Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Apologies to Quebeckers

It's not every day that Michael does this sort of thing. When I told him to give Duceppe a tongue lashing I didn't mean this.

I must say I worry that he's acting more and more like Trudeau. You know, soon he'll be pirouetting behind the Queen, sliding down banisters, giving the finger to farmers, insulting spoiled artists who are voting Bloc anyway. That sort of thing. I'm going to have a word with him real soon.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Captain! We've Got Transporter Trouble.....

We can't hold her! she's fading out! Do something!

Elizabeth May on her retro trans Canada high speed rail tour.

Change We Can Believe In

More cartoon characters from south of the border...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Who's the One Out of Focus?

Cheer up, people, it's just an election.
Pix: Peter McCabe, CP

Jack Layton Caught Wearing a Blue Sweater

In one speech during the recent Republican Convention, commentators noted that Sarah Palin was wearing the colour orange.

This was widely interpreted to signal that she was reaching out for Democratic Party support, I mean from the true democrats and not the Obamatrons, because orange is Hillary Clinton's favourite colour...

Jack, I take your recent wearing of a blue sweater to be a similar signal. You have also been seen wearing a very nice light blue tie.

I know your father Bob Layton was a loyal Progressive Conservative all his life, and you know it's still not too late to return to your roots and join the Reality Party of Canada. That's us.

You know in your heart that our policies will give more real jobs to the working families of Canada.

You've got my BlackBerry #2 number. I'm waiting for your call.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Mean Schoolyard Bully Type Puffin Attack Ads

The secret coronation of Bobama Rae as Real Leader of the Puffin Party of Canada coincides with a disturbing new negative ad about The Real Harper. I must say I don't like the subject matter - we're working on this - but the production values are pretty classy for an ad done on your kid's Macintosh. A nice noir touch, like a Forties newsreel. Warren Kinsella says it was put together by a punk friend of his, Don Millar, and then makes a shameless pitch for his excellent book, "The War Room."

Want to know what I think? I think you New Puffins are just being sleazy, stubborn and vindictive. These orchestrated US style attack ads are worrisome and troubling to Canadians. They are a symptom of the New Puffin Party's hostile, arrogant, uncaring, unfeeling attitude.

Canadians want you to stop being such schoolyard bullies.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Is Bobama Rae the Real Leader of the Puffin Party of Canada?

All the signs point that way, and to a hidden agenda for Canada.

Canadians want to know:

• What are the specific terms of the deal Bobama Rae made to leave the National Dope Party (N.D.P.) and join the Marijuana Puffin Party of Canada?

• How much money have Bobama Rae, the Puffin Party or other government spending activists raised to derail Stéphane Dion's Green Shaft campaign?

• How do the Puffins still plan to use these secret funds now that they are beginning to distance themselves from their green activist supporters?

• How many other Puffin insiders have close ties with extreme wings of the secretive Maurice Strong Kyoto movement based at Harvard University?

• Where is Garth Turncoat hiding, and has he ever inhaled like Barack Obama?

• Will Backpack Boy be struck with a mysterious ailment next week just before the leaders debate, and his place taken by Bobama?

• Is there any hidden sexual or political meaning to the term "Come Clean"?

Keep on Puffin.
• N.D.P. News Release "Liberals Must Come Clean"
• Puffin Release: "Layton must come clean on Marijuana Party deal"

Friday, September 19, 2008

Arts vs Culture? Your Tax Dollars at Work

Look, I want to address this issue head-on. I know we're in the middle of an election campaign, and people expect goodies, and sponsorship, and many Canadian "artists", especially those working for Radio-Canada and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network, are complaining about the cuts to the foreign affairs artist travel program.

For example, here's a cruel but high production value clip starring all the major téléroman actors who have regular work on Radio-Canada. Some poor guy is forced to grovel before a bunch of evil anglo arts bureaucrats in Ottawa - real paranoid fantasy stuff. (Warning: F-Word, tasteless gestures, pathetic bilingualism):

The singer is some 70's pop star god named Rivard, yes, Rivard, Michel Rivard, maybe you've heard of him. And he's going on about a "phoque* en Alaska" - probably a tasteless reference to Governor Sarah Palin.

People, I share your pain. We're still trying to sort out all this sponsorship stuff from the Crouton and Dithers eras. For example, is Alfonso Gagliano's vineyard "Culture"? Beats me.

Anyhoo, we're doing a program review and may move some of this line item over to Canadian Heritage/Patrimoine canadien where it belongs, or replace it with something better. Because of the upcoming Olympics in Vancouver and needs in the immigrant community, we're trending a bit more toward sports and citizenship.

