The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: Whoops, Hold the Election

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Whoops, Hold the Election

Having spent endless months trying desperately to demonize moi, Teflon Steve, the New Puffin Party of Canada - owners of the "We're the Nice Guys" brand* - is once again back under a cloud, courtesy the Royal Canadian Horsemen.

Apparently the authorities want to go "higher up" in the Puffin hierarchy in their search for the truth - i.e. where did all that taxpayer money go? In that matter I have insisted that our Office "take the high road". That means no more joking about bank accounts in Central America and the like. Keep your sticks on the ice, please. That's an order.

How high can they go? It's getting so bad that even "modern-day Machiavelli" and Chrétien linguistic prognosticator Warren Kinsella, exiled in Toronto but desperate to get back into the national game, is giving FREE advice to the Puffins in the form of media talking points:

- "We’'ve said it before and we’ll say it again: if someone broke the law, they should go to jail." Check. Stay on message, whatever.
- "The RCMP are professionals – they are not people who engage in “stunts” or threatening behaviour – and we will cooperate with them fully, like we have in the past." Check.• Don't flip them the bird, whatever you do.
- "The Liberal Party knows very well the importance of transparency and ethicality. Canadians deserve that, and will get that from the new Liberal team." Check. Yep, Change You Can Believe in.

Check, Warren. This is rad. Like, rage against the machine. Well done. That ought to keep the journos off the case and happily quaffing back the suds at D'Arcy McGee's.

Cartoon: Graeme Mackay

*©Bobama Rae

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)