The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: A Valium Leader Takes Charge

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Valium Leader Takes Charge

So the Coalition of the Damned™ is dead. Excellent travail, Sir, and now we can get down to work spreading the blessings of Harpernomics to Canadians.

You're almost there. You support low taxes, limited government spending, and so on. Flaherty can help you fill in the blanks. Welcome aboard!

PS: We loved your press conference, and the office had a good laugh as you piled on Grit cliché after Grit cliché. A masterful job. We especially liked your heartwarming reminiscence about your uncle's Quebec dairy farm, and the delicious odours. Much like Question Period on a rough day, right?

One cynical staffer quipped that maybe you were “born in a manger”, but we'll leave that one for the Justin Child, descendant of the Templars. One of our weirder researchers/ conspiracy theorists suggested, with a straight face, mind you, that you were like a political John the Baptist, sent to prepare the way for His ascension.

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)