Friday, November 30, 2007

Bear Headed Truth

Gripping testimony old fellow. Now that you have cleared the name of yours truly, perhaps you can educate the Ethics Committee about how and why members of the late Regressive Conservative Party were so bad at handling lobbyists like yourself compared to how the slick members of the Naturist Governing Party retained your services, insisting on the use of some of Canada's more respected law firms.

I can only conclude we should do what the Americans do, and give every retiring Prime Minister a library for his or her papers and a couple of million bucks for their memoirs.
Pix: Adulation from Pat Martin; Shaun Best/Reuters

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Good Morning, Old Fellow

Welcome back to Parliament Hill!

We'll all be watching the show. When you get around to it, don't forget to mention all the Libranos who were also on your payroll. Thanks and God speed.

Oh, and if you can't make it to the official enquiry, well then that's politics.

PS: Don't forget, this Ethics Committee business is called Plan Smear Harper. It's a desperate attempt to salvage the Puffin Party of Canada brand. Nothing more, nothing less.
Pix: Kevin Frayer (CP)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

New Aussie PM Backs Uncaring, Unfeeling Canadian Approach to Climate Change

Maybe it's a case of unrequited love, but Elizabeth May is again comparing my stance on climate change, to "a grievance worse than Neville Chamberlain's appeasement of the Nazis."

But I'm not the only one going around killing baby polar bears. The little koalas and roos are getting it too. New Australian Premier Kevin Rudd said during the election campaign, with regard to the upcoming Bali round, that "I have made absolutely clear that we would need to see clear-cut commitments from the major emitters from the developing world for us to become party to that agreement."

Crikey Kevin, that sounds about right to me.

Elizabeth, if I might make a suggestion: I know your heart is in the right place, but if you want people to continue listening to you, cut the crap.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Snowball Fight Looms in the Commons Ethics Committee

I've decided to hurry back from Uganda so I can watch the show this week. What interests me in particular is whether the Puffins really want the "German-Canadian businessman" to testify about how many Créton-era Libranos were, in the words of journalista Steffie Camero, "on the take." Perhaps we can have the pleasure of seeing lawyers Mark Lalond and Alain Roque puff the MPs take the stand while we're waiting for the GCB to pull his marde together.

Or perhaps we can applaud as Iggy supporter Paul Szabo tries to sabotage brilliant NDP parliamentarian Pat Martin, who is only after the truth, as I am.

Whew... there's back tracking going on everywhere. Lysianne Gagnon in La Presse and Sheila Copps in the Sun papers are both spinning that the wise old "Petit Gars de Shawinigan" is right - that this is a police matter and I was wrong in wanting a full scale enquiry and the legal bills will kill us and why can we all be friends and love one another.

Apparently the "German-Canadian pasta entrepreneur" wants three days to plow through his correspondence in his Ottawa condo before he goes before the committee. Maybe the RCMP can help the poor old guy with his paperwork.

This is truly history in the making my friends.
Pix: Librano "Justice" Minister Alain Roque doing his best Créton impression for the press corpse. (CP)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Howard Gets Ax For Bloated Public Sector

So the Aussies waltzed John out. Who would have thought he was past his due date? The dear old guy who loved everybody and never stopped smiling?

To put a positive spin on it, the new Labor man Kevin Rudd said Howard's coalition had allowed too much civic service bloating and he repeatedly told the voters he would be cutting the numbers big-time. Scary, eh?

On Howard's part, he attacked Labor leader Kevin Rudd's promise to take a "meat axe" to the public service, telling reporters he believed the public service was doing a good job and it was just another empty promise from Labor.

Jeez, maybe the electorate are finally getting it, I mean Harpernomics™, not Puffinomics™.

Think Rudd's Kevinomics would fly in a Canadian election? Maybe not in the Maritimes.

Hasta La Matilda, John.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Rt. Hon. Librano Capo Still Hooking His Golf Balls

KAMPALA, UGANDA - I have been told that ex Puffin Chief Jean "Petit Gars" Créton has not been able to resist weighing in on the "German Canadian businessman" debate, particularly as the publishers want him to help promote Ron Graham's new book.

Créton claims to have spoken to Alain Roque about the payment to defray the legal expenses of The Person Who Must Not Be Named. "We 'ad no choice," he says.

He confesses, in a true spirit of Puffinalia, that he he was truly mystified by the whole Airbust affair, but "as I told my officials, the only proper thing to do was to accept the word of a former Prime Minister of Canada." He also says he would be willing to testify further about his golf balls at yet another interminable public enquiry to entertain our press corpse.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Latest Puffin Nest Fouling

More Potential Marde for the Puffins: Allegations have surfaced (see HERE) that certain high-placed PMO/PCO Puffins way back in the 1990s wrote reviewed a certain RCMP letter asking about the The Person Who Must Not Be Named before it was sent to a certain mountainous country in Europe with a well-known banking system. If this is true, all I can say is "Shame on the Puffin Party of Canada Dirty Tricks Team."

