Liberal Leadership Convention May 2009

I have come under a lot of gentle ribbing around the office for my prediction of a 2009 Puffinfest in Toronto where Bobama Rae or Count Ignatula will win the leadership after a gripping battle with Martha Hall Monitor, Justin TrueDoh and Gerry F. Kennedy.

I'm sticking to my guns, and recent evidence suggests I am right:

• The Count was furious over a report on his misgivings about Backpack Boy in La Presse; he had to issue a release stating categorially that it was a pack of lies; (Memo to Mikey - the election campaign starts today; no telling the truth to reporters.)

• Senator Smith and John Rae unveiled a new tougher "Gunslinger" Stéphane in a meeting in Montréal yesterday. Hilarious, but necessary.

• Our sources tell us the word is going out that the Party will brook no more dissension and lack of discipline (i.e. bitching to reporters), or miscreants will not be around to reap the spoils of "the glorious victory that will at last be ours"...

I guess it's go into your holes until roughly January 2009, when Backpack Boy will announce his resignation.

So much for the Puffin Youth Movement:

So dear readers, look for a BORING nine months.

Except for the new front four facing me and trying to give me a hard time - Martha, Iggy & Bobama, with Dion gradually fading into nothingness.

And not forgetting the US election, which will give the poor journos something to chew on.

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My prediction for Puffin Saviour: Bobama Rae, because he knows when to keep his mouth shut, and knows how to say absolutely nothing with perfect sincerity.

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Pix: Iggy doing his best John Kerry impression (Canadian Union of Satiric Photoshoppers); Getty Images (Simon Hayter)

Pity for the Puffins

It is with a great deal of genuine sympathy that I note the current potentially fatal travails of the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition. I mean this sincerely.

You know the history. In his first year in the job, Monsieur Clarté surrounded himself with political theoreticians, and his office very quickly imploded. Senator Smith and John Rae had to move in, de-foul the nest, and get the bird flying again.

These old operatives quickly got under way a major poll-swaying operation, led by the usually reliable tame journos at Torostar and the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network. First it was a gripping replay of the Schreiber Show, then the cunningly crafted Cadman Exhumation, then the hilarious NAFTAgate exposé.

Nothing worked.

Count Ignatula was sent door-to-door. Fundraising stalled.

The polls budged a few degrees, then slid back.

Party propagandists grew weary, and yearned for a Canadian Obama. But Backpack Boy stubbornly refused to fall on his sword.

So what to do? I've been wracking my brains over this one, but have finally figured out the plan.....

The obvious near-term answer? Bite the bullet, stay in the House for a non-confidence motion, fight an election, and get Backpack Boy defeated.

But it's getting a little late in the day for that, and besides, there is no money to fight an election. Even if there were, Smith and Rae are clearly terrified at the prospect of losing 30 or 40 more seats to moi, Teflon Steve.

I'm convinced, Dear Diary, that Senator Smith and John Rae have come to the conclusion that the best course of action is a leadership convention about 5 months before October 2009, the fixed date for the next federal election. So Stéphane stays in harness, gradually fading into the woodwork as the journos get increasingly obsessed with the US election, then quietly resigns in about January 2009.

At the same time Smith and Rae are working flat out to manufacture a tight three way race among Gerry F. Kennedy, Bobama Rae and Count Ignatula, with Martha Hall Monitor and maybe Liza Frulla there for the ladies, and Justin TrueDoh for the youth, spouting Yes We Can Obamaisms ad nauseam, and may the best Puffin win.

Of course, the excitement generated by this convention - held in Toronto in about May 2009 - will be so profund that the journalists will be wetting themselves with relief, money will again flow, and the Puffins, so the theory goes, will win the next election in a walk.

Hey it might work, but don't quote me...

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Dion Pix: Fred Chartrand, CP

More Obamamania - Faking Out America

"My job is to be so persuasive that if there's anybody left out there who is still not sure whether they will vote, or is still not clear who they will vote for, that a light will shine through that window, a beam of light will come down upon you, you will experience an epiphany … and you will suddenly realize that you must go to the polls and vote for Obama." - Barack Obama, January 7.

This guy's not a healer, he's a sick-maker. It's called Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). Look it up on Google. Obama is a walking, talking practitioner.

Apparently, the national hypnotism is being engineered by the Democrats' "Fake-Out America" adviser, Berkeley linguistics professor George Lakoff.

