What Do I have to Do to Get a Break in this Town?

Jeez, I appoint the Duffster to the Senate and I get a whole pile of complaints that I have ruined people's evening TV viewing.

I guess they prefer Mike Duffy Live to Mike Duffy Embalmed.

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Pix: Mike With Hair: Canadian Communications Foundation

We're Installing Radical New Political Technology in the PMO

And here it is. Our brand new Canuckistan III BS Detector that will help us deal with Puffinomics outbreaks. It will also tell us precisely when Count Ignatula and Bobama Rae are telling the truth about voting to keep us in power.Thanks to all the party's political engineers involved in producing this cool little device, which has an array of infrared, organic odour, climate change, political correctness and other sensors. This baby is Canadian made, and about the size of a BlackBerry.

We're equipping all Conservative Party MPs with the device, so they can stay alert, and also practice being sincere without smelling of BS. Or conversely, be able to spout BS when needed.

We may also be able to use it in upcoming trade negotiations with the Americans, Europeans and Chinese. I may try it out with King's crystal ball, to see if the old guy is telling the truth about how he kept Canada's credit strong during the 1930s.

God I love this country!

Merry Christmas Everybody

Hey, speaking of gifting, maybe we can build something like this?

A Productive Meeting

My first meeting with the Count was productive. I was delighted to see he knew where to find me, and he was right on time.

First we went outside into the hot blazing sun. Then at the count of three, we turned, walked fifty faces back and turned to face each other. He squinted at me and spat in the dust. I returned a fierce Bondian glare, my right hand in my pocket gripping my Flaherty PPK. This went on for thirty minutes. I kept my cool but I could tell he was perspiring slightly. Then he blurted out, "I don't need any lessons in legitimacy from you, Harper." And then it was over.

Talk Tough Like Mike

Want to get Iggy with it?

Count Ignatula has already reached back almost to Lester Pearson and hired Toronto guru and policoach Patrick Gossamer, fabricator of the original Trudeau gunslinger image (right).

Gossamer has clearly been coaching the Count on how how to talk tough. Apparently the journos love it, especially the female ones. Here's a sample from his first day before the cameras:

“I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”

“He knows where to find me.”

A promising start. Look also for Ignatula to surround himself with beautiful women and potted plants.

This and the institutionalization of Susan Delacarte happily marks the end of the Demonize Stephen Harper! program, which, let's face it, was a total bust.

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BTW, we're starting a new right side column with some of the more flavourful examples of Talk Tough Like Mike. Enjoy.

Your contributions gratefully accepted.

A Valium Leader Takes Charge

So the Coalition of the Damned™ is dead. Excellent travail, Sir, and now we can get down to work spreading the blessings of Harpernomics to Canadians.

You're almost there. You support low taxes, limited government spending, and so on. Flaherty can help you fill in the blanks. Welcome aboard!

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PS: We loved your press conference, and the office had a good laugh as you piled on Grit cliché after Grit cliché. A masterful job. We especially liked your heartwarming reminiscence about your uncle's Quebec dairy farm, and the delicious odours. Much like Question Period on a rough day, right?

One cynical staffer quipped that maybe you were “born in a manger”, but we'll leave that one for the Justin Child, descendant of the Templars. One of our weirder researchers/ conspiracy theorists suggested, with a straight face, mind you, that you were like a political John the Baptist, sent to prepare the way for His ascension.

Mea Culpa

It looks like Groundhog Day has come early.

I suppose if I hadn't been so interventionist, Count Ignatula wouldn't have come to lead the Puffin Party of Canada - the party he founded in the summer of 2007 - so easily and so early, and I would still be facing Backpack Boy. But that's politics.

Now we're back to the same old grinding battle, facing a dead broke opposition whose only policy is to say we are doing nothing and I am a bully.

Oh, and the usual piffle from the Ignatula blog: "Harper has created uncertain economic times. They inherited a $12 billion federal surplus and they've spent it down to the red line of deficit."

The Count spoke of the Puffin as "a symbol for what our party should be" - "They put their excrement in one place. They hide their excrement. They flap their wings very hard and they work like hell."

I predict the difference under his leadership will be, the excrement will be better hidden.

Susan Delacarte to Reboot Career

Word just came over the transom that Puffin cheerleader cum journonanny Susan Delacarte has had another "incident" caused by demonization possession, and will be recuperating at Toronto's Messy College, where old Puffins go to lay their eggs.

Apparently my successful prorogation of Parliament was too much for her, and she lost it in the Torostar cafeteria, throwing plates of damp adjectives at the other pitiful #1 Yonge St. wretches.

I think I speak for none of my peers when I send her our heartfelt wishes for a long and thorough exorcism.

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This just in: Apparently there is a ferocious bidding war by McClellan & Stewpit for her forthcoming memoir, "That Stephen Harper is SUCH a Big US-Style Schoolyard Bully!"

