Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The New Puffinomics

This is really "troubling", even "worrisome", if I may use some tired old words from the Susan Delacarte Thesaurus.

The Puffins have discovered economics.

Apparently, our Send Them Garth Turner Plan is working like a charm. The Puffins have decided to abandon Kyoto, and stop demonizing moi, Teflon Steve, cause it ain't working - the people aren't buying it. Maybe Keith Booger buys it, or one of Mike Duffy's Minimes, or the odd energetic Macleans blogger, or the journalism majors now forced to blog for a living. Everybody else finds this a total yawn.

Yes, get ready for The New Puffinomics - from the party that brought you SponsorAdScamGate.

I am told that from now until the leadership convention in May 2009, the New Puffins will be concentrating on building their economics platform, and claiming they know more about the subject than moi. Yeah sure.

Spin One: Get Canadians to buy into Count Ignatula's "revenue neutral" Carbon Tax, which Bobama Rae will oppose to give the public and journos some sense of fake rivalry between the two old buddies.

Spin Two: Get Canadians to "invest in infrastructure" - in Puffinspeak, this means, essentially, "give more tax dollars to McGuilty so he can hire his friends to fill potholes and replace rusty culverts".

Keep on Puffin.

Obamamama Again

“Obama will require you to work. He is going to demand that you shed your cynicism. That you put down your divisions. That you come out of your isolation, that you move out of your comfort zones. That you push yourselves to be better. And that you engage. Barack will never allow you to go back to your lives as usual, uninvolved, uninformed.”

Jeez if Laureen talked like this I'd tell her to go jump in Harrington Lake with her clothes on. Yet this nutbar stuff is actually being taken seriously by the chattering classes on both sides of the border.

Yet, strangely, I can see the tag team of Count Ignatula and Bobama Rae saying the same thing to Canadians.....

With the Puffins desperately trying to clone the Obama playbook, I can tell you one thing, Dear Diary, the next election is going to be hilarious.

Bring on the Justin Child.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Whoops, Hold the Election

Having spent endless months trying desperately to demonize moi, Teflon Steve, the New Puffin Party of Canada - owners of the "We're the Nice Guys" brand* - is once again back under a cloud, courtesy the Royal Canadian Horsemen.

Apparently the authorities want to go "higher up" in the Puffin hierarchy in their search for the truth - i.e. where did all that taxpayer money go? In that matter I have insisted that our Office "take the high road". That means no more joking about bank accounts in Central America and the like. Keep your sticks on the ice, please. That's an order.

How high can they go? It's getting so bad that even "modern-day Machiavelli" and Chrétien linguistic prognosticator Warren Kinsella, exiled in Toronto but desperate to get back into the national game, is giving FREE advice to the Puffins in the form of media talking points:

- "We’'ve said it before and we’ll say it again: if someone broke the law, they should go to jail." Check. Stay on message, whatever.
- "The RCMP are professionals – they are not people who engage in “stunts” or threatening behaviour – and we will cooperate with them fully, like we have in the past." Check.• Don't flip them the bird, whatever you do.
- "The Liberal Party knows very well the importance of transparency and ethicality. Canadians deserve that, and will get that from the new Liberal team." Check. Yep, Change You Can Believe in.

Check, Warren. This is rad. Like, rage against the machine. Well done. That ought to keep the journos off the case and happily quaffing back the suds at D'Arcy McGee's.
Cartoon: Graeme Mackay
*©Bobama Rae

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Congratulations to Chantal Hébert!

At last, some sense and sensibility emanating from the bowels of Torostar. (Maybe because she stays away from Toronto-Ed.)

In today's column, Much is at Stake for Elections Canada, Mme. Hébert points out that "If it turns out that the Conservatives did break the election rules in 2006, there will undoubtedly be a political price for the party to pay but in the end, a lost battle over its past campaign spending will not destroy it."

Well that's a relief.

But here's the rub. IF, she says, "it should turn out that Elections Canada overplayed its hand, the cost to its institutional reputation could be prohibitive. A failure to make a persuasive case against the Conservatives would bolster allegations that vindictiveness played a part in its approach. It might never totally recover from the loss of confidence that would ensue."...

"... in this affair, its moral authority is on the line.

"By calling in the RCMP to assist them in executing a warrant against the governing party, election officials had to know that they were hanging the Conservatives out to dry, creating a perception of guilt that will not be easily dissipated and a sense of wrongdoing that may yet not live up to the facts."

"Having forced his way into the filing cabinets of the governing party, elections commissioner William Corbett has now staked his credibility on building an airtight case."


"One way or another, having taken a very public shot at the Conservative net last week, Canada's election referee is in the awkward position of having a stake in the outcome of the next federal campaign."

More hockey metaphors. I like that. Particularly with the Calgary Flames tragically out of the running, Canada's last best hope is the Club de Hockey canadien.

PS Dear Diary, you know Elections Commissioner William Corbett as former Clerk of the House of Commons.
Pix: Corbett in his Clerk's robes, right, with Speaker Milliken, January 2001; House of Commons Photo

Monday, April 21, 2008

Who Wants to Go to War?