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This just in: surprise, surprise, Warren Kinsella has swallowed the Kool-Aid as well!

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Former NDPer Elected

I'm sorry to announce that the oleagenous Bobama Rae, whose brother John lent him $700,000 to run for the Puffin leadership, has been elected to the House of Commons.

This is good news for the people of Toronto, who have sent Rae packing on several occasions, but this is not good news for viewers of Question Period, who will now be treated to endless sanctimonious meandering, and all with a straight face, set with predictable outrage.

I wonder if he will have anything new to say on "CadScam" and "NAFTAgate", two phony scandals that are well past their due date? I cannot comment further on matters that are before the courts.

The Dangerous Rhetoric of Barry Obama

"Equality means that a black demagogue who has been exposed as a phony deserves exactly the same treatment as a white demagogue who has been exposed as a phony." - Thomas Sowell

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This Obamaman is worse than a Bible Belt preacher. He doesn't give speeches, he turns people into zombies. He truly knows how to use hypnotic language to mess with his audience.

What are we to make of this statement: "It will light upon you," he said. "You will experience an epiphany. And you will say to yourself, I have to vote for Barack. I have to do it."

Yes master.... Must go vote... Must go vote...

Pathetic. Soon people will be fainting in the aisles and speaking in tongues.

And check out the Pepsi-style logo. It stands for, "Drink the Almighty Obama Kool-Aid."

Puffins Max Out their Amex Cards

Sandra just pointed out that Backpack Boy is claiming to have enough funding to fight an election, cause it only takes $18 million, and they have set up a line of credit for exactly that amount.

It really saddens me to see the once great Puffin Party of Canada forced to grovel before hard-hearted bank managers. My heart goes out to my esteemed Parliamentary colleagues just across the floor of the House of Commons. And bravo Senator Smith and John Rae for getting this train wreck off the ground and producing some really cool demonization of Yours Truly - "NAFTAgate" and "CADSCAM" were really triumphs of political black art.

Doug made a tasteless joke about the collateral for the loan being "Stéphane's ass," but I am urging everybody to calm down and take the high road here.

Yes We Can.

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(Hey, maybe they can dig up some of that sponsorship loot - Ed.)

The Trap Has Been Set

This just in. The New Puffin Party of Canada has decided to stake it all on a tax break for the rich. They've hired Rick Mercer to shill for them with a new bunch of campaign ads that are almost as bizarre as Paulie's "We're not making this up" series in 2006.
Looks like we're going to the polls, in an April election that nobody wants. With bells on. In Canada. We're not making this up.

Oh well. As long as we can keep Norma Bob Rae out of the House of Commons. I don't think I could stand the boredom of Question Period with that unsufferable marble-mouth.

YES WE CAN.
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Ooops, sorry. No we can't. Ah darn.

Soldiers With Shovels

C'mon Puffin propagandists, where are you when we need you? Might I suggest:

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"Stephen Harper actually announced he wants to increase military presence in our cities. Canadian cities. Soldiers with shovels. In our cities. In Canada. We did not make this up."

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Your Weekly Obamagaffe

Quote of the Week: "Is the Democratic presidential process a Karl Rove plot?" - Mark Steyn

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Barry Obama's senior foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, apparently a Harvard "soulmate" of Count Ignatula, resigned yesterday after an interview in The Scotsman in which she described Hillary Clinton as a "monster... You just look at her and think, ‘Ergh.’”

Here's her entire commentary:

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“We f•••ed up in Ohio. In Ohio, they are obsessed and Hillary is going to town on it, because she knows Ohio’s the only place they can win.

“She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything."

“Interestingly, the people in her innermost circle seem to not mind her; I think they really love her.”…

“You just look at her and think: ergh. But if you are poor and she is telling you some story about how Obama is going to take your job away, maybe it will be more effective. The amount of deceit she has put forward is really unattractive.”

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This just a week after Obama's economic adviser told a Canadian official in Chicago that the candidate's comments on renegotiating NAFTA were only for show. And WE'RE being blamed??? Come on Puffins, let's get real here. What a load of phony baloney.

Poor Stephanie also made comments a few months ago that discredited any Iraq exit plan because of the likelihood of having to change that plan. Smooth move, Stephie.

It's kind of sad. That's what happens when you tell the truth to reporters during an election campaign.