But look, it's not the end of the world if you can't attend that beach barbecue arts study session in Cuba.

Maybe the provinces could help out a bit here.... Hey, Charest, how about using some of that enormous Loto-Québec or Hydro-Québec jackpot money to help these poor arts people go play guitar with their friends in France? Maybe boost this program?

A friendly word of advice, Rivard. Maybe you'd have better luck if you sang about a Phoque en Nunavut.
*Sorry, it means "seal". Oh I get it. Ha Ha.
Postscript: Writing in La Presse, Nathalie Petrowski saw through the pathetic Rivard BS, calling his ad "a little intellectually dishonest," because it suggested Quebecers were targeted. Instead of coming across as a strong people "rebelling against an ideology," she wrote, the artists are "once again victims of a system that despises their language and their culture."

NDP Forced to Reap What it Sowed

The N.D.P. today announced the dropping of yet another stoner candidate trying to crack the political glass ceiling. Apparently one of these send-up artists was involved with the Vancouver Seed Bank, "a business that sells Peruvian coca seedlings." Uh-oh. I believe the Criminal Code of Canada addresses this kind of (agri)cultural activity. Here's National Dope Party leader Jack Layton in a day-glo vest trying to bogart some of the youth, back in 2003.

Jeez what a weird election this is turning out to be...
Video: DopeTV

Fanny & Freddy & Obama & Pals

This just in from the YouTube Monitoring Committee:

Whew, I sure hope the Puffins don't import this chapter of the Obama playbook.

So this is what's behind all those shenanigans on Wall Street......

PS: Top six members of Congress: campaign contributions from Lehman Brothers employees, 1989-2008

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y. $409,980
Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. $395,574
Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y. $181,450
Sen. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn. $165,800
Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn. $165,450
Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass. $151,664

New Nik Nanos Numbers

Not sure I like the latest numbers although it's more at the expense of the other guys.

[Leadership Index Score - Daily roll-up of all three measures]

Stephen Harper 103 (-2)
Stephane Dion 53 (+16)
Jack Layton 42 (-4)
Elizabeth May 11 (-4)
Gilles Duceppe 9 (-8)

There goes the weekend.

It's All Gerard Kennedy's Fault

As usual, Chantal Hébert hits the nail on the head:

"As the kingmaker at the convention that crowned Stéphane Dion, Kennedy is the person most responsible for the dynamics of the 2008 campaign.

His decision to bypass the two front-runners in favour of a Quebec dark horse has changed the shape of the election race among the five parties.

Had Kennedy made a different choice, the election might already have come and gone. ..."

I think it just delayed the coronation of Bobama/Ignatula.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Another reason to vote for the good guys - the NATIONAL DO NOT CALL LIST
Click HERE to sign up next week.

Sorry we had to exempt mainstream media, pollsters, political parties and other charities, but the need was just too great.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Elections Are Like Hockey Games

So here are a few friendly tips.

• 1) Keep your stick on the ice, and stick to the issues.

* 2) Put on your game face. Determined.

• 3) Keep the goofing for practice. Curb your charming sense of humour.

• 4) Follow your coach's orders.

• 5) Fighting is OK, but watch the instigator rule and don't attack the fans in the stands.

• 6) Talk to the nice journalists but don't get too pallsy.

• 7) Give the media the story they need, but not necessarily the one they want. For example, what story is a Canadian Press journo going to pick when given this choice: a) Gerry Ritz the Minister announcing a new program for PEI, or b) Sideshow Bob?

You guessed it.

I love you guys.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

As you know, I am a tremendous fan of US politics, which is more like CULTURE WARS.

Our neighbours to the south don't mess around when it comes to presidential elections. As their campaign moves forward, both sides are amassing lists of lies by the other candidate. Here are some of my favourites:

Obama WTF - documents Obama's lies - 124 and counting...

• The Democratic Party have just launched a McCainpedia to counter these allegations. No entries just yet.

• I also like Real Clear Politics - check out the George Will article.

What I find very interesting is the defection of some major Hillary supporters toward McCain-Palin. Check out this video of Lynn Forester De Rothschild, a self made woman who also happened to marry a Baron. She's talking with CNN's Wolf Blitzer:

I love her comments on wedge issues, for example, "the Democratic Party puts the choice issue around women's necks like a noose... Stop using that issue to scare people into voting for the Democratic Party."

Sound familiar?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Gerry, Apologize to Wayne

And wash your mouth out with Listerine. No more trash talking like Sean Avery, capiche?

Honest, the War Room Had Nothing to Do With This...

I'm really touched. At first I thought it might be Elizabeth May, who has already confessed she has a crush on me. But then I found it's inspired by a song written about Obama. Oh well.
But me, the Canadian Obama? Aw shucks no.

