Monday, December 31, 2007

I'm Into Deep Makeover For the Last Demographic

Hope you had a great holiday. I'll be limiting my posts over the next few weeks. In an effort to make myself more appealing to what I call The Last Demographic - Toronto women who hang on every word uttered on the People's Network, and prostrate themselves before the ideologues at the Toronto Star - I'm putting myself through a complete whole body workout and personal makeover. We might also be doing some policy tweaking.

I know I'm a bit of a geek, maybe even more so than BackPack Boy. I mean look at this picture of me as a teenager in Leaside - Yes I am a Torontonian! - and you'll see how much I've changed. I mean look at those teeth!

I must say I owe a lot to Laureen, who has a great sense of style, and she got me into more fashionable "power" neckware. I mean some of my ties I got at Eaton's Bargain Basement in 1979!! She even made me throw out my favourite - a wide rep tie with baby blue and black stripes. It probably went to Sally Ann. I know some CP journo will be wearing it at my next press conference!

A Happy and a Prosperous New Year Everybody!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Priory of Sion Plotting to Put Justin St-Clair TrueDoh on the Throne of Canada

This Just In: On December 22, in a secret conclave at the University Club in Toronto, a group of Priory of Sion and Torostar Cult officials met to fete Justin TrueDoh and set in motion their plot to install him on the Throne of Canada, replacing the Windsors.

I'm not lying when I tell you we are seriously concerned by this new development, and several of our crack Tory historians have been assembling a dossier on the case. New facts on the Priory's role in Canadian history are just now beginning to emerge.

1. The Sinclair Factor

On October 13, 1307, a bankrupt King Philippe le Bel of France (right), backed by Pope Clement in Avignon, went after the Order of the Knights Templar and their treasure to prop up his ailing monarchy and destroy the St-Clair family, pretenders to the Throne of France, who claimed to be descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene and holders of the Holy Grail. On March 19th, 1314, the last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, was roasted at the stake and his ashes thrown into the Seine.

But Philip failed to find the treasure of the Templars, for most of it had been well hidden in the Alps. As for the family and the Grail, they had been spirited away to Scotland, where Robert the Bruce, son of the Templar Crusader Robert de Brus, had secured Scottish independence from England at the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314. Rosslyn Castle near Edinburgh became home of the "Sinclair" Family.

In 1393, fearing the French had discovered the secret, Henry Sinclair, Prince of the Orkney Islands, sent a Venetian admiral, Nicolo Zeno, to carry out a survey of Greenland, in preparation for their journey to the New World.

Before embarking on what was considered a risky endeavor, Sinclair made provisions for transferring some of his lands to his brothers and eldest daughter. He then packed the Templar treasure in 12 vessels and took to sea, with Zeno navigating, and 200-300 fellow monks and fugitive Templars. They landed in Cape Breton on June 2, 1398, and Guysborough, Nova Scotia on June 12, 1398. Over that summer a special crew buried the treasure and the Holy Grail on Oak Island (above), in a booby trapped money pit.

Henry Sinclair returned home, and was cruelly killed by English invaders in 1401. But the Grail and the treasure were safe in Canada.

2. The Mont-Réal Connection

In 1534, over 100 years later, with growing Medici threats against the Templars, and a looming religious war, the order engaged St-Malo navigator Jacques Cartier, who had already crossed the Atlantic with the Portuguese Templars, and sent him west to scout for a save haven for the Order and its treasures. Cartier named the river he discovered after Saint Lawrence, the Roman martyr who was entrusted with the Holy Grail or Holy Chalice, the cup from which Jesus and the Apostles drank at the Last Supper. Cartier found the perfect location up the St. Lawrence River at a place he called "Mont-Réal", after the crusader fort in Syria (below) where the Grail was originally found by the Crusaders.

In the early 1600s, when the religious wars ended, Samuel de Champlain, a grand master of Templar cartography, sailed to Canada with his Huguenot associates, some of whom were members of the French St. Clair Family, guardians of the secret of the Holy Blood. They founded a new settlement for the family at "Acadia." But the site soon came under attack from American pirates, and in the 1630s, they dug up the Oak Island treasure and the Grail and secretly moved it to Quebec with the family.

With Canada secure, Jean de Maisonneuve, Jeanne Mance (a direct descendant of the last leader of the Knights Templar) founded the Company of Ville-Marie, then took the family, the Grail and the treasure to "Mont-Réal" where they founded a new holy city. The family were placed under the guardianship of the Order of St-Sulpice, seigneurs of Montréal, until the time was ripe to install a descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, a St-Clair son, on the throne of Canada. A Jesuit takeover may have scotched that plan for several hundred years.

So Montreal in fact originated as a Templar Colony, to be the New Jerusalem, and Quebec’s motto, “Je me souviens” (I remember), bears testimony to this secret history. It's clear to some of our historians that the Holy Grail is indeed hidden somewhere in Montréal. (Our researchers' best guess - in the Chapelle Notre-Dame-de-Bon-Secours, where rest the remains of Ste. Marguerite Bourgeoys, founder of the chapel in 1657)

3. The Rose in His Lapel

The family and their descendants thrived, and genealogical research has shown that over 350,000 Holy Blood descendants today make their home in Montreal. Young Justin TrueDoh is just one of them, both on the French and English side, and of course the mother that gave birth to him on Christmas Day 1971 - Margaret Sinclair (left) - is a direct descendant of the Scottish Templar family and the French St-Clairs.

One of our historians suggests she may have divorced Pierre TrueDoh - not the other way around - when he confessed he was a life-long Jesuit/Marxist, and hostile to the Templar cause.

Be that as it may, the symbolism should be a star-crossed slam dunk, right? And the case should rest there, right? Not so fast - Stéphane Dion, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe are also Templar heirs, with a right to the Throne. I myself, through my Calvinist French and Scottish ancestors, am another, but so are a lot of people. I don't make a big deal about it like some people do. And really this whole Justin effort smacks of pure desperation.
Anyway, Dear Diary, that's your Christmas story for 2007. Merry Christmas to all and God Bless Canada.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

PET Pup Caught Trying to Swim to Havana

In a brave attempt to emulate his late father's catalogue of exploits, Justin "Jésu" Truedoh was pulled from the sea off Halifax yesterday in a failed attempt to swim to Havana.