In other news, I see Obamaguy has just raised over $$35 million from a gang of New York financiers led by George Soros.

This just in - rumour has it Al Gore wants to be Barry's VP. Somewhere, on an iceflow in Hudson Bay, a polar bear is smiling.

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OK children, repeat after me, YES WE CAN.

Watch Your Neck, Stéphane...

We didn't even have to photoshop this one, sent in by a loyal reader. It seems that Count Ignatula can barely restrain himself. Maybe some midnight on a moonless night....

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Pix: Tom Hanson, CanadianPress

Puffins Yearn for the Good Old Days

All this Cadman stuff is making HM's Loyal Opposers nostalgic. Remember those days when life was golden and Puffins could fly free, soaring through the heavens confident in their ability to, whatever. Well it's all the fault of those evil Kneedippers and Blocheads, who conspired with the brutal uncaring unfeeling dishonest and vindictive Yours Truly to tear down the government of one of the finest pirates ever to sail the seven seas of convenience. Yes, Paulie made us so happy. (see below)According to Torostar, the Naturist Governing Party is about to introduce a motion that the House of Commons "condemn the irresponsible and self-serving actions on Nov. 25, 2005, by the New Democratic Party and the Bloc Quebecois which led to the installation of a government that is hostile to the rights and needs of vulnerable Canadians."

Puffins Lay Another Egg

This time they may have gone too far. It's fine to utter such blather in the House, but not very wise out in the real world.

Is this the same gang of idiots who brought us "Guns in the Streets?"

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This just in: It appears it's a NEW gang of idiots attached to BC political wunderkind Mark Parisol, architect of the amazing leadership victory of Backpack Boy.

Keep on Puffin!

PS: The The Libel Notice...

Suffice it to say, none of the allegations has been proven in court.

R.I.P. Chuck Cadman

What's all the fuss? Correct me if I am wrong, but the "insurance" he was talking about may have been his decision to support the Liberals so he could die in office. This would probably make his widow Dona's pension worth at least a million dollars over her lifetime. I didn't particularly like what he did, but I think we can all understand why. So let's move on.

Rick Mercer Defects to Puffins

After months of dithering, it appears that so-called comedian Rick Mercer has imbibed the Kool-Aid and gone over to the New Liberals. A new Canadian Obamessiah? We're not holding our breath.

Some of our more enthusiastic BC operatives wanted to rough up Rick, maybe taser him in the gonads, but I nixed that. (What about waterboarding? - Ed.)

Also I want to categorically deny that any of them had any success in inducing Mercer to accept an insurance policy in exchange for not jumping aboard the Backpack Boy Bandwagon.

All I can say is, our loss is their gain. Sniff. I thought we were friends.

Puffins - Can You Top This?

Our Liberal inside operatives are reporting a major shift in Puffin Party morale downwards, as the natural governing party desperately searches for a new leader to take them back to the Promised Land. Backpack Boy is ignored. Count Ignatula and Norma Bob Rae are seen to be yesterday's men.

What to do? Some are suggesting the Puffins take a leaf from their Democratic Party cousins in the south and find a quasi-religious figure to take up the crusade. Somebody to multiply the loaves and fishes, turn water into wine, bring back that old Torstar religion.

I say follow the polls and pick Templar descendant Justin True-Doh.

Yes we can!

More Budget Goodies

If it were only as easy as this:

Top Ten Reasons Why Stéphane Dion Can't be Prime Minister

1. Was caught trying to inject human growth hormone into his campaign.
2. Just can't compete with Paul Szabo in the looks department.
3. He'd rather work on unveiling a new line of Clarity Eyeglasses.
4. That bastard Nik Nanos has it in for him.
5. Even John Turner told him, "it's over."
6. Wanted to forge an alliance with the Canadian Alliance, but found out they were no longer a party.
7. Had to cancel tomorrow's appearance at Question Period so he didn't miss "House".
8. Blew half the Liberal war chest playing internet poker.
9. Recently told a Toronto campaign worker, "Keep that ugly baby away from me."
10. The Party nixed his scheme to bring in a carbon tax and give everybody a free hybrid in exchange. Now when he tells Kyoto to "sit'', the dog lies down.

Pathetic Treatment of Witnesses

A new low today at the so-called Ethics Committee. It must be frustrating to be a sanctimonious socialist in this country. I have never seen such stupidity and lack of respect as I saw today in the NDP's handling of Elmer Mackay. What a bunch of losers.