Wednesday Morning: Apparently the names of Mark Lalond, John Allan MacEachren and Andy Sprott have emerged in connection with the "German-Canadian businessman". Lalond was even on retainer to the GCB while at Strikeman Eliot, a reputable Canadian law firm, and was trusted to handle many of GCB's legal affairs, not that there's anything wrong with that. Interesting, but Lalond was honorary campaign co-chair for Count Ignatula's leadership team and son Paul is an Iggy advisor.

Fake sources are trying to tell me he wisely refused to take cash in a fat brown envelope in a hotel room but insisted on a certified cheque passed through his law firm. I will have none of this speculative allegations, particularly as matters are before the courts.
Woah, Puffins, circle the wagons. OK now backtrack fast. Shut up Thibault!
Dear Diary. I know you are excited by all these political shenanigans, but really they take the focus away from important things like justice, tax and Senate reform. Who's to blame? - hyperactive journos, pathetic TV paranoids, political scientists and former food columnists off their meds.

I'm off to Uganda. Behave yourselves, everybody.
Pix: Lalond with PET Pup (CP PHOTO/Ian Barrett)

Harpernomics™ for Socialists #2

Wake up Canada. Shake off the intellectual torpor instilled by decades of Torostar and Peoples Network pablum.

Corporate taxes are a total crock, since they simply get passed on to purchasers. Canadian workers pay for them in lower wages, and we end up gutting our economy to subsidize China. I know the Department of Finance and the accounting profession won't like this, but I'd like them cut entirely, so we can move toward creating a Tiger Economy. I'd like to see Canada - The Northern Bear™, with a red hot economy like Ireland's or New Zealand's.

Hey even Backpack Boy gets it. But will he support the elimination of corporate taxes in the House of Commons?

Sorry, but I doubt it. That's Puffin politics. Any questions?

White and Nerdy

Ben's school buddies found this video on YouTube. Cool. I can't wait till Weird Al writes a song about me.

"I wanna roll with the gangstas
But so far they all think I'm too
White and nerdy"
White and Nerdy Lyrics / Original Video

Friday, November 16, 2007

McKenna Warns Puffins of Further Losses

For most people, this whole Johnston Commission thing promises to be a really gripping soap opera, with allegations ranging from fraud to outright blackmail. To me, however, it's just a royal pain in the butt.

This Just In: Some of the smarter Puffins are coming to their senses and realizing that this whole exercise will come back to bite them. We are already getting truce feelers. Apparently, McKenna is telling them they can't afford to go to war - "Think of the legal bills" - and to just calm the heck down. The gist being, everybody from BackPack Boy on down, go back on your meds and stop acting like inane college students.

Monday Morning Developments from the Puffin Side of the Fence: Bob Rae is all for toning down the enquiry, and keeping to a narrow, strict mandate, otherwise some things will be investigated that should not be investigated. Get the picture?

Tuesday Morning: James Travers tells the Torostar faithful, hey, maybe we're playing with fire here... Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all..... Although he tries out some pathetic spin, suggesting that "a usually deft Harper is finding the Schreiber-Mulroney affair unusually awkward." I'm not finding it awkward at all. I'm finding it intensely BO-RING.

On the Make - The Trials of Steffie Camero

In the interests of perfect clarity and transparency, I think it's time to share with you some of the preliminary facts and quirky details unearthed by our crack undercover research team on that alleged journalist Steffie Camero (left, doing her best Nelly McClung impression), and others who will soon be paraded before Canadians in our version of a show trial.

It really is no surprise that the crew came up with some fascinating nuggets on the woman who it turns out is a fully fledged wannabe Puffin operative with a dark and sordid past.

