act.
4) It is just more "we're the good guys" stuff from Bobama Rae. Yawn. ZZZZZZZZ

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Seriously, the Puffins don't want an election, they want to buy time until their next (leadership) convention in December.

More Hot Air From the Obamessiah

"I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal … . This was the moment – this was the time – when we came together to remake this great nation."

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Now I know the Puffins are searching for their own Obama figure - Bobama Rae just doesn't cut it. But really, is there anybody besides the Justin Child who could spout this kind of claptrap and get away with it?

Stephen Harper Caught With Biker Chick

Liberal MP Ujjal Dosanjh is making a brave efort to keep this potboiler steaming with his bozo quip that "half the government has been dating or sleeping with Ms. Couillard."

I just want to say that I've got my own personal biker chick and I'm her Heaven's Angel.

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Pix: Caught by Fred Chartrand, Canadian Press

JulieGate and The Dream Team

Things are winding down at BlogWarts Castle. The Royal Canadian Horsemen are clamming up in front of the committee, and they will get nowhere. Even the appearance of the lovely Julie will do little to dispel the Puffin gloom.

Our Send Them Darth Turncoat plan is working far better than expected, and there is total carbon tax confusion in the Puffin ranks.

The real interest is of course south of the border, where the Obama brat is spinning out of control. I'm looking for a union of the two great old parties to carry the day! Here's the big ticket - McCain and Hillary, buddies for ever.

I know who I'd choose as my running mate.

We Really Should Prorogue

I've said this before, but let's face it, we're all exhausted. You guys from your desperate demonizing of moi, Teflon Steve, us from having to put up with your endless Puffin Party of Canada flyovers and droppings.

Time to do a little gardening, fight off black flies at the cottage, take Kyoto for a walk, apologize to Julie (and then never have anything more to do with her), watch a little Sesame Street with Bobama Rae.

Besides, nobody wants an election, right, even though the major Puffins are spinning that they do?

And everybody's watching the freak show south of the border, us with horror, you with adulation. All you hypnotized Dem-wannabe lefties would much rather drink the Obama Kool Aid, right?

So let's hit the reset button, and Make a Fresh Start for Canadians!™

Yes We Can.

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PS: I see the buzz is already out on Sparks Street. Maybe I'll announce it this week.

Just Ask Justin

There's always some chuckling around the office when I tell the staff that the only hope for the Puffin Party of Canada is for them to select an Obama saviour type figure for the leadership instead of tired old Harvard academics, Toronto Maple Leaf managers or NDP premiers. Yes I'm talking about Justin True-Doh.

I'm grateful to Liz Thompson of the Gazette for pointing out that the Justin Child now has his own political lonelyhearts column, where he answers questions like this one from eager young followers:

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Even though many doubt that aliens exist, do you feel that any consideration should be give to the idea that extraterrestrials do exist? Mainly in the way of rights and protections should they exist/appear, or do you believe that the Charter of Rights and Freedoms would still cover non-earth humanoids? Is the Charter of Rights and Freedoms inclusive/applicable in such a case? Kimberley

First of all, I’m always bemused by the fact that people think that we humans would be interesting enough in the grand scheme of the universe that alien life forms, if they existed, would even be bothered to come visit this little blue-green planet in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy.

However, if they did come, and managed to wend their way through our increasingly dysfunctional immigration system and become Canadians, then yes, the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms would apply to them, as it does to all Canadian citizens, regardless of the country (or planet) of their birth. Which is something that the Harper Administration would do well to remember, particularly in regards to Omar Khadr (although for the record, he was born in Toronto).

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Nice to see the young pup has a sense of humour, he's really good at saying nothing with style, he's a direct descendant of Mary Magdalene (see here), he's got a wife who's smarter than he is (as I do) and yes, he'd be a great rock star politician like Obama. So Puffins, before it's too late, I urge you to reconsider your headlong rush to crown Count Ignatula or Bobama Rae.

Bring on the Justin Child!

Jaysus H. Obama

Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle shows the effects of years of dope smoking as a young man:

"Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul."

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Meanwhile on Capital Hill, Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.), son of the one-time presidential contender, said Obama’s victory overwhelmed him.

“I cried all night. I’m going to be crying for the next four years,” he said. “What Barack Obama has accomplished is the single most extraordinary event that has occurred in the 232 years of the nation’s political history. ... The event itself is so extraordinary that another chapter could be added to the Bible to chronicle its significance.”

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(Hey, don't forget the $35 million donation from George Soros - Ed.)

Who Will Carry Saint Barack Hussein Obama's Lily White Robes?

From the June 5 Late Show with David Letterman, the "Top Ten Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application."

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10. "How much experience do you have doing nothing?"
9. "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"
8. "Will you help your oil company buddies achieve record profits by screwing consumers?"
7. "How many friends do you have on Facebook?"
6. "Can your charisma and vitality match the high standard set by Dick Cheney?"
5. "Why the hell was Billy Crystal on Letterman talking about 'Soap the Complete Series' now available on DVD?"
4. "Do you think the Yankees should move Joba back to bullpen?"
3. "Any idea what happened on the season finale of 'Lost'?"
2. "Ever slept with Barbara Walters?"
1. "By any chance do you know where Osama bin Laden is?"