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Pix: Jake Wright, The Hill Times

Obamagal Talks About Her Obamaguy's Healing Powers

Well, we're bringing out a budget tomorrow to try and wake up our national reporters who are totally fixated on the Obamanable Snowman. If you're still drinking the Kool-Aid, here's an antidote. A dear reader sent in this link to Michelle Obama clips, from Hugh Hewitt's radio show:

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Warning: This is really scary stuff!!

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Drinking the Obama Kool Aid

Yikes, this Obamaguy is unstoppable! What a political phenomenon! What a deep voice emerging from such a weenie frame! Here's he is emerging from the surf, like the Tiger Woods of Politics, striding out of a sand trap.

We're watching things VERY closely, to see if the Puffins have any little Obamas in the woodwork, I mean besides Count Ignatula and Justin TrueDoh. Maybe young Alexandre has a shot, once he finds himself.

I must say I'm inspired. Man, the guy is a tremendous orator, and Sandra wants me to start speaking in slow sonorous cadences, and to talk more about Change and Hope, in the Canadian context of course.

Of course, it's not politics at all, it's a modern day religious cult.

In other news, I see Backpack Boy's wife got him to buy some new pre-election spectacles. Cool.

Everybody Wants to Be Obama!

Including Count Ignatula, who's wearing his heart on his sleeve over the Great Obamaguy. "Let's hope a revival of liberal hope south of the border gives liberals a boost here in Canada."

I know the Count and his sidekick Bobbie Rae are really lusting to take over, but I don't think this would be good for Canadian unity. I'm kind of hoping for someone younger, ideally Justin TrueDoh or even Belinda Stronach.

Book Promotion at the Ethics Committee

I don't know about you, but I found last week at the so-called Ethics Committee a real yawner. They finally persuaded retired journalista Steffie Camero to fly to Ottawa and testify, (Did they offer her immunity? - Ed.) but all she did was promote her new book (right) about working deep cover for the Petit Gars, Marko Lalond, Karlheinz57 and their goons. I can't wait till it hits the newsstands. Maybe we'll see it serialized in the Torostar.

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Pix: Thanks to Pierre Auguste, Canadian Union of Public Satirists (Motto: "Your Tax Dollars at Work")

The Real Slamming Stéphane

Our Conservative Puffin Operations Wing (C-POW) pointed this out the other day. Even the House Veejay of the Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network realizes that Backpack Boy is veering out of control:At least George is a good guy, unlike other night show freaks that the taxpayer-subsidized CPAN has foisted on us. Remember that pathetic puffer Ralph Ben Meringue?

Shakespeare Weighs in on Afghanistan

Henry VI, Part 1, Act 1, Scene 1

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Messenger: Among the soldiers, this is muttered---
That here you maintain several factions,
And whilst a field should be despatched and fought,
You are disputing of your generals:
One would have lingering wars, with little cost:
Another would fly swift, but wantest wings:
A third man thinks, without expense at all,
By guileful fair words peace may be obtained.

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Sounds pretty much like the Loyal Opposition.

(Source: Black Rod)

Mercer Catches Mike Duffy in Flagrante Delecto, Whatever

Rick Mercer was on the Hill again, trying to find a party he can trust with his vote. I'm afraid we all were found wanting. However one of the more interesting things you can discover in this video is Mike Duffy trying to leak questions to Belinda Stronach.As for me, I like a good practical joke, and Rick is above all a good sport.

Harpernomics™ For Socialists #3 - Energy Power Realities

OK, class, maybe you're wondering why I'm putting up this great picture of me with Bonhomme Carnival and Harry the Horse, mascots of the Québec Carnival and the Calgary Stampede. Because it makes me look like a regular guy?

Wrong, I AM a regular guy. Because it's symbolic. What does that mean?

Wrong. It does not mean I'm a clownish mascot. Nice try. What it means is that politics is all about symbol manipulation, class. Now what am I trying to symbolize?

That I'm caught between Mario Dumont and Jean Charest. Very funny, but wrong.

It means that there is a new political and economic power reality in this country, and it is the alliance between two of the world's biggest energy producing jurisdictions, Québec and Alberta.

Any questions, class?

You from Ontario? You don't get it? Think Ontario Hydro.

