The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: Pity for the Puffins

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Pity for the Puffins

It is with a great deal of genuine sympathy that I note the current potentially fatal travails of the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition. I mean this sincerely.

You know the history. In his first year in the job, Monsieur Clarté surrounded himself with political theoreticians, and his office very quickly imploded. Senator Smith and John Rae had to move in, de-foul the nest, and get the bird flying again.

These old operatives quickly got under way a major poll-swaying operation, led by the usually reliable tame journos at Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network. First it was a gripping replay of the Schreiber Show, then the cunningly crafted Cadman Exhumation, then the hilarious NAFTAgate exposé.

Nothing worked.

Count Ignatula was sent door-to-door. Fundraising stalled.

The polls budged a few degrees, then slid back.

Party propagandists grew weary, and yearned for a Canadian Obama. But Backpack Boy stubbornly refused to fall on his sword.

So what to do? I've been wracking my brains over this one, but have finally figured out the plan.....

The obvious near-term answer? Bite the bullet, stay in the House for a non-confidence motion, fight an election, and get Backpack Boy defeated.

But it's getting a little late in the day for that, and besides, there is no money to fight an election. Even if there were, Smith and Rae are clearly terrified at the prospect of losing 30 or 40 more seats to moi, Teflon Steve.

I'm convinced, Dear Diary, that Senator Smith and John Rae have come to the conclusion that the best course of action is a leadership convention about 5 months before October 2009, the fixed date for the next federal election. So Stéphane stays in harness, gradually fading into the woodwork as the journos get increasingly obsessed with the US election, then quietly resigns in about January 2009.

At the same time Smith and Rae are working flat out to manufacture a tight three way race among Gerry F. Kennedy, Bobama Rae and Count Ignatula, with Martha Hall Monitor and maybe Liza Frulla there for the ladies, and Justin TrueDoh for the youth, spouting Yes We Can Obamaisms ad nauseam, and may the best Puffin win.

Of course, the excitement generated by this convention - held in Toronto in about May 2009 - will be so profund that the journalists will be wetting themselves with relief, money will again flow, and the Puffins, so the theory goes, will win the next election in a walk.

Hey it might work, but don't quote me...

Dion Pix: Fred Chartrand, CP

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)