"A Journalist Possessed"

1) Genetics - Her father, an American pilot named Whitey Dahl, was a real whacko, a con artist, gambler and fellow traveller right out of a pulp novel. Born in Champagne, Illinois, he joined the US Air Corps, then got hired for $1,500 a month by the Commie side in the Spanish Civil War. Back in the US in 1940, he was arrested for passing bad cheques. He then hightailed it to Canada to escape his debtors, and served in the Commonwealth Air Training Plan in Trenton and Camp Borden, where he married Steffie's mother, daughter of the Mayor of Belleville. After the war, Whitey was cashiered out of the RCAF for theft of firearms and other military goodies to sell on the black market. In 1951 he got a job with Swissair, but in 1953 he was caught stealing gold bars with a girlfriend and was expelled from the country, at which point Steffie's mother divorced him. Forced to work as a bush pilot in Frobisher Bay, he died in a crash landing when Steffie was just 12 years old. (Jeez no wonder she hates guys who "roll the dice" - Ed)

2) Education - UBC, then Cordon Bleu School - Started her career in food journalism at the Ottawa Petfinder and Torostar. Knows how to puff up a mean soufflé with nothing but a few eggs - the secret is you have to whip it hard and butter the dish. This served her well when she switched to political journalism.

3) Indoctrination - Infected by several years at the Torostar, where she got her Grit chip implant, she was then immersed in that self righteous, paranoid politburo - yes, the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network (CPAN). Energetic and always ready for a scrap, she gravitated to the hard hitting Pissed Estate investigative journalism wing and naively got sucked into the Airbust Crusade - a secret "deep cover" project possibly run by Mark Lalond designed to keep one particular "German-Canadian businessman" out of harm's way. Spoonfed original "research" leaked to the team by double "dope" dealers, she developed a serious hate on for The Person Who Must Not Be Named and whipped it into a best selling fiction/non-fiction pulp puff piece. Apparently she did some research answered some questions for the RCMP, which got her noticed at literary cocktail parties.

4) Liberalization - Became a certified pompom waving cheerleader for the Puffin Party of Canada:
- Jean Chrétien: lilywhite, good and pure, a real swell petit gars de Shawinigan and a loving caring human being.
- Person Who Must Not Be Named: A horrible, evil and corrupt US-style politician, a rotten bastard from Baie Comeau who stabbed the poor in the back and despised journalists.

The really pathetic thing is, Steffie actually believed this claptrap.
5) Marital - Married up. Her spousal unit David Camero is a respected U of T political scientist from an old BC Puffin family. David worked in Ottawa, then for our old friends David Peterson and Bob Rae. He's a long time pal of Backpack Boy!

6) Redemption/Positive Spin - Because of her work with the poor and the homeless, Steffie has been blessed as an elder in St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church in downtown Toronto. Perhaps now she has exhausted all other avenues she will become a Woman of the Cloth like my secret admirer Elizabeth May. Maybe she's already involved in BPB's Miracle Poverty Cure.

Anyhoo, Conservatives will soon have the immense pleasure of seeing Steffie explain before a judge how Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network taught her to turn eggs into soufflé.

End of Part I of this Gripping Series. Next up - Alain Roque, followed by the Pissed Estate.
All tips and corrections gratefully accepted.
Pix:CBC?; CPAN Logo ©Canadian Union of Satiric Photoshoppers; Keith MacKenzie Vancouver 24 hours

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

McKenna New Liberal Leader

A friend of mine in Montreal, who shall go nameless, has just thumbed me that a new Puffin Party Leader in Waiting has been chosen, and he is Frank McKenna. A tad past his due date but still an excellent choice. I look forward to crossing metaphorical swords in the Commons.

Installation will be within the next twelve months.

I'm sure all Canadians join me in welcoming back a man who can lead the pathetic Puffins to a glorious new future on the opposition benches.

God Bless New Brunswick.

Kinsella's Back in the Game

I hate to admit it, but Créton-era brandmaster Kinsella sometimes has some pretty decent political smarts, if you can read between the spin. See his Weblog at

I appreciate one of his latest spins, "Anyone who knows me knows what I think of judicial inquiries. They are mostly self-mandating, self-financing, self-aggrandizing monstrosities - they end up costing the treasury millions, they solve nothing, and they corrode the public's already-corroded faith in public institutions. The Starr Inquiry, the Gomery Inquiry, all of them are the same. They make things worse, not better."

Yeah, but worse for whom?

Kinsella even suspects he's "getting soft on Muldoon*..." This from a head-banging punk? Must be the jet lag.

Anyhoo, I would advise all interested parties to check out Ian Macdonald in the Gazette today for clarification about what is at stake.

Kevin, please keep me informed about the progress of this farce. I have a country to run.
*the person who must not be named...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Battle of the Pollsters Raises Serious Questions of Credibility on Front Street

Huh? A new Strategic Counsel poll for The Globe n' Male/CTV Snooz says it's a dead heat between us and the Puffin Party of Canada, each holding the support of 32 per cent of Canadians.

And yet SES's Nik Nanos says I'm way ahead of Taliban Jack and Backpack Boy. Something fishy here?

We know that Strategic Counsel partner Peter Dunnolo used to work for the Puffins, Créton in particular. But did the man's past sins influence the choice of questions asked in this poll? Nah, banish that thought. As they say in québecois, "pas possible".