When told his father had tried to get to Cuba once to meet with "Fidel", but by canoe from Key West, Florida, the young Puffin heart throb slapped his head and shouted "Aw Fuddle Marde".

The young celebrity was escorted home by his wife Sophie and will be in Montréal to celebrate his birthday on Christmas Day.
Meanwhile disturbing rumours continue to swirl about a Priory of Sion plot to install Truedoh on the throne of Canada. More on this as details come in.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Stephen Harper Automated Attack Ad Thesaurus

One of the more amusing items that Rocco's tech team found when they hacked into PAM - the Puffinalia Agitprop Mainframe - is the Stephen Harper Automated Attack Ad Thesaurus, a subset of the Puffin Party of Canada Secret Playbook. Here are some examples from this truly pathetic political document:
1) Concentrate on Harper: Talk about "Stephen Harper's hidden agenda" and the "Harper Regime".

2) Use Demonizing Adjectives: "aggressive, aloof, arrogant, bullying, cheap, cold, devious, dirty, disastrous, disturbing, evil, hardcore, hard-right, heartless, hostile, mean, nasty, right-wing, scary, secretive, shameful, sinister, sleazy, tightly-controlled, uncaring, unfair, unfeeling, vindictive".

3) Repeat Nationalistic Links: "George Bush, war in Iraq, US-style"

4) Use Hundred Dollar Words Sparingly: Multisyllabics such as "authoritarian, fundamentalist, Machiavellian, unconscionable" are great in their proper place.

Sandra is keeping a close eye on some of the newer attack innovations, so I enjoin all true blues to send your favourite Puffinalia to me at the email address on the right.
Latest Larry Martin Outrage: "Putinesque", as in "Oh that Harper, he's so Putinesque."
Don Martini: "He's a born leader, but far too angrily partisan..."
Latest Jimmy Traverse Torostar Cult Inanities: "vicious", "partisan", "schoolyard meanness", "goes for the groin", "smearing the blameless", "doesn't play well with others"...
NOTE: I thought "PARTISAN" was a good thing, but apparently not when you're sniffing the incense of the Torostar Cult on a daily basis. Soon they'll be banning hockey.

Forget the old rule about keeping your stick on the ice. These journo-nannies are so stoned they can play without a stick.

Let's Really Open the Gates to Full Public Scutiny and Transparency

If you're like me I'm sure you're a true blue fan of Great Canadian Spectator Sports like sliding down the rink shouting "harder" and banging heavy rocks together. And of course there's mudwrestling in suits. And of course you share the fantasy of seeing Mr. Dithers and the Créton de Shawinigan have their moment of glory boxing before the so-called ethics committee. How marvellous it would be to see them duke it out in the Railway Committee Room, continuing their bathetic old charade and growling at Pat Martin's bossy questions.

"I ask you sir, what did you really know about Airbust™?"

And what about Shawinigate and Sponsorgate and Steamshipgate, real classic high end scandals compared to the efforts of The Person Who Must Not be Named to make a decent consulting buck after his departure from politics under the stain of the horrible GST and the tragedy of the Free Trade Deal?

I'm tempted to say, "Let's open up this whole can of worms and follow the money trail right into the political parties themselves. Let's look into the heart of darkness that is the natural governing party redux."

We could even invite the old German-Canadian Gnome back for comic relief.

Now that's scary.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

OK, Bring on the Election, Not

I see that diligent work by crazed turncoat Andrew Coin (left), allied with the Canadian Peoples' Agitprop Network and the Torostar Cult, has led to a blip in the CP/Decimo/Harrass poll where we could be statistically tied with the Puffins. (Is this a real poll like the Nanos ones, or just a desperate push poll to nudge up the Puffins? And what were the questions? - Ed)

High Fives to all those weenies who contributed to the Puffin nudge upward and our nudge downward. This is not mere police beat journalism - this is inspired brand marketing and you should share in the glory. And Viva Karlsheitz Fraudster for your bravura performance. You really earned your get out of jail card, you old rascal. We'll see you in February.

By the way, is Backpack Boy back from Bali yet? That should cause the polls to re-blip back to normal.

ZZZZZZZzzzzzz...must hibernate.
Back to Normal: Sandra woke me from my midwinter nap, and apparently the latest Angus Reid poll says nothing has changed.... We've held at 33%, the Puffins are stuck at 28%. As you were...
This just in: Some college boy cultist at Torostar called Gerry Nicholls, who claims to know me, says I'm being groomed by my staff as a cult leader/playboy of the month.

I guess this spring's fashion at Torostar and CPAN will be to portray me as Herr Harper. Truly, deeply sophomoric.

See you at the polls, losers. Oops, sorry, I forgot, the Puffins can't afford an election, can they? So I guess I won't see you at the polls.

Anyway, why all the fuss, Puffin People? Why so frustrated? All you have to do is drink our kool-aid and vote YES.

So lighten up and have a happy holiday. God Bless Canada.
Pix: AC (Frontier Centre for Public Policy)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Del Mastro takes Puffins to Task

The Puffin Party of Canada has denied that there was any collusion between the Puffins and the CBC, and have called the allegations a “total fabrication” (National Post, December 15, 2007). If indeed true, I'm relieved that certain honourable members of the Official Opposition will be spared further embarassment.

However, if the Puffins ARE LYING and it was NOT a fabrication, and the CBC have indeed been acting as the lapdog network of the Grits, then I am totally disgusted. Have these people no shame? Is this what they teach in journalism school these days?

And the irony of it all is that this is occurring in the Ethics Committee! It would be hilarious if it were not so tragic.

Our party member Dean Del Mastro will be bringing this up in the committee after Christmas. “Are the Liberals saying that Jean Lapierre, Mike Duffy and the CBC itself are fabricating their stories?” he asks. “More importantly do Liberals believe that it is appropriate for their party to actively collude with the country’s public broadcaster?”

