Friday, September 21, 2007

We've Got to do Something about the Polar Bear

Baird sent me these latest statistics about the out-of-control growth of our polar bear population. It seems that in places like Vancouver having a bearskin on your floor is a sin, so the market has tanked. Besides, the Inuit aren't shooting enough of them. As one guy in Nunavut told me, "Why should I risk my eskimo ass going after one of these beasts in a blizzard when I can work for CBC, roar around town on the 4-wheel and play video games with my kids."

Experts are now saying that if this growth continues, the big white bears will eat every seal from Hudson Bay to the North Pole, which will cause an environmental catastrophe of biblical proportions because then the fish population will explode too. Scary.

We're going to set up research chairs in every major university to come up with a solution. Baird thinks maybe we can tell the Chinese that polar bear penis is an aphrodisiac. I'll also try and get the UN to address this crisis in my speech there next week, although it may clash with my meeting with the Council on Foreign Relations. Brian says take door #2.