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Source: cbs.com

NAFTAGate Bob Rears His Ugly Head

I told you it was going to get boring from here on in.

You may remember a slight problem a few months ago when representatives of a certain US candidate (OK, B.H. Obama) told certain Canadian trade officials, "Don't worry, he's not serious when he talks about scrapping NAFTA. He's just pandering for blue collar votes."

At the time, it made perfect sense to me, and I believe we all said, "OK by us. Hey, that's politics." We knew the American media would understand.

Well OK, but fast forward to today, another slow news day. The boys and girls at CP are repeating Bobama Rae's tiresome contention that "Prime Minister Stephen Harper will have some fences to mend in Washington should Barack Obama win the presidency."

Quips Bobama, (showing off a deep intellect weaned on Trivial Pursuit and fifties TV shows): "If Senator Obama wins in November, Mr. Harper — to use the classic words of Desi Arnaz — is going to have some explaining to do."

I beg your pardon, but, if could be unparliamentary for a moment Bob, you can KMA. The candidate is going to have some 'splaining to do when all those blue collar voters ask what happened to his promise to renegotiate NAFTA. Just like Jean Chrétien and Paul Martin had some 'splaining to do when they decided to keep the terrible Mulroney GST.

In a further pathetic attempt at spin, Bobama says "we've got a crisis in our relationship with the Democratic party because of the fact we’ve got a Republican farm team operating in Ottawa."

ZZZZZZZZ.

Bobama continues, stomping on his George Bush doll: "The prime minister has always denied interfering in the Democratic race or secretly favouring the Republicans, who are ideologically more compatible with Harper’s Conservatives."

Yawn. I can hardly stay awake.

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Pix: 2005 Liberal Leadership Convention Souvenir

Growing up in Hell's Country

Julie Couillard denies being anything so common as a "biker chick." But a quick glance at this timeline of her life over the past ten years, pulled together by our crack investigative team, shows something more, a young woman who grew up as a biker princess, surrounded by the toughest and the baddest of Québec's bad guys.

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1990s - In her early twenties, Julie goes out for a time with mobster Tony Volpato, 20 years her senior, and a good friend of Frank Cotroni, head of the Montréal calabrian clan. Volpato was later linked to the Sicilian godfather, Vito Rizzuto. At the time Julie went out with Volpato, he was being investigated for trafficking illegal cigarettes from Kahnawake. In 1997, Volpato was sentenced to 6 years in penitentiary for importing 180 kg of cocaine. He was freed after only one year in jail, which infuriated then justice critic for the Reform Party, John Reynolds, who brought his name up in the Commons. In 2001, Volpato was back behind bars for violating the terms of his parole, and consorting with known criminals.

1990s - After breaking with Volpato, Julie takes up with Gilles "The Indian" Giguère, enforcer and right arm of notorious loan shark Robert "Bob" Savard, and a close associate of Maurice "Mom" Boucher, boss of the Hells Angels. Giguère also dealt dope and firearms. As Julie later recalled, "I was 22 years old when I met Gilles. We were together for four years. I was so naïve! I knew he knew people who knew bikers, but I didn’t take the bikers seriously. To me, they were tough guys who rode motorcycles. The real criminals were the mafia, the Italians."

1995 December 19 - She is arrested along with her father Marcel Couillard, her common law husband Gilles Giguère, lawyer Gilles Daudelin and two others by the Carcajou (Wolverine) Squad, an elite anti-biker force composed of RCMP, Sûreté du Québec, and municipal police forces. The charge is suspicion of being involved in an extortion and murder conspiracy against a Montréal real estate agent. She is taken to the SQ headquarters and grilled for 18 hours straight. She is then freed without further charges.

1996 - She appears featured in Quebec's lurid crime tabloid, Allô Police, under the headline, “Arrested in the bedroom! The spouse of the mobster Gilles Giguère... The actress Julie Couillard condemns the Carcajou!”

1996 February - The case against her husband Gilles Giguère collapses for lack of evidence. But he is also facing another criminal trial for possession of four submachine guns and 70 pounds of hashish. He agrees to start giving evidence to the police.

1996 April - A week before she and Gilles Giguère plan to marry, and before his trial is to start Giguère is found dead in a flooded ditch next to a road in L'Épiphanie, east of Montréal, shot several times in the head. Julie later says Giguère was the one true love of her life, and with all the men that followed, “the bar was so high, no man made the grade.”

1997 - She marries Stéphane Sirois, a member of the Rockers de Montréal, the warrior clan of the Hells Angels Nomads. Sirois was part of the Rockers "baseball team" – a violent group of thugs who intimidated rivals with baseball bats and smashed up bars that refused to allow the gang to deal drugs. Sirois later testifies that when Mom Boucher heard of his relationship with Julie, he told Sirois to choose between the Hells or Julie, because he didn't trust her. “He thought it was her who pushed Giguère to work with the police, that she worked with police. There were suspicions floating around,” Sirois testified. He later added that, “The exact words said by Maurice Boucher were that at one point the suspicions were so high that there was a contract on her too. She was going to get it. She came close to getting it.” He testified that after they married he confided to Julie about Boucher's suspicions. She was worried and asked Bob Savard about it. Savard told her to stay clean and she would be OK.