Wasp Flies by Stéphane Dion's Head

A solitary wasp, apparently attracted by what wasps are usually attracted by, flew by Stéphane Dion's head as he paused during a campaign stop in St. John's, Newfoundland, today. Maybe it was attracted by the presence of Bobama Rae, and wondered what all the buzz was about. Maybe it detected the faint odour of rotting fruit. Maybe it was a drone sent by Premier Williams.
Pix: Frank Gunn, CP. Congratulations, Frank, a dynamite shot, and I hope you get more of them. Let's make this an election campaign we all can enjoy!

Puffins Unleash Bobama Rae

After a less than impressive first week, the Puffin Brains Trust has unleashed their secret weapon - Bobama Rae, former NDP Premier of Ontario - to try and goose the campaign with his charm and good looks.

There's no denying he's an impressive orator, and we take his entry onto the stage very seriously indeed. But I hope undecided voters remember that in his first three years as Premier, Bobama took a popularity index of 52% all the way down to 6%, and saddled the working people of Ontario with billions in extra debt. He also placed a cap on enrollment into medical schools and nixed the construction of new nuclear plants in Ontario. You can read the whole sorry story HERE.

My point is, it looks like Bobama wants to drop the Green Shaft and go into a Bill Clinton "It's the economy, stupid" mode, but this is simply not credible coming from such an old time socialist.

The wondrously wise Chantal Hébert thinks featuring Bobama is a bad idea, and that "If the Liberals were serious about reversing the tide of the election campaign – and every poll indicates they should be – they would hide Bob Rae and pull Paul Martin from obscurity."
Pix: Wayne Cuddington/Canwest News Service

Obama With Media Disciples

Here's a lovely picture of THE EXPERIENCED ONE surrounded by his adoring media groupies. Apparently he's just cured little Chrissie Matthews of MSNBC of a shooting pain in his leg.

Sometimes I feel jealous that I don't have the same advantages of a tame press as they do in the US of A. Instead I have to deal with grumpy commentators like Andrew Coin.

Sorry kiddies, if I can figure out whether this loaves and fishes thing is better than free markets, I'll let you know. In the meantime, business as usual.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Gilles at the St-Tite Rodeo

Great Reuters shot of tanned and relaxed Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe on campaign, enjoying the bucking broncos at the Rodéo de St-Tite. Gilles, I'll say it again, it's still not too late to join the Parti Conservateur du Canada. But you'll have to ditch the pinko scarf and get a blue one.

Another Copyright Error by the Puffins

First it was Green Shift®, now it's Harpernomics™.

In a recent TV ad, the Puffin Party of Canada used the term "Harpernomics" without my permission and in an abusive and slanderous manner. This term was trademarked by me and first used almost a year ago in this column as a generic title for my lectures to Canadian socialists on economics, and how the world really works.

I'll see you in court, suckers.

McLuhan's Right - Let's Chat Instead

Look, I don't want to stand before a podium and tear Elizabeth May apart with my irrefutable logic. I like the woman. She's got spunk and spirit, even though her understanding of economics generally sucks needs correction.

Hey Steve Paikin. Are you listening? Why don't we all go over to 24 Sussex and have a pool party in Pierre's Piscine? We can send out for pizza, crack open a few brewskis, and just chat to the cameras about policy, and what's best for Canada (yes, and Québec, too). I'm buying.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Campaign of Fear Grips Nfld

Bob Fife reports that some Conservatives on the Rock have been told that "if you run we'll ruin your father's business."

Carefree Highway

Here I am in St. John's, tinkling the ivories for the poor journos with one of Laureen's favourites when we were courting - Gord Lightfoot's Carefree Highway. They wanted me to play Danny Boy, but I declined.

I'm a little nervous stepping on the Rock, and I find music calms me down. I hope it's contagious, because we're all tense about what the Premier will do next. Ever since Mr. Dithers was last here throwing around money, we've had nothing but bitterness, and it makes me nostalgic for the old days when we were a happy political family:
Pickin' up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream
I wonder how the old folks are tonight
Her name was Ann and I'll be damned if I recall her face
She left me not knowin' what to do
Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree Highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree Highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you

Turnin' back the pages to the times I love best
I wonder if she'll ever do the same
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied
With knowin' I got no one left to blame
Carefree Highway, got to see you my old friend
Carefree Highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree Highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you

Searchin' through the fragments of my dream-shattered sleep
I wonder if the years have closed her mind
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew
Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree Highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree Highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Let me slip away on you
Carefree Highway, got to see you my old friend
Carefree Highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree Highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you...

