Sunday, November 30, 2008

Jack and Gilles Went Up the Hill

All this talk of Jack and Gilles talking coalition is really hilarious.

The problem is, Gilles fears that the Québec branch of the Nouveau Parti dopiste (N.P.D.), led by the charming soft-spoken Mulcair, is trying to chip away at his left wing. So he did a sharp turn left in the last election to hold them off. If he's talking to Jack, it's to find out what the hell he is thinking under that shiny dome.

Grrr. Maudites socialistes.
Peter McCabe, CP

Friday, November 28, 2008

Harpernomics for Socialists #10 - Taking the Liquidity Valium

OK everybody, take a deep breath, and THINK hard.

Everybody's asking me why I engineered this sideshow. The answer is that we need leverage. We need support from all you guys, to meet this economic crisis. And the last thing Jim Flaherty, the MP for Oshawa, needs is MORE BS about the auto industry. He says we've got to hang in there. Like you, he's waiting for my new friend Obama to heal the planet, stop the rise of the oceans and save the UAW. Apparently this will all happen December 8.

Jack: No more whining about eliminating corporate tax cuts. You want them restored? Let's get real. Think of your Red Tory roots before you act. You know the Puffins will eventually slit your throat if you give them half a chance.

Gilles: Let's make a deal on forestry and infrastructure, and maybe we'll take another look at sending all your aging rock gods and téléroman artistes to Cuba, once a year, or even permanently. No not Guantanamo, although this has crossed my mind.

Honorable Stéphane: Believe it or not, but I don't want you to make any mistakes by going to the altar with the wrong party. But please, no more committee games and demonization, and maybe I'll drop the court case and save us all a few bucks. Want to boost the party donation maximum to $5,000? I could send some of our guys to teach some of your guys how to fundraise. Anything to help you out, capiche?

So people, don't mess with our mandate, as imperfect as it is. You know in your hearts this coalition can't last, and I urge you to stick with the Reality Party of Canada for the moment. At least you'll know where you stand. Out.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Journalists Hunt For New Adjectives

The world's second oldest profession is really scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to find creative new adjectives to describe the current economic mess. The Obama benediction got them all riled up, and now they want to keep the Big Mo going.

My favourites: "grim", "apocalyptic", and "the big D". I'm kind of partial for "Rooseveltian" myself.

Ongoing.... for another six months or so...

Justin Time

The Justin Child has just given his maiden speech in the Commons and I'm sorry I missed it. Jetting around the world, you know, trying to patch the hot air balloon of global credit.

Can you believe it? The young PET pup spoke not on helping other people around the world, not on justice, not on his blessed father, not even on his grail quest, but on THE ECONOMY. Hilarious.

Note he's driving home the Puffin spin, and demonizing Yours Truly for driving Canada into deficit, blah blah, blah, when what we did was restore to Canadian taxpayers, through GST cuts, a mountain of surplus amassed by Mister Dithers. Apparently our actions were not "socially responsible." ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

Looks like a repeat of the last session, if the Puffins keep up this BS.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Has Bobama Been Botoxed?

A number of commentators have remarked on Bobama's fresh youthful appearance, especially during his press conference, while Tag Team Twin Count Ignatula is looking like a moth eaten senior statesman and Dominic Leblanc like a grad student.

Looks like a pretty fresh job too, especially around the eyes and mouth. Possible signs of a well-done face lift too. (Flash: I've just been informed it's either a face peel or maybe some vitamin B injection.)

Clearly the man and his brother are obsessed with making him Prime Minister, and restoring the Puffins to their natural governing state.

It's true cosmetic surgery can cover up a lot of sins. And all those worry lines he got when he was The Worst Premier in Ontario History™. But if he keeps this up he'll look more and more like Cat Woman.

