The Secret Diary of Stephen Harper: McGuilty as Hell!

Monday, October 8, 2007

McGuilty as Hell!

Jeez I nearly upchucked my Thanksgiving cruller when I read that Dalton McGuilty is whining to the press about Tory's attempt to inject some seriousness into the provincial campaign. Apparently McGuilty took personal umbrage at Tory's classic "mean bastard" attack ad that accused him of suing parents with autistic children.

I called Brian immediately. "I HATE attack ads," I said. "Calm down, Stephen," he rumbled. "I know John Tory is not shall we say unacquainted with attack ads from his days handling the Kim Campbell campaign. But times have changed. The electorate is far more sophisticated today, and they won't put up with this kind of hypocrisy, right my friend?"

I'm not convinced. People like Kinsella and his punk friends still make me nervous. I've been there, and I suspect some of McGuilty's handlers are the same inane idiots who came out with those paranoid Liberal ads in the 2006 campaign. Remember? I had made a common-sense proposal to station military personnel around cities, in case of potential natural disasters or other situations like a terrorist attack. Scary, right? So anyway, the adverdopers went to work. Cue the sound of war drums beating... "Stephen Harper actually announced he wants to increase military presence in our cities. Canadian cities. Soldiers with guns. In our cities. In Canada. We did not make this up."

This intellectual abscess was SO BAD that even the sleaziest Grit realized we had passed a watershed in Canadian civic discourse. It was so pathetic that even Paulie ordered it cut, but by that time he was out of control himself, throwing grants and programs at everybody, foaming at the mouth, deranged by all that GST money pouring in. Nobody was listening any more.

Let's face it, the Grit War Room was totally zouin-zouin in 2006. I'm not making this up. There's more here.

Anyway, this ad will be studied in Political Science classes for generations. It marked the true nadir of Canadian political campaigning, and all decent parliamentarians realized we had nowhere to go but up.

So stop whining McGuilty! This is NOTHING compared to what I had to face.

Talk Tough Like Mike

•“Look, this is America and you have to decide what kind of country you want. This is your country as much as it is mine.” - 2004
*"Look, if I lose, I'll just move back to Massachusetts." - to the Harvard Crimson newspaper - 2006
*“If you mess with me, I’ll mess with you until I’m done.”
• "You're looking at someone who turned down the chance to become Prime Minister of Canada, and I did so, in part, because I felt it would divide the country."
• “I don’t need any lessons in legitimacy from Harper.”
• “He knows where to find me.”
• "He's creating a parliamentary crisis and dividing the country."
• "It’s his budget, not mine."
• "It's up to Harper to make the right decision and up to me to decide if he made it."
• "We're putting the government on probation."
•"Mr. Harper, your time is up.”
*"This is a prime minister who a year ago was trying to make you embarrassed if you liked opera or classical music or the ballet or poetry. I mean, come on, let's get over this. You can like hockey, you can like classical music. Let's stop playing Canadian against Canadian and taste against taste."

The Susan Delacarte Stephen Harper Attack Thesaurus (Under Construction)