Here's to you, Gord, a great Canadian from Orillia, Ontario.
Pix: Chris Wattie, Reuters

Rex Murphy on Patriotism

"This 'standing up for Newfoundland' palaver is best administered in small doses, if at all. And it never fits the mouth of the person doing the 'standing up'. Furthermore, a difference of opinion, a clash of party interests, should never be categorized as a clash of patriotism. There is a jingoism of small places as well as of large. And Newfoundland is more susceptible to it than most. Newfoundlanders are ferociously fond of Newfoundland, but that very affection can play havoc with our judgment and our politics."

Thanks, Rex, I'm visiting the Rock this week, and I need all the help I can get. PS Sorry about the picture, but it's all I could find. Kind of shows you in your glory days, right? Laureen loves how the jacket almost matches your hair...
Source: Globe and Mail

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Jack Layton - Guns in the Street

Hey, here's the new Kneedipper French ad.

• Decent production values - check.

• Shores up the Paranoid Doper demographic - check. Like you can look at YouTube when you're stoned to find even more hidden meanings.

• Sucks up to the Québec artists who lost their travel junket money so the Tories could subsidize the goddam St-Tite rodeo - check. Love the broken guitar graphic.

• Creepy Coldplay type soundtrack - check.

• Whiney gay marriage message - check. C'mon people, we've crossed that bridge.

• Stephen Harper = George Bush - check. ZZZZZzzzzzzz...

• Kyoto, Oil Companies, Globalization - check.

• NDP = No Down Payment - check.

• Jack Layton popup as the Man From Glad - check.

Well done, boys and girls. This should cut into the Bloc and Liberal vote even more. If I were a betting man, I'd think maybe Mulcair will keep his seat, but that's about all.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A Little Respect, Please

People, this is a hockey game, and it's fine to check Stéphane into the boards and clear the front of our net by muscling out Jack, but PULEEEEZE, no jumping into the stands and assaulting the ticket buying fans.

Look, Sens goalie Ray Emery tried this rink rage crap last year, and where is he now? Playing in some Russian B league. Capiche?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Pig Headed Politics, Obama Style

Or should I say, pork barrel politics à la Chicago.

Elizabeth May, Liberal

Check out this debate with poor Warren Kinsella. Maybe she will be able to explain the Green Shift to Canadians....

Satire Has No Place in Canadian Politics

As many of you know, I have long been a fan of Justin Trudeau, and feel he would be a real ornament to the House of Commons, taking the debate out of the gutter where it is now stuck, stealing the limelight from Bobama Rae, and elevating all our thoughts towards higher goals. Kind of like what Barack THE ONE is doing in the States.

Why not take the time to read this well thought out personal message from his web site HERE?

I would also make it a point to avoid this scurrilous attack by some imposter, also on the Web (Caution: Inappropriate Language, F Word):

This kind of satire has no place in a Canadian election, and I would urge sensible Canadians to have nothing at all to do with it.
Source: Prenez Garde aux Chiens

Puffins More Juvenile Than Tories? You Be the Judge

Due to popular demand, I am uploading Darth Turncoat's original post*, to show how both parties are afflicted by juvenile over-enthusiasm. Click to expand:

* (since removed)
Here's the original Turner Report RSS feed received on our war room computer:

Curb the Enthusiasm, Guys

The Leader of the UGP (Unnatural Governing Party) has graciously accepted my sincere apology for the unseemly prank perpetrated by some of our over enthusiastic and over refreshed young Party workers. Yes the Puffin doo-doo graphic was pretty sophomoric, and I have told these people that they can do a lot better.

If I had my druthers, all this negative campaigning would not be needed. But it's the playoffs, right?

I must also remind you, dear readers, that we're not entirely to be blamed. The whole Puffin metaphor was dreamed up by Count Ignatula about a year ago on the Rock, when, after having consumed some screech, he innocently opined to a sympathetic reporter,

"They lay one egg each year. They put their excrement in one place. They hide their excrement.... They flap their wings very hard and they work like hell. This seems to me a symbol for what our party should be."

The problem is, comments like that tend to stick.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Installing Dion Servo-Controls

Apparently the Dion campaign is getting off to a rough start. First it was installing seats in the old carbon-spewing Air Inuit 737, lent to them by Senator Charlie Watt-Not, and getting rid of the faint tell-tale odour of muktuk so the journos don't throw up.

Now it seems the controls in the campaign Dion-a-Tron™ have been seizing up too. The picture shows Puffin operatives testing out a new speech-and-walk module on Parliament Hill.

I'd say this is the money shot of the whole campaign. And so early on too!