Perhaps the committee could call some senior CBC officials to testify.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

New Mackenzie King Enquiry

Rumours have been circulating that I'm going to be asking Professor Johnston to widen his enquiry to cover the shady financial doings of ALL Puffin Prime Ministers, including Mackenzie King, who allegedly took money from the Rockefellers and died a very rich man.

I want to state categorically that nothing could be further from the truth.

Friday, December 14, 2007

CBC Feeds Questions to Puffin MPs on the So-Called Ethics Committee

This development does not look good for the credibility of the Puffin members of the Ethics Committee. It's clear one or more of them have been colluding with their lapdog network. Yes, I'm talking about the Canadian Peoples' Agitprop Network.

CTV's Mike Duffy show has confirmed the allegations of former Liberal Cabinet Minister and current TVA journalist Jean Lapierre that Grit MPs on the Ethics Committee were given yesterday's questions to ask by the journalists of the CBC.

"I knew all about those questions," said Lapierre. "They were written by the CBC and provided to the Liberal Members of Parliament and the questions that Pablo Rodriguez asked were written by the CBC, and I can't believe that, but last night, an influential Member of Parliament came to me and told me those are the questions that the CBC wants us to ask tomorrow." (CTV Newsnet, December 13, 2007)

Your Tax Dollars at Work

So let me get this straight... some of the $55 or so that each Canadian taxpayer spends to keep the CBC on air goes directly toward benefiting the Puffin Party of Canada by educating their stupider MPs about what questions to ask so as to damage the government of YOURS TRULY?

I must say I am shocked but not surprised at this new evidence that CBC keeps ethically challenged journalists on the payroll. This is just more of the same pathetic service to Canadians.

Of course, this is nothing new for the Nanny Network. We now know all about Steffie Camero and the Airbust™ Crusaders. But there is more. In 2004, Stephanie Matteis of CBC's The National sent out thousands of emails searching for typical Canadians that would not vote for YOURS TRULY because they thought I was, here we go again, "scary". In her letter, she wrote, "I'm looking for someone who was going to vote Conservative in the last election but changed their minds along the way because they were scared, freaked out or worried about the Conservatives, the Conservative agenda or its leader. So, instead, they voted Liberal. Now you're facing the same dilemma this time. If this describes you AND you are willing to travel for a couple of days next month AND you are willing to appear on television then please get in touch immediately."

Presumably the network would bring all these people to Toronto, put them up in the Harbour Castle and have a good old town hall meeting.

Then in August, 2006, CBC reporter Christina Lawand deliberately misrepresented an answer given by YOURS TRULY.

Canadians want to know, "When will this shame and outrage ever end?"

Update: My staff have drafted a query to CBC ombudsman Vince Carlin (wasn't he a standup star in the 70s?), and we anticipate the usual grovelling letter in reply, but no real changes in policy unless they fire most of the newsroom. I suspect we'll also be bringing the matter up with the Canadian Broadcasting Standards Council.

What? the CBC is not a member of the Canadian Broadcasting Standards Council? Jeez whyeverthehellnot?
New Developments: It is reported that Carlin is an expert in ethics, and his wife teaches journalistic ethics at Ryerson, so let's see him strut his stuff. My guess is there will be one child journo sent to the Gulag, and the Corpse will then pronounce that all is well.

Keep on Puffin.

Old Goalie Caught Obsessing About Hotel Rooms

This is fascinating. Our crack PMO textual analysis team have discovered that the Puffins are now mythologizing the Airbust™ Affair by developing a vocabulary that links it with unsavoury high end hotel rooms, where, as right-thinking Canadians know, all sorts of alleged practices take place. Yesterday former Leaf Manager Ken Dryden, for whom I have the utmost respect for his hockey achievements, said, and I quote:

"Mr. Schreiber is at least a shadowy character, and has been for a long time. I understand how first contacts happen and how mistakes can be made, but why did your association with Mr. Schreiber go on year after year? Why was the money exchanged in cash? Why in different cities? Why in hotel rooms?"

Dryden raises a troubling point. Why indeed? Canadians demand an answer.

Robert Thériault is also obsessed with the same thing: "Then you exercised the options to accept money, in cash, in a hotel room in Montreal."

And why Montreal. Why the Queen Elizabeth? Why not the Paris Airport Hilton? Or the Pierre Hotel at Trudeau Airport?

And even the Kneedippers are not immune: Mr. Joe Comartin: "So at the time when you received that money, when you were in the hotel room..."

So my friends, repeat this mantra after me - "Hotel rooms. Hotel rooms in different cities."

I'm also told the Globe and Torostar journos are really picking up on this hotel room thing, and the hard-hitting Pissed Estate investigators plan to tour and stay in all these cool hotels where the German-Canadian Pasta Entrepreneur met his prey. Especially the Pierre in New York. A tad expensive, but a lovely place.

In cash. In a hotel room. We're not making this up.
Pix:Poor Old Goalie Being Glad Handed by a Refreshed Mr. Dithers in a Montreal Hotel Room

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Today's Airbust Testimony a Hit for Political Junkies

So The Person Who Must Not be Named has testified, and I think all right thinking Canadians would agree that the Puffin's Plan Smear Harper no longer has legs, if it ever had any at all.

The Puffins even dragged out the great old goaler to pontificate from the heart about our shared moral failings, and the NDP star of the Airbust™ Show was Pat Martin, who blathered on about how shocked Canadians must feel about Big Bad Businesspersons.

Fascinating. It's clear now that the whole Airbust™ Affair goes back to a Grit Dirty Tricks Team operating down the street from the Office of the Petit Gars de Shawinigan, allied with Watergate wannabes Dimlid HackIntyre, Harvey Cash-Whore (left) and the Pissed Estate crew plus alleged investigative hackette Steffie Camero (below).

All these Grit operatives masquerading as journalists should be marched before the Ethics Committee, or better yet, the Johnston Enquiry. What a pathetic cast of characters. I can hardly wait. It will make gripping afternoon television, if you like that sort of thing.
I Have a New Theory: The old German-Canadian Pasta Entrepreneur would rather risk jail in Canada for perjury or even, God forbid, blackmail. He'd prefer to be incarcerated in some country club minimum security hotel in BC than be shipped out on the next plane and thrown into a dank dark dungeon in Germany. Makes perfect sense when you think of it.