This is quite baffling, dear Diary. Does the Puffin Party of Canada really want to go to war over election expenses? If so, I would like to ask, did the Puffin Party of Canada use any of the $40 odd million in missing sponsorship cash to finance their campaign in the last election? Canadians want to know...

Judge Gomery was fascinated by the missing millions. "No one really knew where the money went," he mused to Radio-Canada's Céline Galipeau in an interview. "It was very satisfying to trace at least some of it." (Montreal Gazette, August 10, 2007)
Maybe some enterprising Canadian journalist can track this down.
Anyhoo, I'm escaping down the fire escape and we're off to The Big Easy to see my two amigos! So long whiners.

Apologies to All Pack Journos Who Didn't Get an Invite

Hands will be slapped.

Believe me, I know you've got a job to do - sell papers, right? - and I realize how frustrating it has been for you people, desperately searching for a Such-and-Such-Gate or a So-and-So-Scam to replace the Sponsorship Scandal. I know you all really ACHE to be the Woodsteins of your generation. But let's get real - remember the old Mister Dithers days, when the Puffins had to BEG you to write stories about their latest desperate handout or giveaway program?

Now you've got a front row seat in our battle with Elections Canada. But now's the time for responsible journalism as well. Don't forget, we're taking the bullet for the other parties.
PS: Here's a bone to chew on. The material seized by the Elections Commissioner last week cannot be used by Elections Canada to defend itself in our lawsuit against them.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Obama Assembles his Spritual Credentials

We've been thumbing through the Divine One's Mein Kampf, The Audacity of Hope, and on about page 200 he confides to us that he doesn't have any profound religious belief, but in his early Chicago days as an "activist", he really felt he needed to acquire some spiritual "street cred."

Is this like Bobama Rae's youthful foray into "democratic socialism"?

Change We Can Believe In.

PS: Here's Obama getting his "Commie cred."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Delacarte Discovers Disturbing Trend

Torostar diva and former Paul Martin insider Susan Delacarte is a pillar of the unholy trinity of the One Front Street High School Yearbook Team, the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network and the Puffin Party of Canada.
In her latest slow news day musing, Is there a Trend here?, this journo-nanny is shocked, YES SHOCKED, that righteous Conservatives such as myself should think there would ever be such a thing as collusion among these dark forces.
If I could be unparliamentary for a moment, this is simply:

So Susan, cut the crap. Nobody believes this kind of thing any more. Even you don't. Welcome to the twenty-first century.
Pix: Torostar, Saskatchewan Union of Satiric Photoshoppers
In other news, Torostar Corp. is cutting 160 jobs and taking a $21-million charge in a restructuring of its newspaper division amid continued weakness in the industry....

Liberal Media Has Telepathic Powers

Don Martin:
"The real interesting part, which has a lot of Conservative MPs in a lather, is how two camera crews magically surfaced to stake out both floors rented by the Conservative Party within minutes of the search warrant being executed.

The RCMP cruisers were unmarked, and the police scanner didn't broadcast the "visit," so unless CBC journalists are telepathic, the only plausible explanation is that they were tipped by Elections Canada."

Repeat after me, "I'm mad as hell and I won't take it any more."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

"This is BRANDING!"

This just in. Sandra pointed out that the esteemed Puffin Senator David Smith is quoted this morning as saying, "I could hardly believe it. I can't recall anything like this... This can be defining. This is branding."

Not so fast, sir, this really is unseemly near-orgiastic behaviour. My advice is, pay attention to your own flagging brand, not ours.

Anyway, heartiest congratulations to your Dirty Tricks Team, and the media tipoff was classic Grit, but please restrain yourself in future, and we'll see you in court.

Keep on Puffin.

In-And-Out-Gate a Real Yawner

Hey, this André Thouin of Elections Canada was the same guy who as a chief superintendent with the RCMP testified to Judge Gomery that Librano MP Alfonso Gagliano was the capo making decisions about sponsorship in Quebec. Small world, eh?

OK, Thouin is a diligent ex-horseman who was just doing his job, and I guess Elections Canada needed to read our emails before they met us in court because they weren't even close to making a case. But why the heavy hand, and who tipped off the journos and the Puffin Party of Canada's own hacks and camera crew? Are they doing a documentary? On moi, Teflon Steve?

My bet? the usual suspects - the Puffin Dirty Tricks Team, and close friends of the Opposition in the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network, just down the street. More as this develops....

Totally pathetic. A tip for the Puffins: "In-and-out-gate" just doesn't cut it.

Here's our statement, and I won't comment further on matters before the courts.

Speaking of court, my Puffin friends, just thank us for taking Elections Canada to court to seek clarification of a badly thought out rule. By the way, don't we have a date before the judge?
Ian, please keep me informed about the progress of this farce. I have a country to run.

This is a Local Ad

Hi, I'm Fake Stephen Harper, and I approved this local ad.