1998 - Her father Marcel Couillard is charged under the federal Controlled Drugs and Substances Act with producing and trafficking marijuana.

1999 - She breaks up with Stéphane Sirois, who had become depressed due to the stress he was under and the debts he owed to Mom Boucher and the Rockers.

1999 June - Stéphane Sirois signs a contract to work for the SQ and get back into the good graces of the Rockers by offering them his services as a drug dealer. He disappears into the Witness Protection Program. His evidence will later bring down Mom Boucher.

1999 - She fails several times to pay the mortgage on a house that she had bought in 1998 while she was with Sirois. The Laurentian Bank gets a court ruling repossessing the house because she owed $103,000. The bank cited Sirois as a third party in the case, but couldn't find him since he was in the witness protection program. She is also taken to small claims court by the lawyer who handled her divorce, for failing to pay the $839 fee.

2000 July - Loan shark Bob Savard is killed gangland style in a Montreal restaurant.

2001 - Her father Marcel Couillard pleads guilty to the production of marijuana (the grow-op he operated for for Sirois). The trafficking charge is dropped.

2002 - Julie Couillard files for bankruptcy. She acquires a work permit from the Québec's actors' union, the Union des Artistes, to work at scale, describing herself as an actress and model.

2004 - She moves with another bad guy, Robert Pépin, then being charged with theft of cargo. Apparently Pépin was a million dollars in debt to the Hells. Pépin starts l'Agence d'investigation et de sécurité D.R.P.,and she is VP and a shareholder. They ask to bid on an airport contract with l'Administration canadienne de la sûreté du transport aérien (ACSTA) regarding access to restricted zones, using biometrics. They are not considered. The company is later brought before l'Office de la protection du consommateur for charging usurious rates of interest.

2004 - She registers Casting Cinq Étoiles, aka Five Star Casting Canada and Five Star Casting International, a talent agency to recruit extras for films, television and other media.

2005 - She breaks with Robert Pépin.

2005 Feb. - She incorporates Itek Solutions globales, a security company. She is president. It is still in operation.

2006 December - Casting Cinq Étoiles is declared officially inactive.

2007 February 1 - The Quebec government awards the D.R.P. Investigation and Security Agency a $167,000 contract for prisoner escort services.

2007 March - Couillard donates $1,000 to l’association conservatrice de Châteauguay–Saint-Constant. She is being considered as a potential candidate.

2007 April - She becomes a registered real-estate agent, claiming to be listed with Kevlar Real Estate Investments. Kevlar denies that she is now or ever was an employee.

2007 May 20 - Pépin is summoned to appear before l'Autorité des marchés financiers (AMF); three days later he commits suicide by hanging in his Laval office.

2007 April - Couillard starts dating Maxime Bernier.

2007 August 9 - A Montreal judge orders her to pay $1,210 in overdue legal fees for another law firm whose services she had engaged in a commercial dispute.

2007 December - She ends the relationship with Max Bernier, before his parents come over to her house for the holidays. "I fell in love with a dream," she tells the media, "but the dream never materialized."

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So Julie Couillard is either a very brave or a very foolish woman. Draw your own conclusions my friends.

Mine is that all Canadians have to be vigilant about organized crime. And those who are involved with organized crime, even on the periphery, should get out of it before it is too late.

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Pix: Quebecor Media Inc.

Susan Delacarte's Word of the Week is "Stubborn"

Torostar journo-nanny Susan Delacarte has a new word, and it is "Stubborn." We're adding it to the thesaurus, just after "Sleazy."

Clearly demonstrating that she too has drunk the Obama Kool-Aid, she is lumping yours truly and poor Hillary Clintstone into the same stubborn basket.

Maybe Susan is going through the alphabet in an effort to sell the space that goes in between the ads. What's next week, "Taciturn," "Troubling"? How about, "Tiresome'?

CTV Spin Reversal

I'm BACK, and really looking forward to feeding the zoo animals during Question Period. To save you the trouble, here are the answers.
1) Maxime Bernier took the honourable course and resigned. No he is not leaving to take over the reins at Vachon cakes.
2) OK, I admit it, we made a mistake made during a press briefing over Italian participation in the war in Afghanistan. There may be other mistakes in future. After all, we are only human.
3) No, the Member for Halton, Ontario, is not a Conservative plant in the Puffin caucus.

In other news, Sandra pointed out an hilarious spin reversal by CTV yesterday:




And here's another one from last year.





My heart goes out the the editor who caught these gaffes. Can you see, dear diary, why we have to be so careful with the boys and girls toiling for Canada's mainstream media? Mister Dithers never got this kind of consideration.

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Pix: Steve Janke and SDA.