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Pix: Macleans's snapshot from the Torostar Christmas Party; Mister Dithers is trying to "intervene" and reason with Susan to remove the US flag, which she has not taken off since November 4, to celebrate Obama's victory. Apparently she is hoping to attend the Obamaguration, and will remove the garment as soon as he is sworn in.

I'm Such a Bully and I'm Crushing Your Head

Laureen and I were just relaxing and watching Mike Duffy Live last night before the Sens game, and the Duffster had on four Puffin talking heads, including the oily, unctuous, oleagenous Bobama Rae, and guess what, ALL OF THEM said that Stephen Harper is "bullying" the House of Commons.

More and more Canadians are finding this mantra really tiresome. I know the theory, repeat the Big Lie long enough and soon enough people will believe it.

Clearly, through lack of any real policy to fight the downturn, you gang of losers have fallen back on good old let's demonize Yours Truly.

All I can say is, "You flatheads, I'm crushing your head."



Can't you people even be ORIGINAL? I guess not. Let me help you out. First, go to the Susan Delacarte Attack Thesaurus below right. Pick a set of three adjectives, and try to pack them into one sentence, like, I don't know,

"Stephen Harper is ___________, and he's just trying to be _________ with the tax dollars of working Canadians, who think he is so ______. Nanny nanny boo boo."

There, feel better?

Don't blame me if this kind of moronic demonization fails to convince Canadians that you're fit to govern.

Adieu, Stéphane

Vaya con Dios and I hope we continue to see you on the front bench. Sorry you never got to be PM, but the job's mine.

You have been treated shabbily, during the Puffins' time in the penalty box, and now they think Canadians have forgiven them, they toss you out like a piece of old Kleenex. Pathetic.

So it's going to be me vs. Count Ignatula, mano a mano. I can handle that. At least I don't have to face Bobama Rae in the next election. That would be shooting fish in a barrel.

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Pix:Christopher Pike/Reuters

An Important Message for Puffins Thinking of Defecting

Take a number.

No seriously, the response has been overwhelming. One of our tame historians has said this situation is "similar in scope and impact to Robert Borden's wartime unity coalition."

If you want to do the dirty deed, act now and send your CV to Kevin at the PCO. We may have to open up some Minister of State positions. No limo, sorry, but perhaps a fine mid-range Ford, GM or Chrysler vehicle with driver. If you act now we can get you a premium late-model upgrade from Flaherty Motors in Oshawa, OAC.

Out.

We Can Work With the Coalition of the Damned

Darned right we can. Have your war room contact our war room.

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Cartoon: Graeme Mackay, The Hamilton Spectator

Marde de Taureau

The estimable Terry Corcoran comments today that "The Flaherty update contained ideas on taxes, spending, infrastructure, deficits and government waste that are sound conservative policy options. It was reasonably based on actual economic forecasts rather than the calamitous and opportunistic speculations of opposition politicians who are looking for a new excuse to bring back massive government spending."

He is calling the new Dion musical "a page from the work of the greatest academic authority on the subject, Princeton philosopher Harry Frankfurt, author of the 2005 best-seller, On Bullshit. Liars, says Prof. Frankfurt, need to know the truth. Bullshitters, interested solely in advancing their own agenda, have no use for the truth. They just make things up to win over their audience."

Mangeur de Hot Dog

Jolly Jacques Parizeau, French vineyard owner and former Parti Québécois premier of Quebec, said that “The fact that the Bloc got Stéphane Dion to sign a political accord in which it is explicitly written that he undertakes to act in partnership with Canadians and the Québécois should bring a smile to the face of many sovereigntists.” He also said a coalition government would be weaker than he one led by Yours Truly, a prospect he said was “eminently satisfying.”

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Pix: Graeme Mackay, Hamilton Spectator

Time For a Unity Government

I hear cooler heads in the Ignatieff camp feel they were "mouse-trapped" by Backpack Boy, and don't want to have anything to do with the Coalition of the Damned.™

Well done, fellas, come on over for a while until we can root out these evil people. If you want to stay, fine. Canada First, right?

Then we'll have an election to clear the air.

Let's Have a French-Style Runoff Election

This is getting goofier and goofier. Someone else emailed me, suggesting we move toward runoff elections like the French.

Come to think of it, it may not be a bad idea.

After election #1, we could ditch the third place parties, i.e. the Bloc and NDP, and a week later have the real Mexican standoff, mano a mano, just me and Dion in the hot sun.

The way things are going, something like this may happen anyway. Just me, and the Coalition of the Damned. Winner take all.

Memo to Self: Call Sarko and find out how it is done.

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Goofy Catches a Fish ©Walt Disney

Constitutional Convention of the Damned

I am told by my experts down the hall that Her Excellency Mme. Jean cannot change her Prime Minister unless there are extraordinary circumstances. Only an election can do that.