But how can we tell? First, the actual polling questions are not out front in the Globe article. Second, the poll says that 40% of Canadians support petit prince Justin Trudeau as the next Great Leader of the Puffins. This is hardly credible, although I must say having the young PET Pup replace Stéphane would be a wonderful thing for conservatism in Canada, but that's only my personal opinion.

I mean, Justincase doesn't even read the newspapers: as he was quoted in 2005, "I don't read newspapers. I don't watch the news. I figure, if something happens, someone will tell me." Could he have been thinking of the Globe n' Male?

Let me be perfectly clear to Eddie the G and his scribes at the Fortress on Front Street: I fully realize that the Puffins are fighting for their life, but in these new days of media transparency, you can't hide any more, and these sorts of push polls do nothing to enhance your credibility as Canada's National Birdcage Liner. Au contraire, you're better to avoid Puffinalia, and POLL IT LIKE IT IS.

By the way, Nanos has nailed the past few elections, better than any other pollster.

Pix: SES; smoldering heart throb teen fan photo by Sophie Armcandy for the Puffin Party of Canada Youth Wingnuts

Sunday, November 11, 2007


Star columnist Thomas Walkom just made my weekend with the above statement. Jeez, I wonder how he got it by the Torostar editorial board of nannies. Hey, he says my GST cuts help the poor.

Tom, a word to the wise. You are putting your career at risk if you deviate from the Puffinomics™ script..... All I can say is, Holy Joe Atkinson and the Founding Family patriarchs must be rolling in their respective graves.

So all you bleeding hearts south of St. Clair Ave., who ya gonna vote for? Backpack Boy with his Miracle Poverty Cure? Or the Beer and Popcorn guys who run Count Ignatula? Or me and the Righteous Right?

Welcome Walkom.

PS: Laureen says powder your nose.

Friday, November 9, 2007

A Message to Our National Press Corpse

As you journos saw from my no nonsense press conference this afternoon, I have no intention of commenting on a private matter before the courts, even if it has to do with that goddam ........, and I have full faith in the ability of our justice system to extradite expedite justice where justice is due.

Now I fully realize that hard-hitting Peoples Network scribes such as Keith Boager need good juicy copy like Count Ignatula Dracula needs blood, but they will have to dredge it up somewhere else.

Anyway, why weren't you guys in Toronto covering
Backpack Boy's Miracle Poverty Cure?

More on this in my forthcoming Harpernomics™ for Socialists class.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Star Disgusted by My Uncaring, Unfeeling, Hard-Right Gutter Tactics

My hostile, arrogant research team have discovered more Puffinalia greenhouse gas wafting this way from Trawna, the last stronghold of old Grit intransigeance left in Canada, now whipping itself into a frenzy of Harperphobia™.

It's Torostar's Canadian Political Science For Dummies™ crusade! And once again they have me eating babies with the headline, How low will Prime Minister Stephen Harper go to score cheap and dirty political points against his opponents?

As Pierre once said, "Just watch me."
Pix: Harper Eating Babies, by Francisco Torostar, Natural Gallery of Canada

Monday, November 5, 2007

Scary Tories Bully Contributors, Unfair to Opposition

Secretive uncaring US-style election financing, blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda. Anyway, our friends at Elections Canada have just released some shocking figures on party financial returns:
* Conservative Party - $3,152,985.38 from 32,812 contributors
* Puffin Party of Canada - $793,835.78 from 7,849 contributors
* NDP - $594,479.68 from 10,857 contributors
* Green Party - $218,505.14 from 3,143 contributors
* Bloc Quebecois $31,520.06 from 310 contributors

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Globe n' Mail Has Hate On For Former PM

Yes it's official, Canada's National Birdcage Liner has decided to go after my good buddy the Rt. Hon. Brian Mulroney The Person Who Must Not Be Named by dredging up this old Schreiber retainer stuff. As you saw by my response yesterday, I am sorely tempted to respond in some fashion, but Brian advised me to refrain, since it is still before the courts. "Take the high road, my son," he advised.

Whatever are they thinking down there on Front Street? My guess? Something to do with giving the poor old Puffin Party of Canada a shot in the arm. Boosting morale, nudging the polls, and all that.

I also see that the Puffins are complaining about lack of funds. Why don't they tap into some of the old sponsorship money that must be squirreled away somewhere?

Not My Real Facebook Entry

Some dudes at the Natural All-Bran Post have been taking liberties with my message by not even claiming to be fake. These people have been trying to friend me for ages, so all I can say is, "This is MY Space!"