Jeez, this thing could go on for years. But I guess that's the general idea.
Pix: Chris Wattie (Reuters); CBC

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A Personal Message to Women Who Watch CBC and Read the Toronto Star

According to the latest Nanos Poll, "The Prime Minister and his government get very high marks from Canadians. The Harper government gets a very good rating from 10.1 percent of the voters, and a good one from 29.4 percent. Another 38.1 percent give the government an average report card, while only 9 percent give it poor performance marks, and 9.4 percent rate it as very poor. However, there is a continuing caution for Prime Minister Harper in the voting intention numbers, as measured in other Nanos polls, as well as in those by other public opinion research firms. The Conservatives continue to be unable to cross the threshold of a majority, largely due to a gender gap and the resilience of the Liberal Party brand in Ontario."

What can I do to make you love me? Free Karlheinz Schreiber? You know I'd like nothing better, but I'm afraid we have an extradition treaty with Germany.

PS: If you'd like to have one of these adorable kitties, please contact your local Humane Society.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Torostar Asks - Would You Send This Dear Old Guy Back to Germany to Spend the Rest of His Life Rotting in Jail?

No of course you wouldn't.

Memo to Sandra: Do we have an extradition treaty with Costa Rica?
Pix: Torostar; Symbol Manipulation Division. (Bill Grimshaw)

Happy Days in Bali

A shiny new pushy poll conducted by Ipsos Factos Reid for CanWest and Global National, says we're down four while the Puffin Party of Canada stays the same.

And all because of an amusing performance by the genial old German-Canadian Businessman. What a pro!

Oh, and also because as you know I'm a scary, US-style politician who eats babies, while the Puffins are, well, almost beatific.

MEMO: To Kevin. Could you check this out further and advise? I suspect this result, well within the margin of error, is because the Puffins shipped Backpack Boy out of town during the Ethics hearings. The minute he was gone, dancing on the beach in Bali, and no longer on TV, a weight lifted from the hearts of Puffins everywhere, and it became contagious.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Three Amigos Fail Due Diligence Test

As an amateur historian of our national game of shinny, and as an outsider in this whole German-Canadian Businessman saga, I was naturally curious as to how the whole grudge match started, since it's clear the old G-CB rascal was handing out largesse to both Grits and PCs pretty much equally.

So I asked Kevin to put his best team of PCO researchers on the case, to brief me.

Well Franko and Fanny went to work with Google and Wikipedia, and we've got a preliminary report I'd like to share with you today.

It now seems clear that the whole dirty business started in 1988, when the G-CB started telephoning alleged food journalista Steffie Camero, while at the same time another mysterious personage was dumping over the transom scores of scribbled notes and private bank account records.

Whoever could this be? Enemies of Airbus or Thyssen? Chirac? The Americans? The Dreaded Stasi? Helmut Kohl's operatives? Victims of the G-CB? The German-Canadian himself, in a form of revenge against The Person Who Must Not Be Named? Perhaps G-CB's own enemies, like the odious Swiss clockmaker Giorgio Pelossi? Curiouser and curiouser.

Anyway, Steffie got so turned on by the Swiss stuff she ran and told her amigo Dimlid HackIntyre at the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network (CPAN) (the guy with the psychedelic tie, left), who pulled together a crack investigative cult led by a community college hand-held video student named Harvey Cash-Whore that Steffie knew from UBC days. Cash-Whore was the son of BC NDP Minister of Aboriginal Affairs ohn Cash-Whore. Also brought on board was Howie Goldenbaal - this Pissed Estate Airbust Researcher/Producer also spins "progressive" anti-Israel book reviews in Toronto Birdcage liner giveaway NOW-L.

This was the gang's chance to play Watergate-style heroes and maybe score a few CPAN expense account trips to a certain mountainous country in Europe with lax banking laws, great shopping and a very nice ambience.

It seems Steffie got into a bit of a courtroom bother - probably something to do with due diligence and the quality of her sources - but over the next few years the Three Amigos dragged it out into a string of Jiminy-award winning Pissed Estate shows and lame investigative pot-boilers. And it was all to kneecap that evil, nasty PC leader, The Person Who Must Not be Named, and restore the Natural Governing Party to its rightful place leading Canada forward in Grit Glory and keeping peace in the world in the name of Saint Lester and Saint Pierre. Whew.

I must say I'm fascinated by the fact that these dedicated little weenies never went after the German-Canadian's largesse toward Grits, only PCs. And yet after the departure of The Person Who Must Not be Named from office, the German-Canadian continued irrigating the new Créton gang. the same bunch who decided to break their election promises and KEEP the GST because it was a perfectly executed and efficient tax that would make Finance Minister Paulie look like a tough deficit-tamer in the eyes of Canadians.

So word went out to the old Pissed Estate Team to go into hibernation, stand down, and return to doing hard hitting consumer stories about the dangers of skate sharpeners and mouth guards. Sic transit gloria mundi, as Tom used to say.

So reading over this report, the whole thing smells like Puffin poo-poo to me, and it's becoming increasingly clear that this whole Airbust campaign was led by a very deep cover Grit Party Dirty Tricks Team smearing its way into Canadian hearts through the so-called public broadcaster (don't you mean the private broadcaster of the Puffins? - Ed).

It's also clear that these three amigos were recently slapped back into action and brought into Backpack Boy's office to ratchet up the old Karlheinz charade and spin it into a major Plan Smear Harper exercise. The aim being to rescue the Puffins from a fate worse than death - I mean losing an estimated 40 seats in the next election.

It's pretty pathetic, but gripping drama at the same time, if you like this sort of thing. Will Canadians buy the agitprop? More as this develops.
Pix:CBC, Puffin Party Archives

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I Objectify

Irene Mathyssen: "It's, it was, I would say not hard porn by any, by any stretch, but it was still inappropriate in the House of Commons. It reflects an attitude about women. It is an objectification of women that I find very, very concerning."...

Reporter: "Did you, could it, you said many images. Could it have been just a catalogue of lingerie? Could he have been doing his Christmas shopping, do you think?"