Essentially she is obliged to act on my advice, for example if I ask for dissolution of the House. The exceptions are pretty limited - breakdown of the government, major crisis, me going insane, and so on.

But there are no extraordinary circumstances, except the coalition's new found lust for power, enabled by Gilles Duceppe, who has not officially joined the Coalition of the Damned™, committing only to vote for the budget and Speech from the Throne for 18 months.

Dion and Layton, with their 114 seats and 44% of the vote, claim their legitimacy rests on some kind of emergency. But the opposition has already debated and voted for our legislative program as set out in the throne speech. We now have the confidence of the House.

So, my friends, they are being too clever by half, even more so if they take this to the Supreme Court of Canada, which clearly they intend to do.

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Pix: ATTILA KISBENEDEK/AFP/Getty Images

Fall on My Sword

I'm getting all sorts of advice. Another friend says fall on your sword right away, and let the Coalition of the Damned™ drive Canada into a ditch, as they are sure to do.

I replied that the stakes are too high for the country, and we have to fight as long as we can, and we shall NEVER SURRENDER.

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Pix: Serge Chapleau, La Presse

Not a Real Coalition?

One of my wise friends just emailed me on BlackBerry #2, and said, you're toast, but drag it on as long as you can, then to hell with them, because you will have done all you can for the health of the Canadian economy. All the Coalition of the Damned™ will do is drive up the deficit and the GST.

He said this is not a real coalition, without Duceppe or any bloquistes in Cabinet. It is rotten fruit, and it will fall within the year.

Maybe so, but the confidence of the House is the confidence of the House.

I don't think this government is toast, but I'm afraid these opposition shenanigans are going to drive us into an election we don't need.

More later.

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Pix: Serge Chapleau, La Presse - When Reality is Stranger Than Fiction. ("Stéphane, in the end I have always been a fan of your Clarity Act")

Political Whores

I raised Mackenzie King on the crystal ball last night, but sorry to say, the session didn't last long. "Political whores!' he sputtered, and disappeared in a cloud of sparks and smoke.

A certain ex Prime Minister was more soothing. "First of all, this is not a fait accompli, as the three stooges pretend. Also 74% of the voters did not vote for M. Dion. Look, I'll see what I can do to help," he purred. "I have no doubt there are some rogue Bloquistes and Liberals who are yearning for a dose of reality."

"When it's clear you're going to prorogue," he went on, "all hell will break loose. Are you sure you want to go through with this?" "Of course." "Then go to the House and stay cool and let them rage and roar like schoolyard brats."

"They really hate your guts, don't they?" "Yep." "Well that means you're doing something right. I found the louder they complain the better you are doing. Anyway, you exposed them as political welfare bums who couldn't raise a dime on the streets, and that's something. And young Justin Trudeau's father is rolling in his grave."

"Plus you obviously scared Gilles Duceppe to death."

"I'll get back to you soon."

Socialist Heaven?

Well, I underestimated that crafty old Maoist Gilles. And look where he's got us all. Deep in Socialist Heaven.

The only responsible way for this government to proceed now is to prorogue and work flat out with Ontario to help the automakers avoid going belly up. Then reboot with Speech From the Throne #2 at the end of January, and if the Coalition of the Damned holds up, we'll have to go to the people again. Maybe some cooler heads in the opposition will come to reason and join us before then.

Otherwise it's Tax and Spend Heaven, and the ruin of Canada.

Tomorrow: A lot of people want me to resign right now. That's an option, but I'm going to contact an ex-PM and ask his advice, and then have a session with Mackenzie King's crystal ball. Stay tuned.

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Pix: Chris Wattie, Reuters

The Universe is Unfolding...

Hopefully as it should. Let me see. What have I accomplished here?

1) I need a docile House of Commons to solve this crisis, and I'm betting that terrifying the Bloc and Puffins with the threat of an election will do the trick. An election would of course bankrupt them.

2) I need the support of Gilles Duceppe, since the poor guy holds the balance of power. Will I get it? Time will tell. At least I know that he will not pull the plug in an "alliance" with the Puffins and N.D.P. (New Dope Party). To his credit, he said he never would do this. So he'll bide his time, and meanwhile I will try not to piss him off too much. [Update: OK I eat my words]

Other side benefits:

1) The Puffins and N.D.P. showed their true colours, that they are just two sides of the same so-called "progressive" movement. But Jack Layton as Finance Minister? Flahery nearly fell off his chair when he heard this.

2) This will make it harder for the Puffins to get donations from the centre. Their credibility is pretty shot, and our Reality Party of Canada will emerge even stronger.

Nothing like a little cat among the pigeons, er puffins, to get the session off to a good rollicking start.

Now, to prorogue or not to prorogue? Do Canadians really want to see the opposition whining and pulling their hair and giving yours truly a hard time in this our holiday season? Or do they want to enjoy themselves?