Thursday, March 27, 2008

Pity for the Puffins

It is with a great deal of genuine sympathy that I note the current potentially fatal travails of the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition. I mean this sincerely.

You know the history. In his first year in the job, Monsieur Clarté surrounded himself with political theoreticians, and his office very quickly imploded. Senator Smith and John Rae had to move in, de-foul the nest, and get the bird flying again.

These old operatives quickly got under way a major poll-swaying operation, led by the usually reliable tame journos at Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network. First it was a gripping replay of the Schreiber Show, then the cunningly crafted Cadman Exhumation, then the hilarious NAFTAgate exposé.

Nothing worked.

Count Ignatula was sent door-to-door. Fundraising stalled.

The polls budged a few degrees, then slid back.

Party propagandists grew weary, and yearned for a Canadian Obama. But Backpack Boy stubbornly refused to fall on his sword.

So what to do? I've been wracking my brains over this one, but have finally figured out the plan.....

The obvious near-term answer? Bite the bullet, stay in the House for a non-confidence motion, fight an election, and get Backpack Boy defeated.

But it's getting a little late in the day for that, and besides, there is no money to fight an election. Even if there were, Smith and Rae are clearly terrified at the prospect of losing 30 or 40 more seats to moi, Teflon Steve.

I'm convinced, Dear Diary, that Senator Smith and John Rae have come to the conclusion that the best course of action is a leadership convention about 5 months before October 2009, the fixed date for the next federal election. So Stéphane stays in harness, gradually fading into the woodwork as the journos get increasingly obsessed with the US election, then quietly resigns in about January 2009.

At the same time Smith and Rae are working flat out to manufacture a tight three way race among Gerry F. Kennedy, Bobama Rae and Count Ignatula, with Martha Hall Monitor and maybe Liza Frulla there for the ladies, and Justin TrueDoh for the youth, spouting Yes We Can Obamaisms ad nauseam, and may the best Puffin win.

Of course, the excitement generated by this convention - held in Toronto in about May 2009 - will be so profund that the journalists will be wetting themselves with relief, money will again flow, and the Puffins, so the theory goes, will win the next election in a walk.

Hey it might work, but don't quote me...
Dion Pix: Fred Chartrand, CP