This is a National Ad

I'm Fake Stephen Harper, and I approved this ad.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Michelle Obama on Broken Souls

Come all ye that are heavily laden, and Barack will refresh you, for he is the truth and the light, says Obamamama. “Barack knows at some level there is a hole in our souls,” she says. “Barack is the only person in this race who understands that before we can work on the problems as a nation, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation.” Here endeth the lesson.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Bobama Rae Will Free You if You Only Believe

Silly Serpents awake! Bobama Rae is back in the Promised Land of Ottawa and he doesn't like what he sees. Things used to be real swell, but now Bobama sees a place that is "more partisan, more scripted, more orchestrated."

But Bobama has a dream, you see, a dream to bring the tulips out again. On his blog he declares, "The public service in Ottawa is muzzled, afraid to speak its mind, told to toe the party line. The deep freeze in town is not just the longest winter in memory - spring will come and the tulips will emerge. But a vigorous public service able to breathe and speak its mind will have to wait for political change."

The groundhog Bobama has spoken, five more years of winter unless we believe. No Stanley Cup either.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Obama and Ignatula - Rulers of North America!

Wow, who's this foxy academic sitting on her soapbox?

Why it's Iggy's soulmate Samantha Power, musing about her vision of a sophisticated Harvard-educated dynasty of Puffins and Bamas ruling the whole of North America.

This time the ex Obama advisor told an Ottawa Citizen reporter that the Count may have been beaten once for the leadership, but don't count him out.

"I think you have not heard the last of Ignatieff... That was just a first foray. He's just getting, from my talks with him, more and more sophisticated."

Two minutes later, Samantha realized she had put her foot in it again. She panicked, and called the reporter back:

"To say we haven't heard the last of Ignatieff, I think, is perfectly fine," she said. "To say 'an Ignatieff-Barack continent' is probably pretty stupid and not all that helpful on my part."

Not at all stupid, Ms. Power. Your frankness is charming. How refreshing to see what you and Mikey are really talking about in your sophisticated late-night conversations. And I'm delighted to see you continue to tell the truth when talking to reporters.

Keep on Puffin.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

More Church of Obama Kool-Aid

The research office just keeps coming up with these beatific images of the new saviour south of the border.

Looks like all the time Barack was sitting listening to his pastor, the Reverend Wright, spew his 9-11 invective and AIDS nonsense he was really watching his technique in manipulating a crowd of believers.

Truly Orwellian, but I do see how it would attract desperate Puffin Party of Canada theorists. Bring on the Justin child!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

The Brand Called Bob™

According to Susan Delacarte and the high school yearbook team at Torostar, the Puffins are desperately thumbing through the Obama playbook. Particularly this article on "The Brand Called Obama."

Says Susie: "Every MP and senator who attended today's caucus session received a copy of the article. Big hint — "Obama has taken what we thought we knew about politics and turned it into a different game for a different generation."

This fits with what Liberal pollster Michael Marzolini has been telling the Grits since last year: The trick for gaining support is to reach out to the whopping 80 per cent or so of Canadians who aren't engaged with politics."

The article says, "Obama has his greatest strength among the young, roughly 18 to 29 years old, that advertisers covet, the cohort known as millennials -- who will outnumber the baby boomers by 2010. They are black, white, yellow, and various shades of brown, but what they share -- new media, online social networks, a distaste for top-down sales pitches -- connects them more than traditional barriers, such as ethnicity, divide them."

So there you have it. The Brand Called Bob™.

Bobama Rae as Mister Sunshine

We've been deconstructing Bobama Rae's earliest utterances on his blog and in the House, and guess what? The new Puffin message is clear - utter contempt for nasty uncaring unfeeling old-fashioned politicians like me, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe. Oh, and a dumbed down party message: We're the Good Guys.

Here he is blogging about his first days back in the House:

"The culture of contempt applies everywhere - question period, debates, committees - Prime Minister Harper has refused to answer any questions on the Cadman Affair, committees are stonewalled, the NDP is caught in a timewarp of class warfare and character assassination, the Bloc is fighting desperately for its survival and as a result is circling the wagons to defend the ramparts of linguistic nationalism."

(And the Puffins? - Ed)

While Obama says, "Yes We Can," Bobama takes a more Canadian approach and says "Let's Be Nice":

"Can we do something about this ? It will not be easy. Humour, spontaneity and good fellowship are always a good idea and should never be out of style."

ZZZZZZZ - I told you the next nine months were going to be totally boring.

Justin TrueDoh, where are you?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Yes, Norma Bob is Back

... after a 30 year absence, and being kind of at loose ends. He gave up his youthful fling with Marxism several years ago, and recently got a new Grit chip implant. Now he's back where he knows he belongs, in full Puffin regalia, Boss suit, muted red tie, fit to kill. And a new shtick - Bobama!
Change we can believe in, right?
Someone pointed out that we now have two sons of Lester Pearson mandarins on a totally Toronto-centric front bench. God help Canada if this gang ever get into power.
Pix: Chris Wattie, Reuters