Mathyssen: "Well perhaps, I don't know. It looked like a file. It looked like collected images and Christmas shopping, what he does in his personal time is, is of no concern to me. That's personal and private. But he is in the House of Commons and it was in full view from my seat and had anyone been sitting in the public gallery, it would have been in full view of the gallery."
Irene's right, people. Let's keep this kind of objectification of women out of Question Period. There are far more appropriate things out there that we could be objectifying.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

More Puffins Fingered

Now it seems Trudeau-Créton Cabinet heavyweight and ex Canada Post Supreme Ruler André Wallet was also involved in the Bear Head project for Thyssen, a contract that was won instead by General Motors. Not entirely unexpected.

And the old German-Canadian Bribemeister is back at it again today, promising more hot revelations.

This is getting really tiresome. What'll it be next, thinly disguised blackmail?

What was that quote from Count Ignatula back in the summer? - that the Puffin Party "lays an egg a year, flaps its wings a lot and tries to hide its own excrement." It's all starting to make sense: the egg was Stéphane Dion, the flap was Kyoto, and the excrement is now.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Another Torostar Yawner

Chantal Hébert again: "Had it not been for the pesky ghost of [The Person Who Must Not Be Named], Prime Minister Stephen Harper's minority government would have enjoyed a charmed life this fall. Its second Speech from the Throne and a mini-budget whizzed through the House of Commons. In spite of that, neither gave the Conservatives the decisive boost they were hoping for in the polls."

I have news for you Mme. Hébert. Plan Smear Harper is backfiring. This German-Canadian Businessman soap opera is diminishing everybody, and the Puffin Party more than the Righteous Conservatives. I refer you to the latest Nanos poll:
The most trustworthy leader

Stephen Harper - 31% (-4)
Jack Layton - 14% (-4)
Stephane Dion - 12% (-8)
Gilles Duceppe - 6% (-2)
Elizabeth May - 4% (-4)
None of them/Undecided - 33% (+21)

Yours truly and Layton and May down 4, Dion down 8.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Bear Headed Truth

Gripping testimony old fellow. Now that you have cleared the name of yours truly, perhaps you can educate the Ethics Committee about how and why members of the late Regressive Conservative Party were so bad at handling lobbyists like yourself compared to how the slick members of the Naturist Governing Party retained your services, insisting on the use of some of Canada's more respected law firms.

I can only conclude we should do what the Americans do, and give every retiring Prime Minister a library for his or her papers and a couple of million bucks for their memoirs.
Pix: Adulation from Pat Martin; Shaun Best/Reuters

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Good Morning, Old Fellow

Welcome back to Parliament Hill!

We'll all be watching the show. When you get around to it, don't forget to mention all the Libranos who were also on your payroll. Thanks and God speed.

Oh, and if you can't make it to the official enquiry, well then that's politics.

PS: Don't forget, this Ethics Committee business is called Plan Smear Harper. It's a desperate attempt to salvage the Puffin Party of Canada brand. Nothing more, nothing less.
Pix: Kevin Frayer (CP)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

New Aussie PM Backs Uncaring, Unfeeling Canadian Approach to Climate Change

Maybe it's a case of unrequited love, but Elizabeth May is again comparing my stance on climate change, to "a grievance worse than Neville Chamberlain's appeasement of the Nazis."

But I'm not the only one going around killing baby polar bears. The little koalas and roos are getting it too. New Australian Premier Kevin Rudd said during the election campaign, with regard to the upcoming Bali round, that "I have made absolutely clear that we would need to see clear-cut commitments from the major emitters from the developing world for us to become party to that agreement."

Crikey Kevin, that sounds about right to me.

Elizabeth, if I might make a suggestion: I know your heart is in the right place, but if you want people to continue listening to you, cut the crap.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Snowball Fight Looms in the Commons Ethics Committee

I've decided to hurry back from Uganda so I can watch the show this week. What interests me in particular is whether the Puffins really want the "German-Canadian businessman" to testify about how many Créton-era Libranos were, in the words of journalista Steffie Camero, "on the take." Perhaps we can have the pleasure of seeing lawyers Mark Lalond and Alain Roque puff the MPs take the stand while we're waiting for the GCB to pull his marde together.

Or perhaps we can applaud as Iggy supporter Paul Szabo tries to sabotage brilliant NDP parliamentarian Pat Martin, who is only after the truth, as I am.

Whew... there's back tracking going on everywhere. Lysianne Gagnon in La Presse and Sheila Copps in the Sun papers are both spinning that the wise old "Petit Gars de Shawinigan" is right - that this is a police matter and I was wrong in wanting a full scale enquiry and the legal bills will kill us and why can we all be friends and love one another.

Apparently the "German-Canadian pasta entrepreneur" wants three days to plow through his correspondence in his Ottawa condo before he goes before the committee. Maybe the RCMP can help the poor old guy with his paperwork.

This is truly history in the making my friends.
Pix: Librano "Justice" Minister Alain Roque doing his best Créton impression for the press corpse. (CP)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Howard Gets Ax For Bloated Public Sector

So the Aussies waltzed John out. Who would have thought he was past his due date? The dear old guy who loved everybody and never stopped smiling?

To put a positive spin on it, the new Labor man Kevin Rudd said Howard's coalition had allowed too much civic service bloating and he repeatedly told the voters he would be cutting the numbers big-time. Scary, eh?

On Howard's part, he attacked Labor leader Kevin Rudd's promise to take a "meat axe" to the public service, telling reporters he believed the public service was doing a good job and it was just another empty promise from Labor.

Jeez, maybe the electorate are finally getting it, I mean Harpernomics™, not Puffinomics™.

Think Rudd's Kevinomics would fly in a Canadian election? Maybe not in the Maritimes.

Hasta La Matilda, John.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Rt. Hon. Librano Capo Still Hooking His Golf Balls

KAMPALA, UGANDA - I have been told that ex Puffin Chief Jean "Petit Gars" Créton has not been able to resist weighing in on the "German Canadian businessman" debate, particularly as the publishers want him to help promote Ron Graham's new book.

Créton claims to have spoken to Alain Roque about the payment to defray the legal expenses of The Person Who Must Not Be Named. "We 'ad no choice," he says.