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Pix: Jacques Boissinot, CP/PC

The Gospel According to Torostar

It's clear my makeover worked!

Puffin propagandist Susan Delacarte and her high school yearbook team at Number One Front Street are now featuring me as "known to be scripted, aloof and unknowable".

So instead of hating me, the Puffin prognosticators are busy setting me up as kind of a ghostly cardboard cult leader that nobody can figure out. Howard Hughes, anybody? Citizen Kane? Dumbledore? Valdemort?

Anyway, nice try, Starbots, and Keep on Puffin!

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Pix:Raffi Anderian, Torstar

Who Wants An Election?

Yawn. This whole town is wiped. The Sens are on a losing skid, and seem leaderless. My Leafs are a running gag, although now that Darcy Tucker (right) is back, maybe they will regain some of their attitude. Then again, probably not.

Must be the mid-winter blahs and all the snow. Maybe it was the Spector/Rock snoozer held at the so-called Ethics Committee gong show. I note with only mild amusement that none of the press corpse dared to feed any interesting questions to the committee members, and when they learned from the old cook at 24 Sussex that Steffie Camaro actually LIED in her book On The Fake (maybe fantasize is a better word - Ed) it was not thought worthy of a news story. No wonder they didn't want Steffie to testify.

The blahs are getting to the pinkest of the journalists - the vampires - who have been infected by Count Ignatula and are all plotting together to feast on my blood, except for one small problem - I'm not bleeding.

Well, dear Diary, it's almost Spring, and in the Spring a young man's fancy turns to maybe calling a Spring election. It appears I have checkmated the Office of the Leader of the Opposition, who must now get real on Afghanistan or face ruin.

Let's see who blinks first.

But then again, would I rather face Backpack Boy for another couple of years, or the Count, or his self-righteous faux-Lefty sidekick Norma Bob Rae? Or even worse, somebody credible like John Manley*, or, perish the thought, Frank McKenna?

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*John, truly, the offer is still open if you want to change sides.

The Martyrdom of Krista Erikson

This just in: Master blogger Black Rod has discovered that the martyrdom of Krista Erickson has led to an outpouring of Facebook sentiment, particularly by sweet young House Liberals. On Jason Cherniak's Support Krista Erickson pages, we find her friends include:
* Nancy Baroni, parliamentary assistant to Liberal MP Maria Minna
* Ryan Cotter, parliamentary assistant to Liberal MP Carolyn Bennett
* Richard Zussman, special assistant to Liberal MP Maurizio Bevilacqua
* Stephen Dame, legislative assistant to Liberal MP Alan Tonks
* Bryn Hendricks, assistant to Liberal MP Hedy Fry
* Al Payne, assistant to Liberal MP Sukh Dhaliwal, who sits on the so-called Ethics Committee.

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Black Rod suggests the other Puffin MP who asked questions for her might be Nova Scotia turncoat Scottie Breeze-on. (Isn't ex CBC radio journo Susan Murray his communications director? - Ed.)

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Update: Black Rod also notes that sweet young Krista, an ex script girl from Winnipeg, is a buddy of Pissed Estate producer Morris Karp-Face.

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PIX: Canadian Peoples Agitprop Network.

Keep on Puffin.

Liberal Playbook "Vindictive, Dishonest and Incompetent"

You know, dealing with this Puffin opposition, and their media friends at Torostar and the Canadian Peoples' Agitprop Network, is a bit like being in a bad high school play. Obviously they've been up all night trying to memorize the script, and they can't even get their lines right. Backpack Boy is the worst, but the Greek chorus is pretty bad too. Then there is script girl Krista just off stage feeding lines to pretty boy Pablito. It's enough to make one gag.

Aaron Wherry of Macleans discovered that they are even mixing up each others parts:

Karen Redman: "Mr. Speaker, Canadians are increasingly seeing this government for what it is: vindictive, dishonest and incompetent."

Raymond Simard: "Mr. Speaker, this vindictive, dishonest, incompetent government will stop at nothing to silence the voices of dissent."

Navdeep Bains: "Mr. Speaker, when this vindictive, dishonest, incompetent government signed the softwood lumber agreement, we told them that it was flawed."

Tina Keeper: "This vindictive, dishonest and incompetent government is still skeptical about the science."

Mark Eyking: "Why is this vindictive, dishonest, incompetent government determined to destroy our tourism industry instead of expanding it?"