Demonize Stephen Harper Contest

The kids found this whopper on the Darth Turncoat site.* Of course Ben and his school friends think it's pretty cool. Not being a gamer myself, I'm not so sure.

Guy Giorno, who has had direct field experience dealing with the demonization of a guy name of Harris by the teachers unions of Ontario, feels that this is obviously the beginnings of a movement. But he nixed hiring a campaign exorcist.

Please send us any photoshop demonizations you find and we will publish them here. First prize is an absolutely FREE three month trial subscription to the online edition of Torostar. Second prize is an absolutely FREE six month trial subscription to the online edition of Torostar....
* (since removed)

Here We Go Again

I hope you like the new Softer Stephen©. It's the real me, at least when I'm at home with the kids. On the campaign trail I am a barracuda.

Hey Doug was approached by some freaks from San Francisco who wanted to sell us on the same hypno-political techniques used by Barack Obama, but he laughed in their face and told them to try Jack Layton's office.

As I have already noted, back in January Obama told his audience, "My job is to be so persuasive that if there's anybody left out there who is still not sure whether they will vote, or is still not clear who they will vote for, that a light will shine through that window, a beam of light will come down upon you, you will experience an epiphany … and you will suddenly realize that you must go to the polls and vote for Obama."

I tried channeling Obama, but sorry, I really couldn't keep a straight face.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Congratulations to John McCain & Sarah Palin

Hey, she's practically Canadian. I have a picture of Laureen gutting a fish I took this summer at the lake, but Doug says it's not appropriate campaign material.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Puffins Opt to Foul Own Nest

Lord knows I tried. I even asked Mackenzie King what to do using the old man's crystal ball - all he said was "make sure the budget is balanced, and do what's right for Canada."

As I see it, Backpack Boy doesn't care whether he wins or loses; it's how he plays the game. As long as he and Torostar are demonizing moi, Teflon Steve, they are happy. I am the demon of global warming. I am the demon of not following fixed election dates. I am the demon of our troops in Afghanistan. I am the demon who lets the rest of Canada treat Quebec as a nation. I am the demon who doesn't follow the political science curriculum. I am leader of the unnatural governing party.

What can you do with these people?

So I have a dilemma. Should I pull the trigger and let my Hon. friend flame out, at which point the Puffins will have a new leader in December? Or should I prorogue until after the US election, and come up with a modest recovery budget for poor old Ontario and Quebec, and see if we can go till October 2009?

Clearly Senator Smith and Bobama Rae's brother want Monsieur Clarté out of the leadership, and they certainly would vote with the Kneedippers against our righteous Tory government, but they can't bring us down without the Bloc, and the Bloc are down in Quebec. Why would Gilles want to go to the polls?

Conversely, Carney says we're in good shape. The US economy is not as bad as people thought, in spite of what Darth Turncoat is preaching.

The universe is unfolding as it should. The polls are showing the Puffin vote is starting to evaporate in the Maritimes, and seriously softening in 416 Trawna.

So I'm baffled by all the Puffin bravado. An election sure would clean the Puffin nest, but it could very well give us a majority.

So what would you do, Dear Diary?

God Bless Canada.
Puffin Poster by Canadian Union of Satiric Photoshoppers, after Thomas Eckersley

Monday, September 1, 2008

Bobama Rae Spouts Off

"There's no good faith on the part of the Prime Minister. He's running ads now, with people talking about how they're going to be voting for Stephen Harper, yadda yadda yadda," Liberal MP Bob Rae told CTV Newsnet. "The election campaign, in some sense, has already started."

With Bobama, it never ends. ZZZZZZzzzzzzz.....

Showdown at Sussex Drive

Well today's the day I have to drive down from the lake to meet Backpack Boy. Ugh. The guy was posturing about meeting the 9th instead of the 8th, and now he wants to meet today, on the nicest weekend of the summer. What a bummer.

I'm going to put it to him that if he wants to stay on as leader until October 2009, and hold off Rae and Ignatieff, I'll make it as easy as possible. All he has to do, in the words of the Rt. Hon. Person Who Should Not Be Named, is keep on his "best shit-eating grin" for another twelve months.

We can work this out. He and Baird and Liz May's new guy can together develop a new non-partisan climate change/global cooling program for Canadians, and we'll put it into a Speech from the Throne.

In a weakening economic climate, this is not the time for posturing. This is the time for helping all Canadians.

Now I've got Mackenzie King's real crystal ball in my office, with a fake duplicate now at Laurier House (made for me by some Turks west of Ankara), I'll have a much better handle on these Puffins, particularly the bozos in the 416 area.
Pix: CP. Is that the best you can do, guys?