He confesses, in a true spirit of Puffinalia, that he he was truly mystified by the whole Airbust affair, but "as I told my officials, the only proper thing to do was to accept the word of a former Prime Minister of Canada." He also says he would be willing to testify further about his golf balls at yet another interminable public enquiry to entertain our press corpse.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Latest Puffin Nest Fouling

More Potential Marde for the Puffins: Allegations have surfaced (see HERE) that certain high-placed PMO/PCO Puffins way back in the 1990s wrote reviewed a certain RCMP letter asking about the The Person Who Must Not Be Named before it was sent to a certain mountainous country in Europe with a well-known banking system. If this is true, all I can say is "Shame on the Puffin Party of Canada Dirty Tricks Team."

Wednesday Morning: Apparently the names of Mark Lalond, John Allan MacEachren and Andy Sprott have emerged in connection with the "German-Canadian businessman". Lalond was even on retainer to the GCB while at Strikeman Eliot, a reputable Canadian law firm, and was trusted to handle many of GCB's legal affairs, not that there's anything wrong with that. Interesting, but Lalond was honorary campaign co-chair for Count Ignatula's leadership team and son Paul is an Iggy advisor.

Fake sources are trying to tell me he wisely refused to take cash in a fat brown envelope in a hotel room but insisted on a certified cheque passed through his law firm. I will have none of this speculative allegations, particularly as matters are before the courts.
Woah, Puffins, circle the wagons. OK now backtrack fast. Shut up Thibault!
Dear Diary. I know you are excited by all these political shenanigans, but really they take the focus away from important things like justice, tax and Senate reform. Who's to blame? - hyperactive journos, pathetic TV paranoids, political scientists and former food columnists off their meds.

I'm off to Uganda. Behave yourselves, everybody.
Pix: Lalond with PET Pup (CP PHOTO/Ian Barrett)

Harpernomics™ for Socialists #2

Wake up Canada. Shake off the intellectual torpor instilled by decades of Torostar and Peoples Network pablum.

Corporate taxes are a total crock, since they simply get passed on to purchasers. Canadian workers pay for them in lower wages, and we end up gutting our economy to subsidize China. I know the Department of Finance and the accounting profession won't like this, but I'd like them cut entirely, so we can move toward creating a Tiger Economy. I'd like to see Canada - The Northern Bear™, with a red hot economy like Ireland's or New Zealand's.

Hey even Backpack Boy gets it. But will he support the elimination of corporate taxes in the House of Commons?

Sorry, but I doubt it. That's Puffin politics. Any questions?

White and Nerdy

Ben's school buddies found this video on YouTube. Cool. I can't wait till Weird Al writes a song about me.

"I wanna roll with the gangstas
But so far they all think I'm too
White and nerdy"
White and Nerdy Lyrics / Original Video

Friday, November 16, 2007

McKenna Warns Puffins of Further Losses

For most people, this whole Johnston Commission thing promises to be a really gripping soap opera, with allegations ranging from fraud to outright blackmail. To me, however, it's just a royal pain in the butt.

This Just In: Some of the smarter Puffins are coming to their senses and realizing that this whole exercise will come back to bite them. We are already getting truce feelers. Apparently, McKenna is telling them they can't afford to go to war - "Think of the legal bills" - and to just calm the heck down. The gist being, everybody from BackPack Boy on down, go back on your meds and stop acting like inane college students.

Monday Morning Developments from the Puffin Side of the Fence: Bob Rae is all for toning down the enquiry, and keeping to a narrow, strict mandate, otherwise some things will be investigated that should not be investigated. Get the picture?

Tuesday Morning: James Travers tells the Torostar faithful, hey, maybe we're playing with fire here... Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all..... Although he tries out some pathetic spin, suggesting that "a usually deft Harper is finding the Schreiber-Mulroney affair unusually awkward." I'm not finding it awkward at all. I'm finding it intensely BO-RING.

On the Make - The Trials of Steffie Camero

In the interests of perfect clarity and transparency, I think it's time to share with you some of the preliminary facts and quirky details unearthed by our crack undercover research team on that alleged journalist Steffie Camero (left, doing her best Nelly McClung impression), and others who will soon be paraded before Canadians in our version of a show trial.

It really is no surprise that the crew came up with some fascinating nuggets on the woman who it turns out is a fully fledged wannabe Puffin operative with a dark and sordid past.

"A Journalist Possessed"

1) Genetics - Her father, an American pilot named Whitey Dahl, was a real whacko, a con artist, gambler and fellow traveller right out of a pulp novel. Born in Champagne, Illinois, he joined the US Air Corps, then got hired for $1,500 a month by the Commie side in the Spanish Civil War. Back in the US in 1940, he was arrested for passing bad cheques. He then hightailed it to Canada to escape his debtors, and served in the Commonwealth Air Training Plan in Trenton and Camp Borden, where he married Steffie's mother, daughter of the Mayor of Belleville. After the war, Whitey was cashiered out of the RCAF for theft of firearms and other military goodies to sell on the black market. In 1951 he got a job with Swissair, but in 1953 he was caught stealing gold bars with a girlfriend and was expelled from the country, at which point Steffie's mother divorced him. Forced to work as a bush pilot in Frobisher Bay, he died in a crash landing when Steffie was just 12 years old. (Jeez no wonder she hates guys who "roll the dice" - Ed)

2) Education - UBC, then Cordon Bleu School - Started her career in food journalism at the Ottawa Petfinder and Torostar. Knows how to puff up a mean soufflé with nothing but a few eggs - the secret is you have to whip it hard and butter the dish. This served her well when she switched to political journalism.

3) Indoctrination - Infected by several years at the Torostar, where she got her Grit chip implant, she was then immersed in that self righteous, paranoid politburo - yes, the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network (CPAN). Energetic and always ready for a scrap, she gravitated to the hard hitting Pissed Estate investigative journalism wing and naively got sucked into the Airbust Crusade - a secret "deep cover" project possibly run by Mark Lalond designed to keep one particular "German-Canadian businessman" out of harm's way. Spoonfed original "research" leaked to the team by double "dope" dealers, she developed a serious hate on for The Person Who Must Not Be Named and whipped it into a best selling fiction/non-fiction pulp puff piece. Apparently she did some research answered some questions for the RCMP, which got her noticed at literary cocktail parties.

