The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: Three Amigos Fail Due Diligence Test

Friday, December 7, 2007

Three Amigos Fail Due Diligence Test

As an amateur historian of our national game of shinny, and as an outsider in this whole German-Canadian Businessman saga, I was naturally curious as to how the whole grudge match started, since it's clear the old G-CB rascal was handing out largesse to both Grits and PCs pretty much equally.

So I asked Kevin to put his best team of PCO researchers on the case, to brief me.

Well Franko and Fanny went to work with Google and Wikipedia, and we've got a preliminary report I'd like to share with you today.

It now seems clear that the whole dirty business started in 1988, when the G-CB started telephoning alleged food journalista Steffie Camero, while at the same time another mysterious personage was dumping over the transom scores of scribbled notes and private bank account records.

Whoever could this be? Enemies of Airbus or Thyssen? Chirac? The Americans? The Dreaded Stasi? Helmut Kohl's operatives? Victims of the G-CB? The German-Canadian himself, in a form of revenge against The Person Who Must Not Be Named? Perhaps G-CB's own enemies, like the odious Swiss clockmaker Giorgio Pelossi? Curiouser and curiouser.

Anyway, Steffie got so turned on by the Swiss stuff she ran and told her amigo Dimlid HackIntyre at the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network (CPAN) (the guy with the psychedelic tie, left), who pulled together a crack investigative cult led by a community college hand-held video student named Harvey Cash-Whore that Steffie knew from UBC days. Cash-Whore was the son of BC NDP Minister of Aboriginal Affairs ohn Cash-Whore. Also brought on board was Howie Goldenbaal - this Pissed Estate Airbust Researcher/Producer also spins "progressive" anti-Israel book reviews in Toronto Birdcage liner giveaway NOW-L.

This was the gang's chance to play Watergate-style heroes and maybe score a few CPAN expense account trips to a certain mountainous country in Europe with lax banking laws, great shopping and a very nice ambience.

It seems Steffie got into a bit of a courtroom bother - probably something to do with due diligence and the quality of her sources - but over the next few years the Three Amigos dragged it out into a string of Jiminy-award winning Pissed Estate shows and lame investigative pot-boilers. And it was all to kneecap that evil, nasty PC leader, The Person Who Must Not be Named, and restore the Natural Governing Party to its rightful place leading Canada forward in Grit Glory and keeping peace in the world in the name of Saint Lester and Saint Pierre. Whew.

I must say I'm fascinated by the fact that these dedicated little weenies never went after the German-Canadian's largesse toward Grits, only PCs. And yet after the departure of The Person Who Must Not be Named from office, the German-Canadian continued irrigating the new Créton gang. the same bunch who decided to break their election promises and KEEP the GST because it was a perfectly executed and efficient tax that would make Finance Minister Paulie look like a tough deficit-tamer in the eyes of Canadians.

So word went out to the old Pissed Estate Team to go into hibernation, stand down, and return to doing hard hitting consumer stories about the dangers of skate sharpeners and mouth guards. Sic transit gloria mundi, as Tom used to say.

So reading over this report, the whole thing smells like Puffin poo-poo to me, and it's becoming increasingly clear that this whole Airbust campaign was led by a very deep cover Grit Party Dirty Tricks Team smearing its way into Canadian hearts through the so-called public broadcaster (don't you mean the private broadcaster of the Puffins? - Ed).

It's also clear that these three amigos were recently slapped back into action and brought into Backpack Boy's office to ratchet up the old Karlheinz charade and spin it into a major Plan Smear Harper exercise. The aim being to rescue the Puffins from a fate worse than death - I mean losing an estimated 40 seats in the next election.

It's pretty pathetic, but gripping drama at the same time, if you like this sort of thing. Will Canadians buy the agitprop? More as this develops.

Pix:CBC, Puffin Party Archives

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)