The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: Curb the Enthusiasm, Guys

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Curb the Enthusiasm, Guys

The Leader of the UGP (Unnatural Governing Party) has graciously accepted my sincere apology for the unseemly prank perpetrated by some of our over enthusiastic and over refreshed young Party workers. Yes the Puffin doo-doo graphic was pretty sophomoric, and I have told these people that they can do a lot better.

If I had my druthers, all this negative campaigning would not be needed. But it's the playoffs, right?

I must also remind you, dear readers, that we're not entirely to be blamed. The whole Puffin metaphor was dreamed up by Count Ignatula about a year ago on the Rock, when, after having consumed some screech, he innocently opined to a sympathetic reporter,

"They lay one egg each year. They put their excrement in one place. They hide their excrement.... They flap their wings very hard and they work like hell. This seems to me a symbol for what our party should be."

The problem is, comments like that tend to stick.

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)