4) Liberalization - Became a certified pompom waving cheerleader for the Puffin Party of Canada:
- Jean Chrétien: lilywhite, good and pure, a real swell petit gars de Shawinigan and a loving caring human being.
- Person Who Must Not Be Named: A horrible, evil and corrupt US-style politician, a rotten bastard from Baie Comeau who stabbed the poor in the back and despised journalists.

The really pathetic thing is, Steffie actually believed this claptrap.
5) Marital - Married up. Her spousal unit David Camero is a respected U of T political scientist from an old BC Puffin family. David worked in Ottawa, then for our old friends David Peterson and Bob Rae. He's a long time pal of Backpack Boy!

6) Redemption/Positive Spin - Because of her work with the poor and the homeless, Steffie has been blessed as an elder in St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church in downtown Toronto. Perhaps now she has exhausted all other avenues she will become a Woman of the Cloth like my secret admirer Elizabeth May. Maybe she's already involved in BPB's Miracle Poverty Cure.

Anyhoo, Conservatives will soon have the immense pleasure of seeing Steffie explain before a judge how Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network taught her to turn eggs into soufflé.

End of Part I of this Gripping Series. Next up - Alain Roque, followed by the Pissed Estate.
All tips and corrections gratefully accepted.
Pix:CBC?; CPAN Logo ©Canadian Union of Satiric Photoshoppers; Keith MacKenzie Vancouver 24 hours

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

McKenna New Liberal Leader

A friend of mine in Montreal, who shall go nameless, has just thumbed me that a new Puffin Party Leader in Waiting has been chosen, and he is Frank McKenna. A tad past his due date but still an excellent choice. I look forward to crossing metaphorical swords in the Commons.

Installation will be within the next twelve months.

I'm sure all Canadians join me in welcoming back a man who can lead the pathetic Puffins to a glorious new future on the opposition benches.

God Bless New Brunswick.

Kinsella's Back in the Game

I hate to admit it, but Créton-era brandmaster Kinsella sometimes has some pretty decent political smarts, if you can read between the spin. See his Weblog at

I appreciate one of his latest spins, "Anyone who knows me knows what I think of judicial inquiries. They are mostly self-mandating, self-financing, self-aggrandizing monstrosities - they end up costing the treasury millions, they solve nothing, and they corrode the public's already-corroded faith in public institutions. The Starr Inquiry, the Gomery Inquiry, all of them are the same. They make things worse, not better."

Yeah, but worse for whom?

Kinsella even suspects he's "getting soft on Muldoon*..." This from a head-banging punk? Must be the jet lag.

Anyhoo, I would advise all interested parties to check out Ian Macdonald in the Gazette today for clarification about what is at stake.

Kevin, please keep me informed about the progress of this farce. I have a country to run.
*the person who must not be named...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Battle of the Pollsters Raises Serious Questions of Credibility on Front Street

Huh? A new Strategic Counsel poll for The Globe n' Male/CTV Snooz says it's a dead heat between us and the Puffin Party of Canada, each holding the support of 32 per cent of Canadians.

And yet SES's Nik Nanos says I'm way ahead of Taliban Jack and Backpack Boy. Something fishy here?

We know that Strategic Counsel partner Peter Dunnolo used to work for the Puffins, Créton in particular. But did the man's past sins influence the choice of questions asked in this poll? Nah, banish that thought. As they say in québecois, "pas possible".

But how can we tell? First, the actual polling questions are not out front in the Globe article. Second, the poll says that 40% of Canadians support petit prince Justin Trudeau as the next Great Leader of the Puffins. This is hardly credible, although I must say having the young PET Pup replace Stéphane would be a wonderful thing for conservatism in Canada, but that's only my personal opinion.

I mean, Justincase doesn't even read the newspapers: as he was quoted in 2005, "I don't read newspapers. I don't watch the news. I figure, if something happens, someone will tell me." Could he have been thinking of the Globe n' Male?

Let me be perfectly clear to Eddie the G and his scribes at the Fortress on Front Street: I fully realize that the Puffins are fighting for their life, but in these new days of media transparency, you can't hide any more, and these sorts of push polls do nothing to enhance your credibility as Canada's National Birdcage Liner. Au contraire, you're better to avoid Puffinalia, and POLL IT LIKE IT IS.

By the way, Nanos has nailed the past few elections, better than any other pollster.

Pix: SES; smoldering heart throb teen fan photo by Sophie Armcandy for the Puffin Party of Canada Youth Wingnuts

Sunday, November 11, 2007


Star columnist Thomas Walkom just made my weekend with the above statement. Jeez, I wonder how he got it by the Torostar editorial board of nannies. Hey, he says my GST cuts help the poor.

Tom, a word to the wise. You are putting your career at risk if you deviate from the Puffinomics™ script..... All I can say is, Holy Joe Atkinson and the Founding Family patriarchs must be rolling in their respective graves.

So all you bleeding hearts south of St. Clair Ave., who ya gonna vote for? Backpack Boy with his Miracle Poverty Cure? Or the Beer and Popcorn guys who run Count Ignatula? Or me and the Righteous Right?

Welcome Walkom.

PS: Laureen says powder your nose.

Friday, November 9, 2007

A Message to Our National Press Corpse

As you journos saw from my no nonsense press conference this afternoon, I have no intention of commenting on a private matter before the courts, even if it has to do with that goddam ........, and I have full faith in the ability of our justice system to extradite expedite justice where justice is due.

Now I fully realize that hard-hitting Peoples Network scribes such as Keith Boager need good juicy copy like Count Ignatula Dracula needs blood, but they will have to dredge it up somewhere else.

Anyway, why weren't you guys in Toronto covering
Backpack Boy's Miracle Poverty Cure?

More on this in my forthcoming Harpernomics™ for Socialists class.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Star Disgusted by My Uncaring, Unfeeling, Hard-Right Gutter Tactics

My hostile, arrogant research team have discovered more Puffinalia greenhouse gas wafting this way from Trawna, the last stronghold of old Grit intransigeance left in Canada, now whipping itself into a frenzy of Harperphobia™.