Ah hell, it's all PR anyway, right? And if it's good enough for Joe Biden, it's good enough for Bobama.
Pix:Bobama the Mentalist Ponders his Answer to the CAW Bailout, by Reuters

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A New Somber Mood of Reality

My friends, I hope you liked the low-key speech, and the reaction afterwards. A few salient points:

1) Jack and Gilles went up the Hill, and did what they had to do, and it makes the Puffins look like pussies, keeping us in power.
2) Prentice will be carrying the heavy load - water and gas, and he will do it well.
3) We're framing this session as a roll up your sleeves one, and all whiners and demonizers will be dealt with severely by the new compliant press corps, forced to find new verbs and adjectives to describe the doom and gloom that pervades our markets.
4) Now that Thibo has gone, the so-called ethics committee should become less partisan, right?
5) Who's the biggest polluter in Canada? A certain provincial hydro monster that was forced to burn more coal because Bobama Rae nixed nuclear plants. I rest my case.
5) I look forward to echanger les barbes with the jeune prince Justin. This should be fun.

My friends, this is no time for political bickering and partisan backbiting. This is the time to work together to help working Canadians, and as my good friend Obama said, "heal the planet." Yes we can. God Bless Canada.
Somber Pix: Adrian Wyld, CP

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Welcome Back to Blogwarts, Chaps

I see the Tag Team Twins have been seated next to each other, right across the aisle. Is this to make me cross-eyed? Did Ignatula just fart or something?

Apparently the two Lester Pearson Liberals are running against each other. Don't believe it for a minute, mes amis.

It appears Bobama Rae is going to be playing the bad cop role, Count Ignatula the good guy. Both will continue to demonize me in their own special ways. But I'm ready for it.

My strong suit will continue to be economics, of course. Bobama ran Ontario into the ground, and we're still feeling the effects - not enough doctors, not enough nuclear power (both nixed by Bobama). The Count has not run anything larger than a graduate seminar, although I hear he has a good PR agent for a wife.

It's going to be an incredibly boring six months until the Puffin convention. Please bear with me my friends as we are subjected to an endless series of symbolic stunts - Bobama walking out of a candidates meeting because he is an open and transparent guy was the first one. I nearly feel off my chair laughing. Who dreamed that one up, Gerry F. Kennedy?

Enjoy the speech. Yes we have to rescue GM. But it goes against every fibre of my being.
Pix:Chris Wattie, Reuters

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Sour Grapes?

Angry right wing Fox News commentator Ann Coulter is still feeling cranky about Obama's victory, as I am:

"For now, we have a new president-elect. In the spirit of reaching across the aisle, we owe it to the Democrats to show their president the exact same kind of respect and loyalty that they have shown our recent Republican president."

Oh, no. Not more conflict. Why can't we all love each other as the dear Leader wants us to?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Well, I Lost

In spite of my last minute entry into the race, replacing John McCain, the American people obeyed the Messiah and went to the polls in record numbers to do their duty, as they had been taught to do by Lord Barry.

God Help America, and if I hear some TV commentator utter the word "historic" again, I'm going to get hysterical. The Reality Party of Canada is historic. These guys are antediluvian.

If I may address the people of the United States personally: "You Americans had a chance to elect me, and impose the Canadian banking system on the US, and you blew it. You've opted for Barry's "redistributive change", so good luck to you all."

Now the hard part begins as the heir to Jimmy Carter attempts to teach Americans about "relationships built on self-interest". I guess that's Washington in a nutshell.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Montrealers Nail Sarah Palin

Montreal CKOI DJs Marc-Antoine Audette and Sebastien Trudel, the "Masked Avengers," nail another politician to the wall, although clearly this one is a good sport.

Previous victims include the Queen, Britney Spears, Bill Gates and Sarkozy himself (who accepted a call from another Fake Stephen Harper (not the REAL one!).

Obama's Defence Naiveté?

More policy clarification from the Dear Leader.

Sorry, but this gives me the creeps.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Barack Chavez?

It seems His Holiness is now saying that

"We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set.... We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well funded."

Sounds just like Cesar Chavez, idol of Obama's old buddy Bill Ayers.