The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: On the Make

In the interests of perfect clarity and transparency, I think it's time to share with you some of the preliminary facts and quirky details unearthed by our crack undercover research team on that alleged journalist Steffie Camero (left, doing her best Nelly McClung impression), and others who will soon be paraded before Canadians in our version of a show trial.

It really is no surprise that the crew came up with some fascinating nuggets on the woman who it turns out is a fully fledged wannabe Puffin operative with a dark and sordid past.

"A Journalist Possessed"

1) Genetics - Her father, an American pilot named Whitey Dahl, was a real whacko, a con artist, gambler and fellow traveller right out of a pulp novel. Born in Champagne, Illinois, he joined the US Air Corps, then got hired for $1,500 a month by the Commie side in the Spanish Civil War. Back in the US in 1940, he was arrested for passing bad cheques. He then hightailed it to Canada to escape his debtors, and served in the Commonwealth Air Training Plan in Trenton and Camp Borden, where he married Steffie's mother, daughter of the Mayor of Belleville. After the war, Whitey was cashiered out of the RCAF for theft of firearms and other military goodies to sell on the black market. In 1951 he got a job with Swissair, but in 1953 he was caught stealing gold bars with a girlfriend and was expelled from the country, at which point Steffie's mother divorced him. Forced to work as a bush pilot in Frobisher Bay, he died in a crash landing when Steffie was just 12 years old. (Jeez no wonder she hates guys who "roll the dice" - Ed)

2) Education - UBC, then Cordon Bleu School - Started her career in food journalism at the Ottawa Petfinder and Torostar. Knows how to puff up a mean soufflé with nothing but a few eggs - the secret is you have to whip it hard and butter the dish. This served her well when she switched to political journalism.

3) Indoctrination - Infected by several years at the Torostar, where she got her Grit chip implant, she was then immersed in that self righteous, paranoid politburo - yes, the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network (CPAN). Energetic and always ready for a scrap, she gravitated to the hard hitting Pissed Estate investigative journalism wing and naively got sucked into the Airbust Crusade - a secret "deep cover" project possibly run by Mark Lalond designed to keep one particular "German-Canadian businessman" out of harm's way. Spoonfed original "research" leaked to the team by double "dope" dealers, she developed a serious hate on for The Person Who Must Not Be Named and whipped it into a best selling fiction/non-fiction pulp puff piece. Apparently she ~~did some research~~ answered some questions for the RCMP, which got her noticed at literary cocktail parties.

4) Liberalization - Became a certified pompom waving cheerleader for the Puffin Party of Canada:
- Jean Chrétien: lilywhite, good and pure, a real swell petit gars de Shawinigan and a loving caring human being.
- Person Who Must Not Be Named: A horrible, evil and corrupt US-style politician, a rotten bastard from Baie Comeau who stabbed the poor in the back and despised journalists.

The really pathetic thing is, Steffie actually believed this claptrap.

5) Marital - Married up. Her spousal unit David Camero is a respected U of T political scientist from an old BC Puffin family. David worked in Ottawa, then for our old friends David Peterson and Bob Rae. He's a long time pal of Backpack Boy!

6) Redemption/Positive Spin - Because of her work with the poor and the homeless, Steffie has been blessed as an elder in St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church in downtown Toronto. Perhaps now she has exhausted all other avenues she will become a Woman of the Cloth like my secret admirer Elizabeth May. Maybe she's already involved in BPB's Miracle Poverty Cure.

Anyhoo, Conservatives will soon have the immense pleasure of seeing Steffie explain before a judge how Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network taught her to turn eggs into soufflé.

End of Part I of this Gripping Series. Next up - Alain Roque, followed by the Pissed Estate.

All tips and corrections gratefully accepted.