It's Torostar's Canadian Political Science For Dummies™ crusade! And once again they have me eating babies with the headline, How low will Prime Minister Stephen Harper go to score cheap and dirty political points against his opponents?

As Pierre once said, "Just watch me."
Pix: Harper Eating Babies, by Francisco Torostar, Natural Gallery of Canada

Monday, November 5, 2007

Scary Tories Bully Contributors, Unfair to Opposition

Secretive uncaring US-style election financing, blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda. Anyway, our friends at Elections Canada have just released some shocking figures on party financial returns:
* Conservative Party - $3,152,985.38 from 32,812 contributors
* Puffin Party of Canada - $793,835.78 from 7,849 contributors
* NDP - $594,479.68 from 10,857 contributors
* Green Party - $218,505.14 from 3,143 contributors
* Bloc Quebecois $31,520.06 from 310 contributors

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Globe n' Mail Has Hate On For Former PM

Yes it's official, Canada's National Birdcage Liner has decided to go after my good buddy the Rt. Hon. Brian Mulroney The Person Who Must Not Be Named by dredging up this old Schreiber retainer stuff. As you saw by my response yesterday, I am sorely tempted to respond in some fashion, but Brian advised me to refrain, since it is still before the courts. "Take the high road, my son," he advised.

Whatever are they thinking down there on Front Street? My guess? Something to do with giving the poor old Puffin Party of Canada a shot in the arm. Boosting morale, nudging the polls, and all that.

I also see that the Puffins are complaining about lack of funds. Why don't they tap into some of the old sponsorship money that must be squirreled away somewhere?

Not My Real Facebook Entry

Some dudes at the Natural All-Bran Post have been taking liberties with my message by not even claiming to be fake. These people have been trying to friend me for ages, so all I can say is, "This is MY Space!"

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Who's Haunting Stornoway Tonight?

Count Ignatula, that's who.

Bring out your dead! Down Kyoto!

Well, apparently a couple of ex-Puffin PMs did show up, but since this was a photo op, Mme. Dion shoo-ed the cons away.

©CUPS (Motto: "Your Tax Dollars at Work"); Christopher Pike, Reuters

Puffin-Speak Infects Top Journos

Today, in our quest to root out Puffin-Speak in the national media, we're looking at a typical article in the Trawna Star, headlined PM again sticks it to Liberals.

Chantal Hébert says that "Stephen Harper has taken advantage of an official opposition empty net to aggressively advance his agenda." Apparently our throne speech "thumbed its nose at opposition demands on the environment and the Afghan mission. Then the government put an election gun to the head of the other parties to ensure passage of its law-and-order policies.... The Liberals had been musing about corporate tax cuts. That rug has basically been pulled from under them.... The Conservatives also served notice yesterday that they were opening a new front in their war on Dion's image."

Jeez, that's scary. It's enough to make all those loving, caring, Starbucks-swilling Torontonians run and hide under the bed when big bad Stephen bangs on the door, even if he is bearing tax cuts.

Now Mme. Hébert, I want to address you personally on this. I have a great deal of respect for your writing, and never thought for a moment that you were a member of the "Stephen Harper Eats Babies" school of journalism. Hey, you may even be right about our motives, which history will judge.

I love the empty net metaphor, but otherwise I'm quite disappointed. I know you have to file something most days. That's your job. But even if Torostar editors are happy to let breathtaking strings of cliches pass into print, that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. And I know tonight is Halloween, and I know you have to scare the kiddies, but you really should go easy on the scary Puffinalia. It just dumbs down your message.

Perhaps you would be happier at some other paper...
Pix: Radio-Canada, Tout le monde en parle

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Back to the Basics - Harpernomics™ For Socialists

People often ask me, "what's an economist like you doing as Prime Minister? Surely Parliament is all about lawmaking and leaders should be lawyers". Well, I reply, it's probably time Canadians had a dose of "the dismal science."

"The trouble with lawyers," my Rt. Hon. buddy from Baie Comeau told me the other day, "is that all they know how to do is bill clients. They don't know sweet God-@#&%*@! about economics. I know, and I'm a lawyer."

So that's why I've undertaken this project, Back to the Basics - Harpernomics™ For Socialists, to help socialistically inclined Canadians get a better understanding of how things work in the real world. I'm also trying it out on the Cabinet, starting with Jim Prentice. Here, catch...

By the way, do you know why we did $60 billion in tax cuts today? to win the coming election? to feel good? to help hard working Canadians? to aggressively enforce our scary right-wing, US-style agenda? Nope. The real reason was to ramp down the growth of the civil service. In the last days of his reign, debt-fighter Paulie lost it. He wanted everybody to love him and be happy and get civil service jobs. This is the whole essence of Puffinomics™,

But life's not like that, and too many functionaries act as a drag on the country. The only way bureaucratic growth can be controlled is to turn down the tap gradually and let 'em scream. Look for increasing levels of screaming over the next little while. Especially from those CUPE and PIPS people.

I'll be doing a class a week starting later this week. So stay tuned, and I'll be lobbing essay assignments at you regularly.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Namaste, Old Fella!

and keep smiling...

Now if we could just harmonize the GST with provincial sales taxes and get a common financial regulator....

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

An Open (Love) Letter to Elizabeth May

Dear Elizabeth:

While Laureen and I were having breakfast the other day, my wife suddenly whooped with laughter while she was reading the Ottawa Citizen. When I asked her what was up, she actually went a bit red in the face, and passed me an article that talks about you making bread, and more, so much more.

"I work hard at loving Stephen Harper," says Ms. May, as she mixes bread dough in a large crockery bowl in the kitchen of her New Edinburgh home. "I don't dislike him as a person. I feel sorry for him as a person. He's obviously a person who has a hard time being happy. That's the basis on which I attempt to love him."

While I am delighted to see see that you have abandoned Kyoto and are studying to become an Anglican priest, let me suggest that I feel well loved by my family and friends, and these days I have a really hard time keeping the smirk off my face.

Your good neighbour,


PS: What really makes me happy are home-baked cookies. We'll be around for some on Hallowe'en. (I'll be dressed as Count Ignatula)